A juicy/good side of me :-)
I've been having some pains in my life and I've shared freely about some of them. One that has brought me to an ugly place often is my natural desire to give love and affection to people until I'm empty and not get it back. I'm usually pretty guarded in relationships until I feel like the people I'm dealing with have my back, are loyal to me, and can reciprocate at least half of the time AND if they do something to change that idea I have about them, I become very hurt and pull back and may even cut them off emotionally without them knowing. SO...now that that's out of the way...to the juicy side. LOL!
I have a real appreciation for the intensity of my love for others. I've noticed that it's something most folks don't have or don't show. This has allowed me to genuinely cherish that part of me. I know that I want to give love and give affection and support to people in my life. I like giving words of encouragement and support. I love hearing someone smile over the phone or seeing it in person and making people feel good about themselves. I love it when I can be there for someone I care about. It feeds me and makes me smile on the inside. I love being a cheerleader for people...especially those whom I love. In the past, I've loved beyond my past limitations and it felt amazing when I felt like it was reciprocated. I think that's a part of what makes me me...I love people with sugary persistence and consideration. I so enjoy seeing happiness and peace in and on people I love. It rocks! It truly warms me. Also, I am well-versed at this act of putting others before myself and I think that's an admirable trait to have. I'm trying to do better at putting myself first, AND it's not something I find easy to do...it's actually quite challenging and unnatural to me. But, hey, I'm a work in progress :-)
AND...
when that kind of love, care, consideration, concern, straight up goodness is returned, I fall deeply in love with those people in my life. Dudes become loves, friends become sisters or brothers, acquaintances become friends, etc. I want to keep giving because I am addicted to the feeling of loving and being loved...especially by my man. (WARNING: Very specific mushy, dreamy, sugary, lovey stuff to follow) It makes me want to lie down in his hugs and smother him in chocolate kisses that heal pains of a thousand years and bandage his heart with comfort and protection. I want love him like this kinda love…I want to grab his hand in public and allow myself to tap back into that part of me that is outwardly lovey dovey, caking unapologetically, kisses in front of friends and foes alike, note passing, secret looks and touches that let him know he can come home (code word...lol) whenever he's ready, I'll gladly cook you breakfast, lunch, and dinner while I'm on a liquid fast, run up, smile, and embrace you whenever you walk through the door, laugh at your corny jokes, choreograph a dance in honor of the man you are and the husband you will be in our union, sing every love song I hear with you in mind, plan for us to journey on together in pursuit of fighting the oppression of Afrikan people and follow-thru in our battle side by side, heart fluttering whenever I think about walking through this life with you and our seeds, writing books about my life and having you be the King in the story, helping our community and giving my all to the cause while battling fatigue and pain and always finding a space in my arms, in my heart, in my soul, in my space, in my life for you, truly seeing you and accepting you…flaws and all…and knowing that you do the same for me, us both being so comfortable in and committed to our union that apart is not an option, being emotionally naked in front of each other and knowing it's safe so our deepest and darkest fears can be spoken and released into nothingness because the only space we have between us is that of warriors who walk steadily and together to make our worries no more, picking my battles and knowing that the war to fight isn't between he and I but outside of the space we call us, whining it up with you all night at the club and not needing to be anywhere else but in your grasp because that's where you want me anyway, I'm gonna have to tell my homegirls to count me out because you and I are the only parts of this equation this weekend, be so mad at you that I could straight slap a fool and melting in the first moment you grab me up with gentle eyes that say, "Babe, let's not fight...you know I love you," and arms that say, "Put your tension away and relax with me," and lips that say, "Just because we don't see eye-to-eye about this doesn't mean that we are broken...just breathe and rest your mind...I'm here...and we'll get through this," and us both wanting to do nothing more at that moment except for exercise our very healthy desire for each other and focus on choosing peace and love, keeping my shoes on cause you like it, picking out outfits and scents and *clears my throat* just because I know you'll like how it looks, feels, and smells and I love the way you send a charge through me when you look at me with pleasure and hunger in your eyes...and pleasing is what we aim to do for each other, imagining sending the children to you for discipline and piggy-back rides, hugging our babies while you look on with pride...proud of your children, your wife, your family, your journey, your manhood, your husbandhood, us holding hands through the rough moments in life and wiping each others tears when they fall, being ride or die because that's just how we roll for each other, picking up your clothes off the floor and being so annoyed, but being pleasantly surprised when I close the washer door and you've closed the laundry room door and we're back to peace, speaking Twi in the bedroom so our spirits, words, souls, bodies are connected in our true tongue...so, yeah...when I feel loved and I am loving (with my man) it makes me want to be this person again...without reservation or fear because I know he got me and I got him...partners in crime...together...
I love that part of me and I’m just chomping at the bit to be able to give and have that kinda love between me and my man. I think it's lovely and can serve multiple purposes and one being that it will allow the love from generations of loving Afrikan women like me to be shared for the purposes of healing, feeling, protecting, building, nurturing, and making a loving Afrikan family and community...Not everybody loves that part of me or appreciates it, but I think it’s kinda cool and definitely super dope! lol ;-)
So, yeah...this is just something that has been on my mind for the past couple of weeks...loving all sides...good, bad, and very ugly because that's what makes us who we are...gonna keep living and learning and hoping to journey through this in good company...
Kisses, hugs, kugs…
Breathe - Brothas
So, I'm sitting here with an insane case of insomnia. I'm not really able to find a peaceful space to be in, at least, not peaceful enough for me to fall asleep. I've had some very interesting moments in the past couple of months...as usual. lol. I said before that because so many things were going on in my life, I would address the different situations one at a time...well, the time for brothas has come...dun, dun, Duuunnnnnnnn! (Scream!) LOL! I'm also fairly certain that I will be sharing more than I should...being honest to a fault is usually my way AND I would much rather be honest about my life, my journey, my experiences, and my lessons than insincere, ashamed, or only partially open about how I came to be who I am today...it's my story and think there is no need for censoring one's story...it's yours and it's lovely...good, bad, and very ugly. lol.
I think what made me want to write about this part was the very disturbing experience I had with my father the other day. He and I had a very heated conversation that ended in a really bad place. A number of his poor choices came up, how they keep happening, how they effect our family, and his inability to hold himself accountable...I would go into details, but for fear of my fingers falling off from typing out his extraordinarily long list of faux pas, I'll spare my fingers and anyone who reads this the details...
So, the conversation with him and conversations with my homegirls about my conversation with him made me think of some pretty disturbing ish. My homegirl said something that crossed my mind after my father and I's conversation...she said how sad it was that he laid such an ugly foundation for me and such an ugly blueprint from which I was to pattern my partners after...I've patterned my boyfriends after...hopefully not my husband though.
I am officially nervous about this...I didn't think I was patterning my partners after my father, and now that I take a good look at them...I was. I have never had a serious, healthy, intimate relationship with a man. They have all been emotionally and physically abusive, dismissive, self-centered, and completely incapable of holding themselves accountable. Each and every one of them...this is something that I'm a little embarrassed about. Knowing all that I know and seeing al that I've seen...I still have not picked good men. There were times in my life when I would allow horrifying things to happen to me and not speak on it...in the moment, I would even think that them doing those horrible things meant they REALLY loved me. They wouldn't do those things if they didn't, right? What did they say in that movie? "I don't believe my man loves me unless he hits me once a week..." I wish that was the extent of the awful things I went through...looking back, I'm so afraid of who that girl was...I'm so afraid of becoming that person again...I'm so afraid of loving someone so much that I don't have any room to love myself...it petrifies me...
I have attracted men who may seem to be polar opposites of my father in the beginning, but in the end, they always turn out to be like him. The flip side of that is that I have taken to being dismissive to men who say kind things to me...I have difficulty believing that men can say nice things to me and mean it. I've become suspicious, extremely cautious, afraid, and untrusting...I've become the total opposite of what I used to be. I feel like I've said this before and I WISH I could have moved beyond this place...I WISH I wasn't in this place anymore.
My homegirl, Shelley, told me to visualize my husband and what kind of man he is and how we are going to be...I told her that I was having some SERIOUS difficulty doing that...more so like I just couldn't because I've never been with a man that behaved like I want my husband to nor have I seen a man behave like I would want my husband to behave. I've seen parts of him in different men, but not ONE man has had ALL of that. What's that saying? Need to take a whole lot of pieces of men to make a good one? LOL! I don't really believe that all brothas are that bad...the saying is funny though because I can see how someone could REALLY believe it to be true! lol. Anyway, so yeah, visualizing a good man is considerably hard for me to do these days and I think that's really sad. I go back and read my old blogs and see how much I was REALLY TRYING to stay positive and hopeful about brothas and to not be able to visualize my King is so disheartening for me...I really want to have that hope again...I need it so...
So, I wrote this piece after my last heart/soul/spirit break with the most recent ex. I want to be done with that type of pain. The piece is called "Please don't let me"...Here it goes:
'Please don't let me do it again. Don't let me love like this again...I just want to come out of my skin. I want the memory to end. I want the truth to begin inside these palms that my broken heart, wounded spirit, and red eyes lie in...I want to feel genuinely whole again...I hate the stench of mistakes and foul play...I want lemon scented new to wash over my heart and make it hard again...I want to disappear again...cut off my hands for reaching for him...burn my skin with hate for ever allowing it to touch his skin...remove my brain for thinking of him...Where is the one for me? Where is my king? When will I meet the man worthy of me? Please don't let me do it again. Don't let me love like that again....I just want to come out of my skin. I want the memory to end. I want the truth to begin inside these palms that my broken heart, wounded spirit, and red eyes lie in...I want to feel genuinely whole again...I apologize to the one meant for me because these tired feet and battered peace are no longer trusting...for trust leads to "sorry"'s without reconciliation, "I love you"'s that I can't rest my body in, lies, lies, lies that destroy and forced pro-creation...I don't want to hate, and what other choice can I make? To make this all make sense...make him past tense and no longer a part of my present...I commit to goodbye with new levels of despise...I wish I felt loved enough to forgive, and he won't allow that wish to live...it dies and falls to the ground like empty words spoken to disguise the contempt in a selfish mans eyes...I......am......begging......you...Please don't let me do it again. Don't let me love like that again...I just want to come out of my skin. I want the memory to end. I want the truth to begin inside these palms that my broken heart, my wounded spirit, and my red eyes lie in...I want to feel genuinely whole again...'
