Wednesday, June 20, 2007


I said that I would come back to my list and expand on the things I mentioned. So, I had a little time to do so and here goes...

1. I spoke to a homeboi of mine a few days ago and he told me that he doesn't know how I stay so happy and positive all the time

So, yeah, dude...I don't either. I kinda look at it like this. I don't really have a choice other than to stay as positive and happy as I can. Most of the time I succeed in public, sometimes I succeed at home, and all of that is good. Me not being positive will get me nowhere fast. I know there are a few people out there who are wishing right now that I wouldn't be so positive, happy, or even just be okay. It's unfortunate for them that I've never been too good at letting other people rule my peace. So, I CHOOSE to be happy and positive (as much as I can) because I come from a long line of Afrikan descendant people who fought long and hard for me to have this life and in honor of them, I push's not an option not to win that battle.

That is not to be confused with me being happy about certain situations. I'm definitely not happy about certain situations, AND I will not allow the unhappiness surrounding those situations to paralyze me...

2. I had a dream

I dreamt that these haters of Afrikan people were trying to attack me and all my brown and black folks. It was just me and the children left and I had to get all of our babies to safety in this hidden attic in our compound. I could hear the pigs running towards us...they were singing the songs from the radio (really they were), spouting colorblind ideology rhetoric, and wearing army outfits with media articles taped on their arms...none were people of color. I had to lift each child, one by one, into the safe space in the sky and I just felt like I couldn't move fast enough, my arms were aching, and I needed help, but no one was there to help me save our seeds. As I heard them turning the knob, I had placed the last child into the safe space and I had to jump into the space before they could climb into it...I closed the door just as they reached up to capture us...that's when I woke up. I was crying and sweating...I couldn't go back to sleep...

3. The number 934 has been haunting me

This shit has been going on for almost 2's kinda weird. It just reminds me of a few awful experiences in my life...four to be exact.

4. I've been disappointed

Yeah, and that ish is starting to seem much as I try to avoid it.

5. I had to say goodbye to my sister/friend/spiritual guru

I only said goodbye to seeing her almost everyday...she moved to my future home (New York), but I just wanted her to stay close...she's my sister from another mother...she helped me to be safe while standing in the middle of a Lion's cage.

6. I keep forgetting that my brother is physically dead

Yeah...this is actually getting worse and harder to deal with the close I get to the day that he died last year (July 3rd). I don't really know how to shake that, but I'm working on it. I'm really not over this yet...I'm not even really accepting it yet. I don't think I will ever be over it...ever. I WON'T go to his grave. I HAVEN'T deleted his phone number out of my phone. I CAN'T touch his clothes that my mama gave to me...they are still folded just how she folded them for me when she gave them to me AND they are still sitting where she placed them in my place last year. Yeah...still working on this. Definitely open to some suggestions or help surrounding this.

7. I made the same mistake again

Yeah, I didn't learn a lesson and the universe urged me to learn it this time around.

8. I'm escaping

Yeah, I need me. I guess that's the gist. I'm trying to stay away from toxic people and toxic situations...they're BAD (not bad meaning good either) for my health.

9. I've deleted numbers...yet again

Some people are really a trip. Like you only hear from them when they want something. Ewwww! Yuck!!! What kinda bootleg ass shit is that?! They say mean things just cause. Boooo! They only have your back when it's convenient for them. Thumbs WAAAAY down! People say one thing and then do the other and tell YOU to be patient as they work on being a person of their word. ARE YOU SERIOUS?!

On that note, I've also peeped that the only reason people get pissed when I say shit like this is because I'm describing them and they don't want to feel bad about their own behavior or they don't want me to express what I've experienced in my dealings with them...Well, like my mama says, "A hit dog will bark." If it doesn't apply, there really shouldn't be a problem. And if my honesty means I have less insincere, malicious, selfish people in my area then great...more space to give good goodness to my true lovely loves. Over and out.

10. I've avoided assistance

I need to call my priestess...I have work to do and it's affecting my dreams again.

11. I danced for my mama, my brother, and my pain
12. I've said things that I later regretted
13. I've been sleeping less
14. I've danced long and hard
15. I checked out of relationships
16. I checked back into me
17. I admitted that I'm not ready to go to my brother's grave
18. I hugged my mama and tried to get lost
19. I've smiled and masked a lot
20. I've battled my fatigue by adding more and more to my plate
21. I tried to open up
22. I decided opening up for others is a bad idea
23. I didn't make it to a year
24. I've made some new friends
25. I went to the shooting range and I did a really good job
26. I've hugged more babies and children
27. I've talked to my dad more this year than I have in years
28. I visited my grandma
29. I've gone on dates
30. I met someone who reminded me of someone I used to know
31. I fell in love with good music...again
32. I found out that my mama is a groundhog
33. I behaved irresponsibly
34. I behaved responsibly
35. I sang loudly
36. I was Peaches
37. I learned how to up my Atlanta lingo and dance vocabulary...thanks to the children and Angelina
38. I met and danced with some really fun brothas at the Q
39. I've gotten really good hugs from a friend of mine once a week for a month
40. I got straight A's spring semester in spite of the trauma and demands of the year (3 people I know died - 1 due to violence, 2 car accidents on 285, sickness forcing me into the emergency room, 1 paid GRA position, 1 unpaid GRA position, 4 classes, writing my thesis proposal, performing, choreographing, being friend, being god-mama, being daughter, being cousin, being sister, learning about my spiritual responsibilities, and volunteering). This one REALLY felt good...I hope my brother is proud of me.

This was started as a list for me to refer back to. I wanted to make a list from which I would write better developed thoughts. I'm still going to attempt to do


Post a Comment

<< Home