Stepping Back
Many things on my mind and not a lot of time to share. Wow...just lots to share and I kinda don't know where to start. I'll try to keep this short...
I've been attempting to identify this heavy feeling I've had for the past couple of months. I realized how bad it was when I went home to visit my parents and as soon as I saw my mama, I broke down into tears. She just asked me if I was okay, and, of course, I said "Yes." I meant it...kinda. I was okay because I was there with her and I didn't feel that feeling at that moment. The feeling always leaves when I'm with my mama, but when I leave...when I leave, it comes back with a vengeance.
I was told by one of the few people I trust in this world to be honest with me that I need to get new friends. Shocking, I know. LOL. I have a few problems with that suggestion...to say the least. LOL. This is how I see it...I can have a relationship with the people in my life and approach the interactions from a place where I'm being less like myself and that will allow me to protect myself and to not get injured, but there is a flip side to that. I have one worry when considering this as a course of action...I am worried that I will not be able to or not have enough courage to come back to myself when I find friendships and other relationships that not only feel safe, but are truly safe for me. This is a significant concern for me because I adore the person I am when I am true to myself. I like giving and being completely there for people who I consider to be my real friends...unfortunately, life just doesn't allow me to do that and still be protected or for it to be reciprocated. So, that's a decision I've been grappling with.
That issue plays a significant role in the other heavy feeling I've recently come to terms with. That other feeling is loneliness. I've finally identified and acknowledged the fact that I'm lonely. Wow...that was even difficult for me to type! It's true...I am lonely. I've been lonely for a while now. Over a year...yeah, a long time. Loneliness is a peculiar feeling. It covers everything with gray, defeat, and longing. I have even begun to wonder if this is it...if I will always be in this space...alone and lonely. Although there are many people in my life, I still feel lonely. It's a very odd phenomenon. An extremely peculiar condition. An utterly uncomfortable position...to be surrounded by people and to still feel like you're alone. I don't really know how to move forward and away from this place...I think the battle I am having between being my genuine self with people or not and feeling lonely are joined at the hip and my hip is broken and the break is making its way up to my heart and my spirit. It just feels very vicious...it feels unkind and dirty.
So, yeah, just a few things that have been on my mind for a while. I guess it's the darker side of me lately...hopefully, it all will work itself out and all will improve and be made clear for me. I'm taking suggestions and words of wisdom, so, by all means, feel free to share with me!
Looking for light,
Ayana
I stay woke
Wow...I've been really missing myself. I've been so busy being for other folks since I got back to Atlanta and I am so thankful that I got an opportunity to get just a little lovin' from my mama before the top of this year hit...and when I say "hit," I mean hit!
While I was home I got to spend some time with my mama and it was surely needed. I was feeling like I had nobody for a little while and the very clear realization that Atlanta is not a place where I'm safe hit me last year and it hit pretty hard. Going home let me feel loved again and I really needed to feel that...more than I knew at the moment.
My homegirl Makeba and I spoke on Black Family Holiday while I was in Ohio and we had a great conversation. I remembered how much I missed having a homegirl here who was ride or die with and for me. She hit me up while I was going through a lot of betrayals and seeing a lot of people in my life show a very real lack of loyalty to me the last 6 months of 2008...I remember her asking me for some info I told her I'd get for her and me telling her I was so sorry for not getting her the information yet, but I was in the middle of a lot of bad energy and I hadn't been able to find my way out of it for enough time to even send her an email with the info....shameful friend behavior on my part. She replied in a way that really touched me...and I quote, "Its cool...do I need to come down there and whoop somebodys ass?" LMAO! Now some may not see that as moving, but me...I was moved to tears although my lovely sister-friend was unaware. I don't think I have any friends down here or any other place outside of Ohio who would "whoop somebodys ass" over how they've mistreated me...or at least curse a fool or a number of fools out. There were a few people who I thought would, but turns out.............hmmmmmm.........not so much. lol. I need and want that here in Atlanta and I don't have it...I think most folks are more interested in "playing" nice and I'm not really built that way. I don't come from that...I understand that not being appropriate in a real professional setting, but outside of that...I don't roll like that. Anyhoo, with her lovely sentiments, my Makeba has solidified her position on my list of "bat in the bushes friends" and that list is a coveted and well-sought after list for many, honey...I will "F" a "B" up for my folks on that list. The folks on that list are no longer just homegirls for me, they're family and I see us at each others weddings, god-parents to each others children, retiring in some dope compound with our families and talking much ish in our golden days...so, yeah...She reminded me that there are people out there who REALLY have my back...regardless of their own situations and that's something folks like that can expect from me in return. Who knows...I may be wrong, which is a possibility...been wrong before (believe me, I've got a list of wrongs in my back pocket..lol)...I might have some sistas down here who are down for our friendship like that and I just haven't seen them in all of their hard-core, ride or die, "I wish a mutha sucka would" glory...Maybe one day they'll show me otherwise...maybe I overlooked someone or some folks...or maybe I'm right.