I don't want to feel this anymore or ever again. I want to trust again...I want a man who will treasure me...I want a king who will always put me and our family first...I want a man who will rush peace into me by just touching my shoulders...I want to dive into his chocolate arms with my eyes closed and know I'll be caught...I want to be his perfect reality...I want his intentions to be honorable...I want to be able to pour cocoa kisses onto his forehead while he sweeps me up in his comfort...I want to blow sugary goodness into his ear while he massages away my worries...I want to carry his seeds in my womb, on my back, in my dreams, in my reality...I want to build an Afrikan tribe with him...I want to two-step in our family room with him...I want to be his eternity and fill it with honey and kugs...I want to speak to him in our own secret language...I want to wipe away his pains and replace it with delicate pleasure that rebuilds and nurtures...I want to give him me without limits and without reservation...I want to trace my name in his back while he traces his name on my legs...I want to listen to him...I want to hear his voice at my neck...I want to hear his voice in the morning...I want my King...and I want to treat him as such because he treats me like his Queen...I want to get to that place and never go back...I want to REALLY be ready to fly towards the cosmos with my magnificent man and have people create Afrikan fairy tales about our love...but the tales will pale in comparison to the love we share...the love we are...
I want to be ready and I acknowledge that there are very real parts of me that are still very bruised and I want to be healed...I want to be ready for him and KNOW that he's coming...
Feel free to share...shoot, I need as much insight as possible! LOL!
Kisses, hugs, kugs...
Ayana
Labels: growth, Healing, hope, love
My Life According to D'angelo a.k.a. Ayana's boo...and you know he never lies to me because he loves me! ;-)
Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 15 people you like and include me. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (band name)"
Pick your Artist:
D'angelo
Describe yourself:
Brown Sugar
How do you feel:
Feel Like Makin' Love
Describe where you currently live:
The Line
If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
Africa
Your favorite form of transportation:
Smooth
Your best friend is:
Playa, Playa
You and your best friends are:
The Root
What's the weather like:
Alright
Favorite time of day:
Greatdayindamornin'/Booty
If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
Me and Those Dreamin' Eyes of Mine
What is life to you:
One Mo' Gin
Your relationship:
Sweet Sticky Thang
Your fear:
Devil's Pie
What is the best advice you have to give:
Send It On
Thought for the Day:
I Found My Smile Again
How I would like to die:
Heaven Must Be Like This
My soul's present condition:
Untitled (How Does It Feel)
Breathe - My Brother
I haven't been able to write for a while...I've really needed to though. It's been so long that now I don't even know where to start. I told my homegirl that today and she suggested that I start at the end and then work my way back. I'm going to try that...and because it's so much, I think I'm gonna have to do it in installments because I don't know if I can take unloading it all at the same time...
So, the past month has been interesting. Lots of things were going on around me and inside of me. So, I think I'll just start on April 20th...
April 20th is the anniversary of the day my brother had brain surgery after his stroke...the year he died. I woke up with a migraine that day. I planned on going to the bookstore to write, to blog, to release some of the things on my heart...I didn't. Other things came up and once I got a moment to myself, I was in too much pain to do anything other than sleep. At that moment, I really needed to write about how much I miss my brother and how I wish he was here and how I wish I could accept his transition. I remember having to explain to someone the fact that when my brother was buried, he had to be buried with part of his skull missing. He died before they could replace his skull, so the last time I saw him.............I can't even talk about it with my fingers....with myself...I can't see the screen through tears and I'm not ready to be that weak and to do it alone. So, I don't talk about it. Folks lose people suddenly, I've lost people suddenly...it's a little different to watch someone die for 6 years and never talk to anyone about it. It's different...
You know, God-forbid something happens to my Mama....your siblings are supposed to be there to hold your hand when you have to walk up the stairs to say goodbye to your parents...I'll be walking up the stairs alone. I don't have anyone to hold my hand. When she goes, if she goes before me...I'll be alone. I feel angry and sad that he's gone and I have to do it alone. I have to go at this by myself and it's just not fair. Folks say I'm strong enough to do it, AND F#&@ that! I don't know if I am and I don't want to and I shouldn't have to. I miss my brother and this life is NOT the same without him. Also, while I was losing him and after I lost him, people treated me really badly...people who were close to me completely disregarded what I was going through and I had no one to talk to and that ish pisses me off too. While I was getting calls every other week about my brother having to go to dialysis or to the hospice, learning about his growing addictions that were ignited because he couldn't stand the pain he was in and me having to go home and see my brother sitting in pools of blood with catheters in his neck, his legs and feet so swollen that they wouldn't fit in his damn shoes, unable to walk at age 37, defeated, abused, laughed at by hospital workers and called step-n-fetchit, called a F#&@ing coon name because of his ailments!, and without his future that was once glowing and bright....during that...people mistreated me horribly. This ish is jacked up and I feel some kind away about it. Yeah, I smile and laugh for everyone else to feel comfortable, but the truth is, I'm dealing with a heavy load and this is only a part of it...I've been doing this ish solo for a while and I don't think it's fair for me to have to. I want to be able to move through this, but I'm not sure where to start...I hope that a path will be made or suggested for me because the sadness and the anger is suffocating...
So, I'm breathing...I breathe deeply to keep from crying and stopping. I'll keep breathing...just breathe...
Labels: brother, Healing, loss
Stepping Back
Many things on my mind and not a lot of time to share. Wow...just lots to share and I kinda don't know where to start. I'll try to keep this short...
I've been attempting to identify this heavy feeling I've had for the past couple of months. I realized how bad it was when I went home to visit my parents and as soon as I saw my mama, I broke down into tears. She just asked me if I was okay, and, of course, I said "Yes." I meant it...kinda. I was okay because I was there with her and I didn't feel that feeling at that moment. The feeling always leaves when I'm with my mama, but when I leave...when I leave, it comes back with a vengeance.
I was told by one of the few people I trust in this world to be honest with me that I need to get new friends. Shocking, I know. LOL. I have a few problems with that suggestion...to say the least. LOL. This is how I see it...I can have a relationship with the people in my life and approach the interactions from a place where I'm being less like myself and that will allow me to protect myself and to not get injured, but there is a flip side to that. I have one worry when considering this as a course of action...I am worried that I will not be able to or not have enough courage to come back to myself when I find friendships and other relationships that not only feel safe, but are truly safe for me. This is a significant concern for me because I adore the person I am when I am true to myself. I like giving and being completely there for people who I consider to be my real friends...unfortunately, life just doesn't allow me to do that and still be protected or for it to be reciprocated. So, that's a decision I've been grappling with.
That issue plays a significant role in the other heavy feeling I've recently come to terms with. That other feeling is loneliness. I've finally identified and acknowledged the fact that I'm lonely. Wow...that was even difficult for me to type! It's true...I am lonely. I've been lonely for a while now. Over a year...yeah, a long time. Loneliness is a peculiar feeling. It covers everything with gray, defeat, and longing. I have even begun to wonder if this is it...if I will always be in this space...alone and lonely. Although there are many people in my life, I still feel lonely. It's a very odd phenomenon. An extremely peculiar condition. An utterly uncomfortable position...to be surrounded by people and to still feel like you're alone. I don't really know how to move forward and away from this place...I think the battle I am having between being my genuine self with people or not and feeling lonely are joined at the hip and my hip is broken and the break is making its way up to my heart and my spirit. It just feels very vicious...it feels unkind and dirty.
So, yeah, just a few things that have been on my mind for a while. I guess it's the darker side of me lately...hopefully, it all will work itself out and all will improve and be made clear for me. I'm taking suggestions and words of wisdom, so, by all means, feel free to share with me!
Looking for light,
Ayana
I stay woke
Wow...I've been really missing myself. I've been so busy being for other folks since I got back to Atlanta and I am so thankful that I got an opportunity to get just a little lovin' from my mama before the top of this year hit...and when I say "hit," I mean hit!
While I was home I got to spend some time with my mama and it was surely needed. I was feeling like I had nobody for a little while and the very clear realization that Atlanta is not a place where I'm safe hit me last year and it hit pretty hard. Going home let me feel loved again and I really needed to feel that...more than I knew at the moment.
