Freedom Dance

The lighter part

"Thank you, for being you and staying true, I do...
Thank you, for challenging me to be a better me...
Thank you, for not taking no mess, demanding my best, I do...
Thank you, because of you I'm a better who you believed in...
Thank you...

For being there for me in ways I ain't expect you to be...thank you...
For being family before anything more, it means so much...
Oh, I adore you for letting me chase my dreams and for making sure I see things from right here down on earth...
To my people, you're worth so much more than you would ever know...thank you..."~~~ Choklate


So, this year has had many ups and downs so far....IT'S ONLY THE 24TH DAY OF THE YEAR! LOL! I've shared the darker side and now it's time to acknowledge the flip side. This year began with me committing to a better method of organizing. I tied up many loose ends and that has helped me to stay more focused on my many, many, many tasks at hand! Many different opportunities have become available for me and I got some new clarity (always a pleasant experience)...

Dance
I have two big dance performances this year. One will be in New York (about 6 shows) and the other is a 15 year anniversary show with the dance company I'm in. All of that will feed me physically and spiritually...dancing is my breath, my air, my sanity. I'll also be having a few pieces that I choreograph in a few shows this year. That's exciting!

Clarity
I got reminded of my reasons for participating in certain relationships and organizations. Everything that drives me is centered around love. Loving my family, loving black folk, loving myself...my love for all of those people make me do what I do. In those moments that I want to undo my ties to certain people, programs, organizations, and relationships, I just think of why I committed to them in the first place. That love overrides all of the hardships and internal struggles. Stomping through those moments always feels good when my feet are planted and I can look back and see what I fought so hard for is or will be reaping the benefits of my pursuits. *sigh* It is an amazing love...a truly rough, gritty, basic, raw, and undeniable love that I have for my lovely loves. Helps me wake up and continue...keep truckin'.

Life and love
I am sooooo thankful that I still have life to live. I could have been called home by now, AND the Creator has allowed me to be here and to have my good, bad, very ugly, and shiny orange times. I celebrate because my life is the most beautiful life...it's mine and it's continuing. Through all the pain and sadness, I'm still here. I still smile everyday. I still laugh everyday. I still breathe everyday. I still dance everyday. I still remember everyday. I still love everyday. I still communicate everyday. I still struggle everyday. I still work everyday. I still wax poetic everyday. I still learn everyday. I still float everyday. I still imagine everyday. I still fight everyday. I still fantasize everyday. I still yearn everyday. I still cry on the inside everyday. I still miss so many people everyday. I still see everyday. I still develop everyday. I still make mistakes everyday. I still think of him everyday. I still think of them everyday. I still wish everyday. I still want everyday. I still take in everyday. I still create everyday. I still share everyday. I still act silly everyday. I still spin when no one is looking everyday. I still make my own interpretive dances to random songs everyday. I still prepare for my heaven everyday. I still carry a heavy load everyday. I still dissect my experiences everyday. I still pick and choose everyday. I still determine who is worthy of being a part of my love everyday. I still say yes everyday. I still speak everyday. I still get nervous everyday. I still taste my past everyday. I still wait to receive a rockin', ever-so-fly, black folk loving, intellectual, rough around the edges, still got his hood card, make me wanna do thangs, ya dig? -King everyday. I still search everyday. I still touch everyday. I still feel everyday. I still give everyday. I still live everyday. I still get my Ayana on everyday...I'm thank-full that I can do all of that and then some...I'm so very thankful...

So, yeah, the lighter side of this year's beginning is welcomed. I have some level of balance and I trust that the light will continue to present itself to me...it will rush in because I deserve it...it belongs with me. *sigh* I'm gonna prepare for it now...stay on my path and take all the goodness I can carry with me...Kisses, hugs, kugs...

In the light,
Ayana

posted by The Funky Fly Fresh Goddess @ 1/24/2008 03:03:00 PM 0 comments

Make it Through

"She said that she would prefer a broken neck over a broken heart...
Shed my last tear
Couldn't cry if I wanted to
Took my last breath
Couldn't breathe if you asked me to
Shed my last tear
Couldn't cry if I wanted to
Took my last breath
Couldn't breathe if you asked me to...
I'm trying to make it through
Just trying to make it through..." ~~~ Amir Sulaiman


The professor that told me to write everyday died last week. His death is a huge loss for the world...he was extraordinarily insightful, intelligent, and personable (outside of a classroom setting...I remember he saw me in the hall one day and gave me his iPod to listen to his favorite Tori Amos song. He just wanted to share something that he loved...) I'm sad, it's heavy...

A sistah of mine lost her father and brother on the same day from an act of violence. All of us, her sisterfriends, were with her at the time it happened. I spent only a few hours with her the day after it happened and I saw her floating...seemingly blinded, blinking, and hurting. I hugged her long, hard, and genuine. I so wanted to take the pain from her...she was amazing and human...I'm empathetic, it's heavy...

There's this brotha...he is sooooo nice and sweet to me. He is patient and kind...I like him, but he's not for me. We don't have much in common other than we enjoy each others company. He'd do anything for me and truly treats me like a queen in anyway he can...an upright brotha. I like that he's admittedly flawed AND has good intentions (we have this in common), which is more than I can say for any other brotha I've dealt with...his intentions are good. He seems okay with my strength and he exercises his strength without physically harming me...my ex and my college boyfriend chose to harm me physically in various manners (hitting, choking, etc.) for various reasons (they cheated, I wanted to leave them, they couldn't over-power me in any other way, I didn't answer my phone for two days, etc.) This brotha is more Kingly...It would be nice if he were for me. At least I'd have a man in my life that treats me very well...he's not though...I'm tired, it's heavy...

I went to Virginia for the first time since I buried my brother a year and a half ago. I couldn't bring myself to go to the graveyard. I'm not accepting it, it's heavy...

This is the darker part of my new year. Some of it is sad, some of it is trying, some of it is unnecessary, some of it means little to nothing to me under my orange sky, some of it is just truly unbearable. There has been some light this year and that will be shared soon. I am a true believer in balance, so I'll get on that part as soon as possible. *sigh* This song by Amir Sulaiman helped me get through a really hard time in my life (around September 2005 - January 2006) and it helps now because from time to time I feel like I'm just trying to make it through. He reminds me that although times can be rough, I should remember that, "even the beauty of birth leaves its own scars and know that you will find your home right where you are..." *sigh* I'm committed to staying in the light and spreading juicy goodness to all my lovely loves...Let's blow this pain out the water and usher in comfort and perseverance....love...

Kisses, hugs, kugs...

In the light,
Ayana

posted by The Funky Fly Fresh Goddess @ 1/17/2008 01:11:00 AM 1 comments