Something else shifted for me this year...I started to feel a little of the work I'm here to do. It was interesting and scary. Honestly, I would have continued to block it out had it not been for a friend of mine dealing with a huge loss...her Daddy passed away. I think she and I are connected a little more than I thought or my work is bigger than I thought. As soon as she told me, I felt this intense sadness and pain. My stomach was in knots and I couldn't breathe. I felt soooo bad for her...I felt her pain. As soon as I was asked how she was doing, I completely fell apart and told about how badly I felt that she was in such pain. I wanted to take it all away, but I couldn't...I carried something really heavy on me immediately though. My homegirl who knows about the work I need to do felt it on me immediately. Before she knew what was going down, she told me that I sounded heavy and I needed to protect myself...I told her the deal and she was like (paraphrasing...of course) "Protect yourself!" I have a lot to work on there...and I hope that my homegirl sees light soon...she needs and deserves it. She has so many people pulling for her...I'm positive she'll make her way out on the other side.
It's a lot...I've realized through going through some stuff that there are certain things that I can't do because if I do them, the result will be different than the result would be if someone else would do them...My homegirl Tamika told me that. She sorta clowned me for not realizing that before I participated in some stuff and came out of it all jacked up and watching craziness happen around me...bad look - Me, good look - Tamika. LOL
BOYS...
Honey, I am definitely looking forward to talking about men soon! LOL I mean, really! I have only met, at their best, boys attempting to impersonate men...not a good look. So, I have this list of questions I ask brothas that are interested in me and I keep their answers in this folder on my computer. In that folder I have mini-folders that have past guys and another one that has recent guys (I know! It's a bit anal, but I like to be organized!!! LOL) Well, I asked this guy the questions recently and I looked at ALL the guys in those folders...BUDDY! So many boys, so little time! LOL! And don't even get me started on their answers...let's just say, it's hard out there for a pimp! LMAO!
I bring this up to say, I think there is something to be said about where I am around that issue...*sigh*...So, this guy came to my place for some pumpkin bread that I baked from scratch. I had already been to his (nothing happened people! I swear! You should know I'd tell you if it did...Remember...my mama has told me many times, "Ayana, you're honest to a fault"...that hasn't changed...unfortunately) and I finally allowed him to know where I live...big step for me cause these dudes are crazy...Believe me...So, yeah, he comes in and is there for a little bit and he's like, "Wow, you have a lot...you probably think I don't have anything at my place..." Now, really....what is that? Meanwhile, he's answered the questions and has asked me very little about myself. I have to fight to get a word in edge-wise about who I am and how I am. In the span of 4 months we have been on lots of dates, he's invited me to kick it with him and his boys out and at his place, wants to cook for me, and this dude knows nothing about me! I brought to his attention that he doesn't really know much about me and he replies, "I'm just not nosey like that." Now, young man, please. Buddy....really...please....no, seriously....PLEASE! Anyone who knows anything about me, knows that I am really committed to communicating with those in my life genuinely and knowing them...really knowing them. I always thought that was how adults were...I see now, I only like grown ass men who are like that.
So, this is what I want...I want to walk through this life with someone who is basically on the same page as me. I want to love him up and let him love me down, I want to allow him to turn off the lights..."click"..., I want him to pick work over complacency, I want us to travel together through the cosmos and this earth, I want us to make sure we both feel special even when we are livid with each other, I want us to develop a gritty and raw love, I want us to make rounds with each other, massage feet and domes while we share energy and experiences, hope, dream, and laugh with and at each other, create artistry that connects us beyond the norm, speak our ancestors tongue in our mocha moments, gaze at each other and be thankful for having each other, fight and grow closer to each other from it, prove that we can break this new cycle of dysfunctionality (Ayana-ism...I know) in Black relationships, prove that Black Love is better than anyone even imagined, breathe in our highest and lowest selves and sing our commitment to our love for each other to the heavens and ancestors with every embrace, and eventually....make radiant chocolate babies...eventually...maybe. LOL...is that too much to ask for? If not, where the hell is he? I mean...really! LOL! No really.
So, my homegirl asked me when I was gonna blog so my folks who are further away can know how or where I am and here it is...this is where I am now...at the moment...it's fluid and consistent in that...duality of this Gemineye....I am telling you! As always, I'm sending lots of love and light to my lovely loves...kisses, hugs, kugs, divine folks....*muah*
Ayana