My homegirl Makeba and I spoke on Black Family Holiday while I was in Ohio and we had a great conversation. I remembered how much I missed having a homegirl here who was ride or die with and for me. She hit me up while I was going through a lot of betrayals and seeing a lot of people in my life show a very real lack of loyalty to me the last 6 months of 2008...I remember her asking me for some info I told her I'd get for her and me telling her I was so sorry for not getting her the information yet, but I was in the middle of a lot of bad energy and I hadn't been able to find my way out of it for enough time to even send her an email with the info....shameful friend behavior on my part. She replied in a way that really touched me...and I quote, "Its cool...do I need to come down there and whoop somebodys ass?" LMAO! Now some may not see that as moving, but me...I was moved to tears although my lovely sister-friend was unaware. I don't think I have any friends down here or any other place outside of Ohio who would "whoop somebodys ass" over how they've mistreated me...or at least curse a fool or a number of fools out. There were a few people who I thought would, but turns out.............hmmmmmm.........not so much. lol. I need and want that here in Atlanta and I don't have it...I think most folks are more interested in "playing" nice and I'm not really built that way. I don't come from that...I understand that not being appropriate in a real professional setting, but outside of that...I don't roll like that. Anyhoo, with her lovely sentiments, my Makeba has solidified her position on my list of "bat in the bushes friends" and that list is a coveted and well-sought after list for many, honey...I will "F" a "B" up for my folks on that list. The folks on that list are no longer just homegirls for me, they're family and I see us at each others weddings, god-parents to each others children, retiring in some dope compound with our families and talking much ish in our golden days...so, yeah...She reminded me that there are people out there who REALLY have my back...regardless of their own situations and that's something folks like that can expect from me in return. Who knows...I may be wrong, which is a possibility...been wrong before (believe me, I've got a list of wrongs in my back pocket..lol)...I might have some sistas down here who are down for our friendship like that and I just haven't seen them in all of their hard-core, ride or die, "I wish a mutha sucka would" glory...Maybe one day they'll show me otherwise...maybe I overlooked someone or some folks...or maybe I'm right.
Something else shifted for me this year...I started to feel a little of the work I'm here to do. It was interesting and scary. Honestly, I would have continued to block it out had it not been for a friend of mine dealing with a huge loss...her Daddy passed away. I think she and I are connected a little more than I thought or my work is bigger than I thought. As soon as she told me, I felt this intense sadness and pain. My stomach was in knots and I couldn't breathe. I felt soooo bad for her...I felt her pain. As soon as I was asked how she was doing, I completely fell apart and told about how badly I felt that she was in such pain. I wanted to take it all away, but I couldn't...I carried something really heavy on me immediately though. My homegirl who knows about the work I need to do felt it on me immediately. Before she knew what was going down, she told me that I sounded heavy and I needed to protect myself...I told her the deal and she was like (paraphrasing...of course) "Protect yourself!" I have a lot to work on there...and I hope that my homegirl sees light soon...she needs and deserves it. She has so many people pulling for her...I'm positive she'll make her way out on the other side.
It's a lot...I've realized through going through some stuff that there are certain things that I can't do because if I do them, the result will be different than the result would be if someone else would do them...My homegirl Tamika told me that. She sorta clowned me for not realizing that before I participated in some stuff and came out of it all jacked up and watching craziness happen around me...bad look - Me, good look - Tamika. LOL
BOYS...
Honey, I am definitely looking forward to talking about men soon! LOL I mean, really! I have only met, at their best, boys attempting to impersonate men...not a good look. So, I have this list of questions I ask brothas that are interested in me and I keep their answers in this folder on my computer. In that folder I have mini-folders that have past guys and another one that has recent guys (I know! It's a bit anal, but I like to be organized!!! LOL) Well, I asked this guy the questions recently and I looked at ALL the guys in those folders...BUDDY! So many boys, so little time! LOL! And don't even get me started on their answers...let's just say, it's hard out there for a pimp! LMAO!
I bring this up to say, I think there is something to be said about where I am around that issue...*sigh*...So, this guy came to my place for some pumpkin bread that I baked from scratch. I had already been to his (nothing happened people! I swear! You should know I'd tell you if it did...Remember...my mama has told me many times, "Ayana, you're honest to a fault"...that hasn't changed...unfortunately) and I finally allowed him to know where I live...big step for me cause these dudes are crazy...Believe me...So, yeah, he comes in and is there for a little bit and he's like, "Wow, you have a lot...you probably think I don't have anything at my place..." Now, really....what is that? Meanwhile, he's answered the questions and has asked me very little about myself. I have to fight to get a word in edge-wise about who I am and how I am. In the span of 4 months we have been on lots of dates, he's invited me to kick it with him and his boys out and at his place, wants to cook for me, and this dude knows nothing about me! I brought to his attention that he doesn't really know much about me and he replies, "I'm just not nosey like that." Now, young man, please. Buddy....really...please....no, seriously....PLEASE! Anyone who knows anything about me, knows that I am really committed to communicating with those in my life genuinely and knowing them...really knowing them. I always thought that was how adults were...I see now, I only like grown ass men who are like that.
So, this is what I want...I want to walk through this life with someone who is basically on the same page as me. I want to love him up and let him love me down, I want to allow him to turn off the lights..."click"..., I want him to pick work over complacency, I want us to travel together through the cosmos and this earth, I want us to make sure we both feel special even when we are livid with each other, I want us to develop a gritty and raw love, I want us to make rounds with each other, massage feet and domes while we share energy and experiences, hope, dream, and laugh with and at each other, create artistry that connects us beyond the norm, speak our ancestors tongue in our mocha moments, gaze at each other and be thankful for having each other, fight and grow closer to each other from it, prove that we can break this new cycle of dysfunctionality (Ayana-ism...I know) in Black relationships, prove that Black Love is better than anyone even imagined, breathe in our highest and lowest selves and sing our commitment to our love for each other to the heavens and ancestors with every embrace, and eventually....make radiant chocolate babies...eventually...maybe. LOL...is that too much to ask for? If not, where the hell is he? I mean...really! LOL! No really.
So, my homegirl asked me when I was gonna blog so my folks who are further away can know how or where I am and here it is...this is where I am now...at the moment...it's fluid and consistent in that...duality of this Gemineye....I am telling you! As always, I'm sending lots of love and light to my lovely loves...kisses, hugs, kugs, divine folks....*muah*
Ayana
Goddess
So, this term has definitely perplexed many. I love it. It seems to whisper wonder, ethereal, love, and lovely...things I adore. Goddess is what makes special sistas what those sistas are at their finest moments...a woman whose great charm, intelligence, power, grace and/or beauty arouses adoration, praise, and worship. She is lovely and complex. Being ALL OF THAT...there leaves little wonder to me why others who are not of that kind would attempt to dull and harm a sista with those Creator-given gifts. I've found that when I remember that, I find it a lot less difficult to forgive or, at least, understand why some try to injure women with those attributes.
My homegirl and I were politicking one day...we were discussing why I've been receiving such ugly energy from some people in my life. I was racking my brain and searching my soul trying to answer this question: Why would they do that to me?...She talked to her partner and came back to me with this...She said, (paraphrasing...of course)"Ayana, we were looking at all of my friends and thinking about where they are in their lives and we were thinking, 'Wow, Ayana has got a lot going for her...a condo in midtown, degree from Spelman, working on her MA/PhD, a dope dancer, single, and no children! We know a lot of people who would be walking around here acting like their ish don't stink and she isn't. Out of all of the people we know, she's the one who COULD act like that and be within her rights to do so....but she isn't like that!" She shared that with me recently and I'm still processing it, but in processing it I became a lot less upset with the people in my life who were treating me and my relationship with them with very little honor, respect, or loyalty. I became more detached from those people because I felt unsafe...I understand that I am only safe with people who can be happy about my blessings and not wish negativity upon me because of the decisions they've made in their lives that may not be to their liking, or are not genuinely happy about the goodness I've received, or are not okay with me being honest about my experiences with them or others...so, I'm not sure if their assessment was completely accurate, and I can see how their assessment, if true, could lead some people to act funny style, shady grady, foul and wild, bunk like chumps, throw shade, fake me out, be real jive turkeys, be true lakers, be real cowards, just straight plastic...so, yeah, it's getting better because I'm not even receiving all of that static. I'm only down with solid people, and all the others can split, hit the road, exit stage left because you are no longer featured....feel free to gag now! LOL.
So, I'll say this...my exiting statement....get prepared...To my fellow goddesses, revere your inner-goddess and let no man or woman or organization put asunder your flyness. You are light in its most amazing form and your thunder can demolish the shine of those who wish you ill, whether in public or in their hearts. Make love be your mantra...love your family, love your world, love your flaws, love your growth, love your time in physical form, love your loves here, love your loves lost, love your experiences, love your self...love your self enough to protect your self...love because love is the only reason you are here. Spread love thick and thin, along the crevices of your past pain and current learnings. Spread love high on your sky so that when your tears fall from the sun you will be showered in love from the heaven you are. Spread love beyond your reach so that it can touch those who need it most. Spread love in your bed so that your dreams will be cushioned with your essence and your ancestors can have a soft space in which to visit you. Spread love in your voice so that only words of understanding, honesty, and divine truth will color your verbal communications. Spread love in and throughout your life so that it can be more like you...more like love...more like your great charm, intelligence, power, grace and beauty and that will arouse adoration, praise, and worship from the most divine...Spread love layered and tough to keep your magic as lovely as you are...Namaste...
In light, love, magic, and Goddess,
Ayana a.k.a Magic Love Goddess
Be good to yourself and others
So, I have had so many life changes in the past 3 years. I'm going to avoid talking about all of the changes because, quite frankly, I don't have enough time to speak on them all...my carpal tunnel might kick in! lol.
More recently I've come to some very real understandings about the woman I am and what I need to be happy in relationships...relationships with men, relationships with my sista-friends, relationships with my family, relationships with my work, relationships with myself...I'm still gathering what those relationships look like in their entirety, but some things have become very clear.
That process has been very painful for me and it has frequently manifested itself in very I-yana-like manners. For those who don't know what that means, let me clarify...I-yana is the other side of this gemineye...she is more willing to behave in ways that are not centered in being mature, patient, or from a higher-self space. That side of me is always down to "go there" with folks who also want to "go there" and I feel unapologetic for meeting people where they are. The bad part of me being in that space is that when I get to the space in which I want to address why I feel the need to "go there," I'm left to deal with the pain I felt in the relationships that house those not-so-nice interactions. I end up having to confront intense feelings of hurt...I end up coming face-to-face with what has injured me in those relationships and have led me to behave in a manner that is reminiscent of the girl I was before I did any real work on self.
Usually, I can take that part of me and put it on the back-burner, but for the past few months I've been unable to do so and that let me know that I was very much in the mix of feeling some kinda way...I hate being that person because what usually follows is me being even more like my younger self and behaving from a space that lacks filters. The flip side of that is that if I "go there" all the way, people who have been taking my kindness for weakness become aware of the person that lurks within me that just isn't so nice and that may lead them to be more careful with my feelings, how they treat me, and then treat me with more respect than they have been.
I've had conversations with a few people recently that have actually seen me be more I-yana-like, namely, Shelley, Jackie, and my mama and I remembered that girl. I used to only give a brief 3 chance warning and I would just fly off the handle. I'm not proud to say that I was that person within the past 3 years...not a good look. I lack control of myself when that happens, I am totally driven by emotion, and that concerns me...I am not interested in being that person anymore and more importantly, I'm not interested in the feeling the pain that drives me to be that person.
These past 3 years, more specifically, the past 3 months have reminded me that loyalty is an integral element in all of my relationships. I have come to terms with loyalty being a necessity in all of my personal relationships if I am to be able to go all in. Generally, I go all in with my relationships...I do my very best to be my very best in those relationships and when I feel as though someone is being disloyal to me, I am extremely hurt by that. I pride myself on being a loyal friend...for example: A really good friend of mine and I were once really good friends with this one sista. The sista said some really nasty things to both of us separately , so we distanced ourselves from her. I've found it within myself to forgive that sista for the awful things she said to me, but I will not make moves towards patching up that friendship because my homegirl really does not like her...my loyalty is to my friend and I am not interested in betraying our friendship...our sistahood...loyalty. Some folks don't get that and don't support my approach, but when you've been betrayed by so many folks like I have, you become very focused on avoiding betraying those you love and consider to be important parts of your life. I would never want to inflict the pain of betrayal on anyone...I know how excruciating it is to feel as though someone you trusted betrayed you.
So, yeah...loyalty. It's very important to me and seeing how few people in my life have loyalty to me has been very painful for me to realize. It reminds me of how alone I really am down here in Atlanta. So, today I plan on taking time and energy to heal myself...I don't want to participate in passing around hurt and in order for me to avoid that, I need to be very aware of the space I am in...hurt and working on healing. If anyone has ANY suggestions on other ways I can move beyond this feeling and move into a more positive space PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SHARE! *deep breath*
As usual, I'm working on being better and I hope some other folks will join me in my journey...Kisses, hugs, kugs...
Loving light,
Ayana
Labels: growth, loyalty, trust
*sigh*
1st and foremost:
I really enjoyed being at home. I went home to Ohio and I spent a lot of time with my family (blood-related and chosen), my old dance company, and my love. It felt sooooo good. I didn't want to leave that space. Even though there was a certain level of drama, which is to be expected in any situation, I still felt like staying in that environment...it felt genuine and safe. I saw my brother's best friend yesterday and we reminisced about my brother...I almost allowed myself to cry...that part was pretty rough. When I did my solo I had a bit of a breakdown...I miss him being around...I miss him...Home was good though. I really enjoyed the love...Now onto the nitty gritty!
So, before I share my thoughts, I'm gonna pose a few situations and see how other folks see it...
A brotha tells you that you hava a tail-light out on your car. This brotha calls himself your friend. He does not take care of that for you. You share the situation with a few other brothas in your space and they don't take care of it either. What should a sista do with these brothas? I have my own opinions, of course, LOL! I've been taught that brothas, friends and intimate companions alike, are supposed to take care of that. Not only should they bring it to a sista's attention, but they should also take it upon themselves to alleviate the problem. That old-school Black man and gentleman is who I would expect to show up on the scene. If that man didn't show up, I'd get to the business of deleting numbers, closeness, and relationships with the quickness. I'd like to know what other folks think about a situation like that...what is a sista to do about brothas that don't kick in?
A brotha tells a sista, out of the blue without you even mentioning it, that he is not ready to be in a relationship. The sista hasn't said that she was interested in pursuing a relationship with said brotha and he is clearly assuming that this sista is on his tip, like that at least...what is a sista to do about a brotha who is that full of themselves?
I'm really not a fan of talking about the tragedy that is the state of Black folks relationships, AND I just can't even be quiet about what I've been seeing lately. Boy, we have GOT to do better! I'm sooooooooooo disappointed in brothas these days! Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE US, good, bad, and very, very, very ugly, AND some of our brothas, possibly a lot of our brothas, are NOT honoring us...it's sooooo sad. I really wish it were different. I really wish I felt different at this point...I just would love for a brotha to prove me wrong. I'm sooooo hoping one will...possibly two...I'd love for a whole lot to prove me wrong. I've been wrong before, I'm okay with that...I'm open to learning a lesson on this one too. So, yeah, what's a sista to do?
Let me tell you...
So many things going on and so little time to get it all out in the open! I've had a very full past 3 months. So many thangs! Sheesh! Yeah, I'm gonna have to section this one up. How about dancing, family, friends, and brothas...wow. That's a lot.
DANCINGA sista in my dance company asked me last week if I've blogged lately and she seemed interested in reading what I had to share or at least getting an update on where I am emotionally and such...I was surprised and I'm gonna update some folks. I'm taking that as the universe asking me to let it out. Here goes...
So, there has been some sort of virus infecting people in my dance life. People have been filled with ego, back-stabbing, hating, lying, insecurity, thievery, lack of appreciation, pseudo-Afrikan behavior, and pure selfishness! Honey Boom! I'm totally disappointed in some key people in my space and because of their un-sisterly/un-motherly behavior I am unable to see them in a positive light. I no longer trust them and they have done NOTHING to gain my trust back. I mean, it's gotten as bad as someone committing to look out for me like their own daughter, promising to do that to my mama, and then stealing from me and not honoring my artistry or commitment to the excellence of the company. It's bad. I'm not even the only one who has had such negative experiences with these people, so I KNOW it isn't me.
I was sooooo angry about this lack of integrity shown to me that I was at the point where I wanted to inflict physical pain onto a few people. Now, for those who know me and have known me, they knew/know that I have done a significant amount of work on myself in terms of not resorting to physical violence when dealing with fools. I'm good at verbal communication now, but I used to think that was unnecessary. I used to think that if you crossed me in that way, we didn't need to talk...I just needed to fight you. I've worked on that...long and hard. It takes a lot for me to get to that point now. The fact that I was ready to throw out all of that work to just lay hands, feet, drum sticks, and such on these individuals meant that I was severely wronged for an extended period of time and my limit had been reached. So, yeah, it's not good and I've come to terms with the fact that I am not able to look to the company I'm with to provide the sistahood that they claim to have as a present, essential, and functioning element of the group because it's inconsistent and biased. I feel like I've been bamboozled...It's really sad too...I used to think they were like my sisters, but sisters don't behave the way some of them have behaved to me and/or to each other.
The flip side of dancing for me is that NEW YORK ROCKED for me and my lovely loves! My uncle, who has never seen me dance before in my 27 years, came to see me perform and he loved it! I met some fly sistas and brothas who shared some good energy with me...it was nice. I got to live as an artist...I lived, ate, breathed my love (dance) and it was electric! I got some fabulous feedback on my performance and I made it through a rough earthday (May 22)...it was love in New York and I can't wait to plant my roots there again...
FAMILYSo, the anniversary of my brother's passing is on Thursday and I am dreading it. I am nowhere near over it and that's mainly because I have not been dealing with it. Still haven't moved the clothes and I still can't bring myself to go to the grave. 7 people transitioned in 2 years...Too much. I miss my mama and even my dad...
I thought about working on the developing of my relationships with my half-siblings, but that hasn't really worked out too well either. I've been wanting to do that since I was little. I had begun to ask my dad for info on my sisters while in college and I wanted to facilitate us getting to know each other and growing closer. That was blocked and now the doors are open and it seems as though I'm out of facilitating that. I feel like the outcast in that crew...for a few reasons.
1. My father was married to my mama when they were all conceived and he stayed with her even after my half-siblings were born. My parents are still together and I think that dynamic may make some of my half-siblings feel like I'm the one to oust.
2. My half-brother, who I met when I was 13 (I think), has made it very clear that he feels some kinda way about my father not being there for him how he would have liked. He even went so far as to send me a very long email a month after my brother died detailing his feelings. That email pissed me off royally too...it began with him offering his condolences (1 sentence or 2) and then the rest of it detailed how he felt about our father. He used my brother's death as a space for him to talk about himself and my father and I thought that was in bad taste, completely selfish, and inconsiderate. I still have not forgiven him for that...we haven't spoken since.
3. They're all born and raised in NY (my parents lived there before I was born) and they have that in common.
4. There have been sibling interactions and attempts at sibling relationship building that have occurred without me, which is fine. I just feel like the lack of inclusion means that folks don't want me involved. I'm alright with that...I only had my brother growing up and we were 13 years apart so I played solo a lot, but it would've been nice to have siblings...it feels lonely to know that after my mama passes (if she goes before me) I'll be alone...it really saddens me...
FRIENDSSo, I have been on duty, son! I've been really busy lately trying to do things for my sistas and I've neglected myself a lot. I've been working on giving myself more time. I truly enjoy being with myself...I love me. Lots going on around me and I have NO problem with being a sistafriend...I actually love it! My sistafriends are family to me. They're the family I got to choose and I'm super lucky to have them in my life...I am exhausted though. LOL! I'm telling you! I don't know how my homegirls do half of the stuff they do on a daily basis. They are soooo dope! Folks be sleeping on them! LOL!
My homebois have truly disappointed me...they have been shamefully absent when I've been in need of a MAN to do some MAN things for me...like...changing my flat tire. Yeah, I can do that on my own, but I would have loved to have been able to call one of the "MEN" I knew to handle that. I mean, really! My surrogate grandmama passed away, my homegirl let them know, and none of those MF-ers checked on me once! WTF?! So, I've had to come to terms with the fact that my homebois aren't really my homebois...not really. People who care about you check on you...they show up. Those suckas didn't show up and they almost made me show out...I have some homebois who are married and trying to mack sistas...I mean, REALLY?! I think that is sooo dishonorable and, frankly, TRIFLING! I'm soooo disappointed in and disgusted by the brothas in my life...make it hard for me to even look at them...they're bad news bears...not a good look for brothas.
BROTHASSo, yeah, my brothas! I wish I had some goodness to share in this department, but I've had no such luck. All the brothas I've interacted with have been utterly disappointing. They've self-absorbed, high all the damn time, totally consumed with being rappers, without transportation or housing, sporting gold teeth by choice, and wanting all of the perks without doing any of the work. I'm not saying that any of those things are bad, I'm just saying that's not what I want. I want to be given wings to allow me to float with my king...there are no wings in sight. All I see are brick filled timberland boots! It's sooooo hard in the yard for a sista like me! If only I didn't expect our Afrikan men to be the lovely embodiment of determination, manhood, brown and sugary affection and concern for me and their people...if only I would accept brothas who don't hold themselves or each other accountable for how they carry themselves, how they treat Afrikan women, and their families...if only I didn't want to build chocolate love in the sky and bounce from cloud to cloud on the scent of an honorable, genuine, rugged, and raw Afrikan love...if only...then I'd have all sorts of options out there! I can't do that to my heart though...I can't do that to my spirit though...I can't do that to my future seeds though...I can't do that to the community though...I love us too much to not expect and require our inherent greatness...So, yeah, I'm still waiting to be swept up in the strong, cocoa, loving grasp of my unknown love warrior so that we can walk through this life with a revolutionary love that has no bounds and no end...still waiting...
That's about it...I'm gonna get back to work. I've shared and hopefully it touched someone or something and ignited goodness!
In the light,
Ayana
That Hump
"...I sing my sorrows to the morning
I speak them to the night
You best believe I'll keep singing
Until I make my wrongs so right
Devil said, "A penny for your troubles
to take your tired old soul.
So, you know, you got to go and..."
Hurry...to catch the morning,
You've got to hurry on now
In the night I would hear my sorrow...
I didn't know..(won't be long now)
Hurry...
...He stole my sorrows from the morning
He ripped them from the night
And you best believe I'll keep singing
to make my wrongs so right
Devil took a penny of my troubles
He holds my tired old soul
So, I know, I've got to go...
Hurry...to catch the morning,
I've got to hurry on now
In the night I would hear my sorrow...
Now I know...(won't be long now)
Hurry...~~~Alice Russell
Oooooh...I have so many things in me right now. I had a fast-paced, nostalgic, traumatic, fun-filled weekend. I had some encounters this weekend with some new brothas that made me unlock a yearning in me that I really didn't want to shake hands with right now. I remember that yearning and it makes me feel empty and hungry at night. These are the moments that I curse my fathers genes. He's the passionate one...he's the physically affectionate one in my parent's relationship. He likes the public displays of affection...hugs, kisses, dancing...the old school, charming, charismatic gentleman. He has always seemed to like all of that physicality. I think it's in his sign. He's a Taurus...they're passionate folks. I'm on the cusp...Gemini-Taurus...I got it rough. lol.
Well, anyway, some brothas awakened some feelings inside of me that I didn't want to be swayed at the moment and now I have to shake it off, but a part of me doesn't want to shake it off...that part just wants to feed this hunger I feel brewing inside...aching...at my fingertips...quickening my breath. I just want it to be satisfied...I find myself re-running our brief conversations, playing back the lingering looks we shared that day, wondering if I should call the number he gave me even though he has my number too now...ooooh...also knowing that a few of my homegirls got his card and one of them was openly plotting on him although she saw/knew he sparked conversation with me. See! This is what I didn't want to open up...too much. I want more certainty. I want him, whoever he is, to be soooo wrapped up in me and getting to know "that sista," a.k.a. me, that I don't even have an opportunity to have all of these thoughts. An active pursuit. I like those. I have a few brothas on that tip, but not the ones that I want to be on that tip...isn't that always the way? I'm open wide and I just want to be swept off my feet by the man that I envision...It's time for me to re-up...really time. This happens to me a few times a year when I'm single...well, officially single...I want to belong to someone that I want to belong to sometimes...not just anyone...someone that I WANT to belong to...*sigh*
I haven't had a gooooood kiss in a while...
I haven't had a gooooood hug in a while...
I haven't had a gooooood sleepover in a while...
I haven't had a gooooood back rub in a while...
I haven't had a gooooood comfort in a while...
I haven't had a gooooood cuddle in a while...
I haven't had a gooooood enlightenment in a while...
I haven't had a gooooood dream in a while...
I haven't had a gooooood date in a while...
I haven't had a gooooood dance in a while...
I haven't had a gooooood serenade in a while...
I haven't had a gooooood stomach flutter in a while...
I haven't had a gooooood crush in a while...
I haven't had a gooooood man in a while...
It's been a while and I'm working on being ready to receive the energy and physicality that I crave and openly desire...I'm ready...I truly believe that I am and I'll wait for it to come find me. I'm eager, and I'll wait...that's what I'll do...I'll wait in this space of longing and anticipation. I'll continue to picture my footprints disappearing as this shadowy-figured beautiful brown man scoops me into his journey and we glide together...I'm gonna see it and open myself up to the realization of what I want to attract...I'm ready to fly...
In the light...
Ayana
I don't wanna go to work today...
It's overcast and I'm cloudy. There is a very distinct feeling of restlessness invading my daily routine. I have mapped out my daily processes and it's very clear what it is that I am supposed to be doing from day to day...I'm failing at following my own plan. I feel stuck and I ache because of it. I had a groove towards the end of last year...more like a proactive, productive, Ayana-fied swagger....not really sure where that went. I am very sure that I want it back though. I miss having such a clear purpose for everyday...a clear and definite commitment to myself or, at the very least, to the things that make me happy. *sigh* It's an unwelcomed floating that I'm experiencing. It's gnawing at my ankles and I need to wake up tomorrow or even today with a remedy. Troublesome...this energy is off. This is NOT what's up...this is what's down.
I drank lots of water today....red, black, and green star for me!
I had a very difficult and necessary conversation with someone last week. It turned out better than I expected and I'm happy about that. Now, I'm open to receiving some more goodness from some different outlets...I did the right thing, and since I truly believe that karma has a front row seat, I am thinking some juicy goodness is on it's way to me. Hooray!
I wore one of the many necklaces my mama bought me today...she'd be happy to know and/or see that!
I voted today...very mixed feelings about it. From the beginning of my voting experience, I've found myself having to pick between the lesser of two evils. The same reigned true today...*sigh*...The first time I was eligible to vote was in 2000...the first cursed Bush fiasco. It has negatively colored my ideas about democracy, freedom, racism, America...and quite frankly about anyone in any real position of power and/or privilege.
Okay, that's enough. I hope I can shake myself out of this stagnation...I'm soooo over it.
Ayana
The lighter part
"
Thank you, for being you and staying true, I do...
Thank you, for challenging me to be a better me...
Thank you, for not taking no mess, demanding my best, I do...
Thank you, because of you I'm a better who you believed in...
Thank you...
For being there for me in ways I ain't expect you to be...thank you...
For being family before anything more, it means so much...
Oh, I adore you for letting me chase my dreams and for making sure I see things from right here down on earth...
To my people, you're worth so much more than you would ever know...thank you..."~~~ Choklate
So, this year has had many ups and downs so far....IT'S ONLY THE 24TH DAY OF THE YEAR! LOL! I've shared the darker side and now it's time to acknowledge the flip side. This year began with me committing to a better method of organizing. I tied up many loose ends and that has helped me to stay more focused on my many, many, many tasks at hand! Many different opportunities have become available for me and I got some new clarity (always a pleasant experience)...
Dance
I have two big dance performances this year. One will be in New York (about 6 shows) and the other is a 15 year anniversary show with the dance company I'm in. All of that will feed me physically and spiritually...dancing is my breath, my air, my sanity. I'll also be having a few pieces that I choreograph in a few shows this year. That's exciting!
Clarity
I got reminded of my reasons for participating in certain relationships and organizations. Everything that drives me is centered around love. Loving my family, loving black folk, loving myself...my love for all of those people make me do what I do. In those moments that I want to undo my ties to certain people, programs, organizations, and relationships, I just think of why I committed to them in the first place. That love overrides all of the hardships and internal struggles. Stomping through those moments always feels good when my feet are planted and I can look back and see what I fought so hard for is or will be reaping the benefits of my pursuits. *sigh* It is an amazing love...a truly rough, gritty, basic, raw, and undeniable love that I have for my lovely loves. Helps me wake up and continue...keep truckin'.
Life and love
I am sooooo thankful that I still have life to live. I could have been called home by now, AND the Creator has allowed me to be here and to have my good, bad, very ugly, and shiny orange times. I celebrate because my life is the most beautiful life...it's mine and it's continuing. Through all the pain and sadness, I'm still here. I still smile everyday. I still laugh everyday. I still breathe everyday. I still dance everyday. I still remember everyday. I still love everyday. I still communicate everyday. I still struggle everyday. I still work everyday. I still wax poetic everyday. I still learn everyday. I still float everyday. I still imagine everyday. I still fight everyday. I still fantasize everyday. I still yearn everyday. I still cry on the inside everyday. I still miss so many people everyday. I still see everyday. I still develop everyday. I still make mistakes everyday. I still think of him everyday. I still think of them everyday. I still wish everyday. I still want everyday. I still take in everyday. I still create everyday. I still share everyday. I still act silly everyday. I still spin when no one is looking everyday. I still make my own interpretive dances to random songs everyday. I still prepare for my heaven everyday. I still carry a heavy load everyday. I still dissect my experiences everyday. I still pick and choose everyday. I still determine who is worthy of being a part of my love everyday. I still say yes everyday. I still speak everyday. I still get nervous everyday. I still taste my past everyday. I still wait to receive a rockin', ever-so-fly, black folk loving, intellectual, rough around the edges, still got his hood card, make me wanna do thangs, ya dig? -King everyday. I still search everyday. I still touch everyday. I still feel everyday. I still give everyday. I still live everyday. I still get my Ayana on everyday...I'm thank-full that I can do all of that and then some...I'm so very thankful...
So, yeah, the lighter side of this year's beginning is welcomed. I have some level of balance and I trust that the light will continue to present itself to me...it will rush in because I deserve it...it belongs with me. *sigh* I'm gonna prepare for it now...stay on my path and take all the goodness I can carry with me...Kisses, hugs, kugs...
In the light,
Ayana
Make it Through
"
She said that she would prefer a broken neck over a broken heart...
Shed my last tear
Couldn't cry if I wanted to
Took my last breath
Couldn't breathe if you asked me to
Shed my last tear
Couldn't cry if I wanted to
Took my last breath
Couldn't breathe if you asked me to...
I'm trying to make it through
Just trying to make it through..." ~~~ Amir Sulaiman
The professor that told me to write everyday died last week. His death is a huge loss for the world...he was extraordinarily insightful, intelligent, and personable (outside of a classroom setting...I remember he saw me in the hall one day and gave me his iPod to listen to his favorite Tori Amos song. He just wanted to share something that he loved...) I'm sad, it's heavy...
A sistah of mine lost her father and brother on the same day from an act of violence. All of us, her sisterfriends, were with her at the time it happened. I spent only a few hours with her the day after it happened and I saw her floating...seemingly blinded, blinking, and hurting. I hugged her long, hard, and genuine. I so wanted to take the pain from her...she was amazing and human...I'm empathetic, it's heavy...
There's this brotha...he is sooooo nice and sweet to me. He is patient and kind...I like him, but he's not for me. We don't have much in common other than we enjoy each others company. He'd do anything for me and truly treats me like a queen in anyway he can...an upright brotha. I like that he's admittedly flawed AND has good intentions (we have this in common), which is more than I can say for any other brotha I've dealt with...his intentions are good. He seems okay with my strength and he exercises his strength without physically harming me...my ex and my college boyfriend chose to harm me physically in various manners (hitting, choking, etc.) for various reasons (they cheated, I wanted to leave them, they couldn't over-power me in any other way, I didn't answer my phone for two days, etc.) This brotha is more Kingly...It would be nice if he were for me. At least I'd have a man in my life that treats me very well...he's not though...I'm tired, it's heavy...
I went to Virginia for the first time since I buried my brother a year and a half ago. I couldn't bring myself to go to the graveyard. I'm not accepting it, it's heavy...
This is the darker part of my new year. Some of it is sad, some of it is trying, some of it is unnecessary, some of it means little to nothing to me under my orange sky, some of it is just truly unbearable. There has been some light this year and that will be shared soon. I am a true believer in balance, so I'll get on that part as soon as possible. *sigh* This song by Amir Sulaiman helped me get through a really hard time in my life (around September 2005 - January 2006) and it helps now because from time to time I feel like I'm just trying to make it through. He reminds me that although times can be rough, I should remember that, "even the beauty of birth leaves its own scars and know that you will find your home right where you are..." *sigh* I'm committed to staying in the light and spreading juicy goodness to all my lovely loves...Let's blow this pain out the water and usher in comfort and perseverance....love...
Kisses, hugs, kugs...
In the light,
Ayana
Full Moon Thick
Life is so many things in such a short amount of time. Tonight is a full moon. Full moons do things to me...many, many, many things...that could be a good or a bad thing depending on my current relationships...
RANDOM: I just spent a whole day being whatever I could for other people and my tasks are not complete because of it. INTERESTING FACT: I've listened to "Crown Royal" and "Epiphany" on repeat all day. A number of people have been telling me that Jill Scott reminds them of me. I bought her album yesterday and I agree with them...her artistry is my life's soundtrack. It's funny to me that other people had to make the connection before I gathered that fact. Every song on her new album, which reflects her life for the past 2 years, rings true for me at this stage in my life AND has rang true of what my life has been like for the past two years. The same goes for all of her past pieces...It really amazes me...
RANDOM: Monday was interesting for me in the men department. 3 brothas expressed romantic interest in me in one day. That was interesting...lol...to say the least. 2 of the 3 have a child. That's different for me. Never did the man with child thing. Don't know that I want to either. I'm feeling like it's a test from the Creator. I've had so many opportunities to just BE with someone. That someone would not have been worthy of me or even appropriate for me, but could have served as a male body sharing male energy with me, but I knew that was NOT what I wanted and that is STILL NOT what I want. I think the Creator is just trying to see how committed I am to holding out for MY KING. My homegirl said that because I'm so mature, I'll be drawn to to older men, and that means they will more than likely have children and their fair amount of drama...I'm going to hope that's not true. LOL! Here's hoping! I'm feeling tired and spacey again. I was very focused for a while and I was actually starting to feel together or at least on my way to being together, but today is different. Ramadan has been helpful in keeping me from feeling spaced out. I'm feeling overwhelmed today, but just for today...
Full moons are lovely...they make me feel ethereal, closer to the unknown and unseen, and my own polyrhythmic nature. Full moons are so full and robust. They burst at the seams. They make me want to exhaust myself by exerting my vibe and physicality until I am depleted and content. Full moons are
heavy. They are juicy and complete...I dig that. They're like turn-tables that spin to the scent of pelvic praises of the Damballa...swift, slick, steady...they shine and spin my world into darkness that glows...(deep breath)...beautiful, dark, powerful, constant, undeniable...so full. Thick and magic...full moons are my nature. Eye see the moon and the moon seas me...creating a fluidity out of my, at times, rocky existence which is twisted and warm with stretch beyond sight or logic that always comes back to lovely...fill me up, full moon, and I'll be the walking, dancing, spinning, Afrikan, polyrhythmic, robust, heavy, juicy, swift, slick, steady, beautiful, dark, powerful, constant, undeniable embodiment of your magnificence...you have my soul word...
I'm rocking myself into submission these nights...sleep is welcomed and comforting. How I miss the comforts of sheets and strong arms tonight...fill me, cover me, soothe me, full moon...
Intimidation is a b.i.t.c.h. (brotha itching to capture heaven)
A friend of mine sent me a text letting me know that he noticed that I haven't been blogging. He also let me know that he wanted to be notified when I did blog again because he likes to read what I have to say, so this is for him, my peace of mind, and my empty blog space. Many things to do and nowhere near enough time to do them all, so here's to me blowing off my academic work to talk about my personal work! Woo Hoo!
So, yeah...life, man. It's soooo very predictable and surprising all at the same time. Where do I begin? Hmmm...well, how about at intimidation, then maybe to a dab of convo on insincerity, then maybe a helping of some hope vs. belief. I might even throw in some cut-off for dessert.
Intimidation:
This word has been haunting me for a number of years now. I've learned in the past few years that I've intimidated many brothas and sistas. It really blows my mind. This one brotha told me fairly recently that because I'm doing everything that I'm supposed to do, I'm strong, I'm intelligent, and because I am fly, I am intimidating. That sounds crazy to me. I'm fly and because I'm fly, I intimidate. I wonder, if a brotha handles his business, does that make me any less intimidating? Intimidation is an annoying creature. It makes people behave like children, it causes them to be impotent, I mean incompetent, I mean impotent, I mean incompetent. lol. It makes people shy away from people who could actually assist them in being magnificent individuals. They claim that they want heaven and they see GOD in you, but they are too intimidated to claim it and all that it would require of them to lay claims on bliss. It leads people to search for partners who will idolize them as opposed to grow with them. As Joi says, they start "dealing with somebody that's, like, 50 leagues under the sea below where you are." Woo! Honey Boom! What a brotha will go to and through to get that precious ego stroked! LOL! Intimidation is a b.i.t.c.h. Hmmmm....
Insincerity:
So, yeah, I hate liars and cowards. It doesn't matter in what form they come, I hate 'em. What happened to out loud living? Where the hell did that shit go? What happened to humility, modesty, and honesty being intermingled to the point of colorful juicy clarity? Blows my mind.
Hope vs. Belief:
It was recently brought to my attention that I have hope that I will realize something very important to me, but I don't believe that I will realize it. I was unaware of my line of thinking surrounding that topic. I had no idea that I didn't believe it would be for me. Wow. It threw me into analysis paralysis (courtesy of my lovely mama...she coined that term in her 20s). I have been chewing on that issue for days. I'm just about to stick it in my hair, possibly comb it out, possibly cut it out, and then dissect it again with all my many question marks. My homeboi and I spoke about my life and what I want in it and he asked me a number of questions that really made me think. I love that brotha...he rocks. He said some rather flattering things to me and I'm not ashamed to say that I cried in Barnes and Noble after reading what he wrote about the flyness that is Ayana. LOL! It was so moving to hear such wonderful things about myself from someone that I care about and respect so completely. Seriously. Full on tears in the middle of transcribing 2 hours worth of interviews. I mean, projectile crying! I'm sure I looked every bit of the part of psycho, AND it was a pivotal moment for me. So, yeah, I'm going to work on visualizing to improve my hope to belief ratio. I need to address that mess sooner than later. I believe I will. :)
Cut-off:
Yeah, I've been acting a fool. I've allowed many things to happen that shouldn't have within the past few months and I'm done with that. I know why I did though. I wanted something and I tried to make things fit that just didn't. For example: I wanted to build a friendship with a brotha who wanted to be my man. I allowed things to mutate and become blurry, but then I had to come to terms with what I knew when we first met, that he was not strong enough (spiritually, emotionally, physically, etc.) to be with me. So, he became the cut-off unintentionally...he had not enough balls to address the cut-off, so the cut-off took hold. The cut-off is here to stay unless homeboi grows a pair to address it, which is very unlikely. I clearly made space for this foolishness and I take full responsibility for it. I also take full responsibility for all the other foolish things I've participated in for the past couple of months. I gotta get back to slowing down...I've got my foot on the gas in my personal life and I need to be easy...fall back...So, yeah, I've been opening up my space and that was foolish, so now I have to cut-off all foolishness...in a nut-shell!
Dessert is good...so is the main course and appetizer. lol. So, yeah, back to trying to save the world. I'm sure this is incoherent, but hey, such is life.
Kisses, hugs, kugs to all my lovely loves...
Ayana
Flashback
I said that I would come back to my list and expand on the things I mentioned. So, I had a little time to do so and here goes...
1. I spoke to a homeboi of mine a few days ago and he told me that he doesn't know how I stay so happy and positive all the time
So, yeah, dude...I don't either. I kinda look at it like this. I don't really have a choice other than to stay as positive and happy as I can. Most of the time I succeed in public, sometimes I succeed at home, and all of that is good. Me not being positive will get me nowhere fast. I know there are a few people out there who are wishing right now that I wouldn't be so positive, happy, or even just be okay. It's unfortunate for them that I've never been too good at letting other people rule my vibe...my way...my peace. So, I CHOOSE to be happy and positive (as much as I can) because I come from a long line of Afrikan descendant people who fought long and hard for me to have this life and in honor of them, I push on...it's not an option not to win that battle.
That is not to be confused with me being happy about certain situations. I'm definitely not happy about certain situations, AND I will not allow the unhappiness surrounding those situations to paralyze me...
2. I had a dream
I dreamt that these haters of Afrikan people were trying to attack me and all my brown and black folks. It was just me and the children left and I had to get all of our babies to safety in this hidden attic in our compound. I could hear the pigs running towards us...they were singing the songs from the radio (really they were), spouting colorblind ideology rhetoric, and wearing army outfits with media articles taped on their arms...none were people of color. I had to lift each child, one by one, into the safe space in the sky and I just felt like I couldn't move fast enough, my arms were aching, and I needed help, but no one was there to help me save our seeds. As I heard them turning the knob, I had placed the last child into the safe space and I had to jump into the space before they could climb into it...I closed the door just as they reached up to capture us...that's when I woke up. I was crying and sweating...I couldn't go back to sleep...
3. The number 934 has been haunting me
This shit has been going on for almost 2 years...it's kinda weird. It just reminds me of a few awful experiences in my life...four to be exact.
4. I've been disappointed
Yeah, and that ish is starting to seem unavoidable...as much as I try to avoid it.
5. I had to say goodbye to my sister/friend/spiritual guru
I only said goodbye to seeing her almost everyday...she moved to my future home (New York), but I just wanted her to stay close...she's my sister from another mother...she helped me to be safe while standing in the middle of a Lion's cage.
6. I keep forgetting that my brother is physically dead
Yeah...this is actually getting worse and harder to deal with the close I get to the day that he died last year (July 3rd). I don't really know how to shake that, but I'm working on it. I'm really not over this yet...I'm not even really accepting it yet. I don't think I will ever be over it...ever. I WON'T go to his grave. I HAVEN'T deleted his phone number out of my phone. I CAN'T touch his clothes that my mama gave to me...they are still folded just how she folded them for me when she gave them to me AND they are still sitting where she placed them in my place last year. Yeah...still working on this. Definitely open to some suggestions or help surrounding this.
7. I made the same mistake again
Yeah, I didn't learn a lesson and the universe urged me to learn it this time around.
8. I'm escaping
Yeah, I need me. I guess that's the gist. I'm trying to stay away from toxic people and toxic situations...they're BAD (not bad meaning good either) for my health.
9. I've deleted numbers...yet again
Some people are really a trip. Like this...like you only hear from them when they want something. Ewwww! Yuck!!! What kinda bootleg ass shit is that?! They say mean things just cause. Boooo! They only have your back when it's convenient for them. Thumbs WAAAAY down! People say one thing and then do the other and tell YOU to be patient as they work on being a person of their word. ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
On that note, I've also peeped that the only reason people get pissed when I say shit like this is because I'm describing them and they don't want to feel bad about their own behavior or they don't want me to express what I've experienced in my dealings with them...Well, like my mama says, "A hit dog will bark." If it doesn't apply, there really shouldn't be a problem. And if my honesty means I have less insincere, malicious, selfish people in my area then great...more space to give good goodness to my true lovely loves. Over and out.
10. I've avoided assistance
I need to call my priestess...I have work to do and it's affecting my dreams again.
I'LL GET TO THESE LATER...
11. I danced for my mama, my brother, and my pain
12. I've said things that I later regretted
13. I've been sleeping less
14. I've danced long and hard
15. I checked out of relationships
16. I checked back into me
17. I admitted that I'm not ready to go to my brother's grave
18. I hugged my mama and tried to get lost
19. I've smiled and masked a lot
20. I've battled my fatigue by adding more and more to my plate
21. I tried to open up
22. I decided opening up for others is a bad idea
23. I didn't make it to a year
24. I've made some new friends
25. I went to the shooting range and I did a really good job
26. I've hugged more babies and children
27. I've talked to my dad more this year than I have in years
28. I visited my grandma
29. I've gone on dates
30. I met someone who reminded me of someone I used to know
31. I fell in love with good music...again
32. I found out that my mama is a groundhog rambo...lol
33. I behaved irresponsibly
34. I behaved responsibly
35. I sang loudly
36. I was Peaches
37. I learned how to up my Atlanta lingo and dance vocabulary...thanks to the children and Angelina
38. I met and danced with some really fun brothas at the Q
39. I've gotten really good hugs from a friend of mine once a week for a month
40. I got straight A's spring semester in spite of the trauma and demands of the year (3 people I know died - 1 due to violence, 2 car accidents on 285, sickness forcing me into the emergency room, 1 paid GRA position, 1 unpaid GRA position, 4 classes, writing my thesis proposal, performing, choreographing, being friend, being god-mama, being daughter, being cousin, being sister, learning about my spiritual responsibilities, and volunteering). This one REALLY felt good...I hope my brother is proud of me.
This was started as a list for me to refer back to. I wanted to make a list from which I would write better developed thoughts. I'm still going to attempt to do
Tired Little One
1. I spoke to a homeboi of mine a few days ago
2. I had a dream
3. The number 934 has been haunting me
4. I've been disappointed
5. I had to say goodbye to my sister/friend/spiritual guru
6. I keep forgetting that my brother is physically dead
7. I made the same mistake again
8. I'm escaping
9. I've deleted numbers...yet again
10. I've avoided assistance
11. I danced for my mama, my brother, and my pain
12. I've said things that I later regretted
13. I've been sleeping less
14. I've danced long and hard
15. I checked out of relationships
16. I checked back into me
17. I admitted that I'm not ready to go to my brother's grave
18. I hugged my mama and tried to get lost
19. I've smiled and masked a lot
20. I've battled my fatigue by adding more and more to my plate
21. I tried to open up
22. I decided opening up for others is a bad idea
23. I didn't make it to a year
24. I've made some new friends
25. I went to the shooting range and I did a
really good job
26. I've hugged more babies and children
27. I've talked to my dad more this year than I have in years
28. I visited my grandma
29. I've gone on dates
30. I met someone who reminded me of someone I used to know
31. I fell in love with good music...again
32. I found out that my mama is a groundhog rambo...lol
33. I behaved irresponsibly
34. I behaved responsibly
35. I sang loudly
36. I was Peaches
37. I learned how to up my Atlanta lingo and dance vocabulary...thanks to the children and Angelina
38. I met and danced with some really fun brothas at the Q
39. I've gotten really good hugs from a friend of mine once a week for a month
40. I got straight A's spring semester in spite of the trauma and demands of the year (3 people I know died - 1 due to violence, 2 car accidents on 285, sickness forcing me into the emergency room, 1 paid GRA position, 1 unpaid GRA position, 4 classes, writing my thesis proposal, performing, choreographing, being friend, being god-mama, being daughter, being cousin, being sister, learning about my spiritual responsibilities, and volunteering). This one REALLY felt good...I hope my brother is proud of me.
This was started as a list for me to refer back to. I wanted to make a list from which I would write better developed thoughts. I'm still going to attempt to do that, and this felt like something that I should post too. So...I did.
He told me to write...
Do your worst. That challenge is one that is laced with trepidation and anticipation...Okay, it was my decision to take a step towards an unstable bridge that leads to a clearly shaky home, but that testosterone was so inviting...it covered the holes in the foundation, it painted gentleman on top of the boy-like intentions, it laid red and glowing rugs over the stained and rotting manhood that was once potent and visible...once there...that damn testosterone. It twirls me around...
I'm such a lover at my core. I daydream about how lovely things can be with this faceless King and it is absolutely lovely. In those dreams, I want to dance like my parents do when they remember how much they love each other...1 and a 2 and a 1-2...spin and know that if I get lost, I'll have your hand to guide me back to our heartbeat that travels to the rhythm of our relentless tooth and nail battle to embody our breath of perfection, our own living memorial to Afrikan descendant love, our raw, sweaty, unedited worship of our best selves....be each others favorite moments that spill over onto this burning earth making love memories that glitter like newborns twinkling eyes when they first realize what life looks like...it looks like possibility and wonder...Nakupenda...we speak in our ancestors native tongue when we share our admiration with each other. A constant exchange of growth dealt by gentle hands that mold and massage life's lessons into my muscle memory allowing me to unconsciously yon volu through space in unison with him...with you...I'm reaching I know, and I'll continue to do so cause the further I reach the more I feel his skin at my fingertips...grazing my curiosity. He's exhaling into a sacred being...inhaling all of the lovely feelings that I envision and cherish when I see his faceless image...I want to pillage his every inch and plant orange and yellow peace along his tongue so when he speaks he only exudes earth that is fertilized by his power and hope that leaves me no choice but to succumb to our combined greatness...fate this bliss is...I want more and then some to make me weightless and float beside him in a place that will cushion our sore and aching hearts as we turn our bodies into grace and freedom...*sigh*
So, I wrote...I did my part. I'm not sure what I wrote, but I just let my mind wander and this is where I ended up...
Yellow Daisies
So, today is Black Love Day...wow...it's been a long time since one felt like a big deal to me. This year's Black Love Day feels like a big deal. I don't feel any longing, loneliness, fear, disappointment, sadness about Black Love today. Today, I went about my normal schedule...I got up, made myself some breakfast and watched the city awaken, did some work, went to see Cheryl, went to my assistantship, went to classes, and came home...Funny, on the way out of my condo, the security guard stopped me and said, "Ayana, I was just about to call you. This handsome guy stopped by and dropped off these flowers and a card." I was touched and I wasn't blown away. I've learned that a persons good deeds doesn't equate to that person being a good person...people can be deceitful. Anyway, he picked out two of my three favorite flowers...orange and yellow daisies. He listened to me...he heard me when I spoke about me, who I am, what I like, what makes me weird, what makes me different than any other person in the world...my uniqueness...That was nice. Oddly, that wasn't the best part of my day. The best part of my day was doing my work. I loved completing assignments, making new connections, talking about my thesis and dissertation topic, learning more about deficit frameworks that affect the education of Black men...that part of my day made me feel fulfilled.
I've learned a lot about the goodness I deserve within the past few years and I feel like those lessons have been and will continue to be ever-present in my life. I like that...I Black Love that! I've also held myself accountable in making sure that nothing but goodness is allowed around me and my love...I've done a good job. I'm proud of myself...that's not something many people can say about themselves and mean it...I am officially tooting my own horn...toot toot beep beep! (smile)
The beginning of the year started off in an interesting place. It began on an optimistic note and then things got dreary...no, they became confusing. I had a nightmare about getting shot in the head by a man in the army and the next day I found out that my homegirl that I grew up with had been murdered by her husband who was just back from Iraq. The murder happened in Columbus, OH...I couldn't figure out why I dreamt what I did and why I dreamt it before I knew about my friend. Oh yeah, it happened across the street from where my brother lived before he had his stroke. I immediately sought some guidance and support. I got a reading, a lot was revealed to me, and I have work to do...I have an obligation to my people that I kinda knew was there, but I just wasn't SURE it was there. My suspicions have been confirmed and I've accepted it. I'm actually happy about it because it makes me make even more sense. Nobody that I told about it in detail was even surprised! LOL! I was pretty much the only one surprised...So, I got my head washed and began my work...life got better after I did. I slept through the night again...
My journal has been filling up and the truth has been flooding out all around me...it's lovely and refreshing. I've started choreographing again. Right now I'm working on a few pieces to some Nina Simone music. It feels gooooooood! They may even be performed in my company's Mother's Day show...I'm excited. The last Mother's Day show we had, my mama couldn't come because my brother was in the hospital...this year will be different and sadder than that year. That year I did a piece that dealt with women who were seeking healing and the ancestors grabbed ahold of me during the piece...it was heavy...
I came to some realizations about how I feel about the loss of my brother...in two months, the anniversary of his stroke will be here. I miss him...The first words he said after he had his stroke were to me. He had trouble getting it out. It took him a while, but he fought to tell me this..."I...Love...You." He had to rest afterwards because it took so much out of him...that's Black Love to me. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You......................
I'm in love with humanity, my family, my sistas, my dreams, my ancestors, my destiny, my orisha, my peace, my space, my journey, my motivation, myself...that's Black Love for me today. It's looking at us and being totally in love with our goodness. I love our badness because of the lessons learned by it, AND it's the goodness that hugs me when I need comfort.
There have been a few songs that I've been playing on repeat the past couple of weeks and they've begun to fill my head when silence is invading me. Angie Stone, Tiombe Lockhart, Slum Village, J*Davey, Hil St. Soul, Mos Def, Galactic Soul, Roy Ayers, Michael Jackson, Joi...they've been my saving grace for a number of weeks and I'm centered partly because of their gifts...Of course, all of them have been accompanied by my frolicking, spinning, high kicking, and dancing when no one is around...lol....and when lots of people are around...lol...that's how I do and it feels right.
I'm happy and busy...not much time for anything that is bad or evil...only space for the lovely and I'm gonna try to keep it that way...*sigh*
So, yeah, Happy Black Love Day...I hope healing and happiness touch all of my lovely loves today and always...I love my lovely loves and I am so thankful to be on my journey with them right beside me...radiating goodness, wisdom, patience, understanding, respect, accountability, honesty, light, peace, humility, and love...kisses, hugs, kugs...Happy Black Love Day....
Ayana a.k.a. Magic Love Goddess, Dancing Love Angel, Monet, Babygirl, Angel, Orange Blossom, Precious, Love, Queen, Star, Beautiful, Soul Flower...me
The nitty gritty
So, I'm makin' moves...It's interesting to me how doing real work on self is never pretty. In order to make real moves in that area, people really have to get down to the gritty interior of their lives. I wonder if visiting and sifting through that part of one's space is why so many people only participate in surface personal work. Surface isn't for me...if I'm going to do the work, I'm going to DO the work...so, I'm working.
I did my list of destinations for 2007 and I'm excited about them. I made a lot of progress on letting my higher self free to rule this past year, and I did not do enough work on putting baby girl first. Although I loved on myself more than I had in the past, I still didn't love on myself enough. Because of that, I'm resolving to be all about loving me this year. Last year, my focus was placed on making others happy more than making myself happy and I'm just not doing that anymore. I did a good job at pushing through and moving past my hardships in 2006, AND I need to assess, grieve, and move higher now...
I need to learn how to cry again, I need to learn how to feel pain again...I've been on robot mode since I was violated and it only got worse once I lost my brother. I can't do that anymore. It's easier and it's not healthier. It's unhealthy to not allow myself to get angry. It's unhealthy to not allow myself to feel sad. That became clear to me once I told my homegirl the things I've been processing and she said to me, "So, Ayana, how are YOU doing?" and I began projectile crying because I haven't given any energy to how I FEEL about what has happened in my life for over a year. I've been doing damage control and not FEELING...that's not good for self. It may have served to allow me to get through those many things enough to handle my everyday business, however, it did not allow me to release and I need to release. We all do...
Here are a few of my 2007 destinations:
1. Be a healthier womban
2. Be a rocking daughter, friend, sister, goddess, and God-mama
3. Continue to embody and share light, love, kisses, hugs, and kugs
4. Be open to receive light, love, kisses, hugs, and kugs
5. Make more time for myself
6. End my ridiculous procrastinating
7. Prove to myself that I have learned
8. Set and maintain boundaries
9. Continue to love Afrikan people...at all costs
10. Create my altar
11. Grieve and accept the loss of my brother
12. Write a letter to the Creator
13. Learn more about Yoruba and Akan traditions
14. Listen and speak more to the ancestors
15. Pray daily
16. Meditate at least once a week (be still, no noise, just me)
17. Express my appreciation to the Creator, the ancestors, and the universe daily
18. Interview my mama, grandmama, and aunt nani about my family and record my
findings
19. Spend more time with my big sister and with Kaya
20. Be a daughter more often
21. Choreograph at least one piece every three months
22. Nurture my artistry
23. Attend at least 6 dance performances (try more)
24. Attend at least 6 poetry slams
25. Write poetry (at least one poem a month)
26. Start painting
27. Drink a gallon of water a day
28. Master cleanse when the seasons change
29. Get a massage at least once a month
30. Go to the chiropractor once every other month
31. Be more self-loving
32. Continue to be honest, but not to a fault
33. Observe more often
34. Acknowledge my growth more often
35. Surround myself with people who want to/can/do enrich my life
36. Allow myself to feel pain again...there are lessons to learned
37. Only interact with people who are interested in my well-being
38. Write in my personal journal daily
39. Call my Grandmama more often
40. Volunteer at least 6 times
41. Continue my work on understanding and learning how to apply astrology info
42. Go to MJQ at least twice a month
43. Horseback riding
44. Travel (Philadelphia, Vegas, Mexico, New York, Jamaica, Chicago)
The original soul flower is on a mission...a mission that will afford me even more sunshine and smiles...I look forward to this year. I hope that it will be filled with more positivity than last year and I eagerly await all the orange energy out there for me to receive...Bring it on, 2007...I'm ready to shine even brighter...
Kisses, hugs, kugs...
Ayana a.k.a. Magic Love Goddess, Dancing Love Angel, Monet, Babygirl, Angel, Orange Blossom, Precious, Love, Queen, Star, Beautiful, Soul Flower...me
