I'm the womban
This brotha asked me what kind of woman I am the other day and I figured I should start the written list now cause otherwise I'll be writing for the rest of my life...here's the beginning...
My pledge to my King:
See me...
i'm the womban who will put her head on your shoulder, not because she's sleepy, but because she wants to be closer to you...
i'm the womban who likes to be kissed in the rain, more than inside my/your bedroom or in an expensive resturant...
i'm the womban who says,"ok, but you owe me..." jokingly not because i actually want something, but because it means i get to spend more time with you...
i'm the womban you can take absolutely anywhere and i will ((or at least try to)) have fun because it means i am spending time with you...
i'm the womban who is incredibly picky, but when i find someone i like i want to spend the whole night curled up in their arms...
i'm the womban who never forgets all the sweet little things you do/did for me, to me, with us in mind...
i'm the womban who actually keeps her body parts in her clothing in public, unless you and I request otherwise...
i'm the womban who never gives up hope even when i tell others i have...
i'm the womban who once i let you into my heart, there's always a place there with your name on it if you honor me so, take care of it & even if we spend time apart, i'm the womban who never forgets you...as longs as you never forget me...
i'm the womban who loves to end a hug with a kiss...
i'm the womban who always want to start a memory with a kiss
i'm the womban who you can talk to you about anything...
i'm the womban who laughs at your jokes and tells you when it wasn't funny, but I'll still give you a smile...
i'm the womban who will have many inside jokes with you and will remember each one...
i'm the womban who will create impromptu interpretive dances just to make you smile...
i'm the womban who will brag about you to all of my friends...and even to yours
i'm the womban who will listen to you talk and tell you when I've stopped...
i'm the womban who loves it when you hug me for no apparent reason...
i'm the womban who loves it when you hug me from behind or kiss me on the forehead..
i'm the womban who loves you for you, and didn't/doesn't care what other people say about us...truly
i'm the womban who loves it when you introduce me to your friends as your woman, your queen, your butta half...
i'm the womban who loves the feeling when you take me by the hand without saying a word and push me to walk beside you...not behind you...as your equal...
i'm the womban who will always ride for you...and no one else...forever...as long as you honor us...
Childhood self-affirmations
THE SCENE: A young flower does the wop, swings her locs, and celebrates her growing queendom...she is approached by the mean girls/boys...uh oh!!!
Ayana:Well, my name is Ayana and I KNOW I'm fly! So take a sip of my potion and I'll start a commotion!
Hater:MMM! She think she bad!
Ayana:CORRECTION, BABY! I KNOW I'M BAD!
Hater:MMM! She think she fly!
Ayana:FLY ENOUGH TO BLOW YOUR MIND!
Hater:MMM! She think she cool!
Ayana:COOL ENOUGH TO STEAL YO' DUDE!
Hater:Well, don't get nasty!
Ayana:WELL, WHO ARE YOU?!
LOL! Y'all ain't ready! Y'all aint ready! LOL!
I support these thoughts on love...
I read these and I totally agree with their thoughts on love. I feel the same and I have been and still am committed to living this daily...Enjoy...
Ayana aka Love"When mystics use the word love, they use it very carefully -- in the
deeply spiritual sense, where to love is to know; to love is to act. If
you really love, from the depths of your Consciousness, that love gives
you a native wisdom. You perceive the needs of others intuitively and
clearly, with detachment from any personal desires; and you know how to
act creatively to meet those needs, dexterously surmounting any
obstacle that comes in the way. Such is the immense, driving power of love."
-- Eknath Easwaran
"Therefore, when I say that ‘I love,’ it is not I who love, but in
reality Love who acts through me. Love is not so much something I do as
something that I am. Love is not a doing but a state of being - a
relatedness, a connectedness to another mortal, an identification with her or him that simply flows within me and through me, independent of my
intentions or my efforts."
-- Robert A. Johnson
"When you are aware that you are the force that is Life, anything is
possible. Miracles happen all the time, because those miracles are
performed by the heart. The heart is in direct communion with the human soul, and when the heart speaks, even with the resistance of the head, something inside you changes; your heart opens another heart, and true love is possible."
-- Don Miguel Ruiz
My relationship resignation letter...
Please accept this as official notice of my resignation. As you know, over the last five or so months, we have had many conflicts ranging from your violation of me to your blatant lies followed by empty tears. Although, you asked repeatedly for me to be in your life and tried to make me believe you when you said a few days ago (4/14/06) that you have not fully given up on us building together and creating a real Afrikan union, it is now clear to me that I will not be able to participate in that foul fuckery. It is important for the truth to guide me and you have yet to offer the truth to me.
We will not be able to resolve our differences because I am incapable of dealing with liars, cowards, fakers, violators, or womanizers. In order for me to create an honorable and genuine Afrikan family, I would not feel right forcing a nigga in conscious clothing onto my seeds. Although they haven't chosen to come forward yet, they are still way too precious to me for me to expose them to evil, lies, and quite frankly, to a poor excuse for a man...a male by-product. For those reasons, I feel that resigning is the best decision for me and for my future seeds.
Although, I have learned how to honor and trust my intuition while enduring your ridiculousness, I would really like to operate in a more genuine relationship than the one you are capable of offering. As you know, you stated that you wanted an amazing Afrikan-centered partner but the last few people who occupied that position left much to be desired in terms of that (the one before me and the one after me)and I am not convinced by your choices in the past five months or so that you are equipped to receive that magnificence, but you are only able to build with "run of the mill" employees. I cannot and will not be able to lower myself to those standards. We were in agreement at the beginning of our journey that I rocked and that's why you pursued me. Unfortunately, you were not and are not in a position to be comfortable with and unafraid of my rocktivity, therefore, I am no longer available to you.
Against my better judgment, I did not have you arrested for your illegal activity and now must suffer the consequences of being the good natured, compassionate, and understanding Queen that I am, who did not want to destroy your life despite the lack of love and lack of respect you showed to me in your violent actions. I understand now that it had to do with your weakness and insecurities. The only way you could overpower me was in that manner and that was why you chose to harm me in that way. Unfortunately, you never wanted an equal, you wanted an inferior. Because of my innate orange power, I am not the kind of woman you want or can handle and that is why I feel that is time to erase you from my life...by any means necessary.
Who would of thought that you could hate me so much that you would lie, violate, mislead, and behave cowardly at every turn? Ok, true...I challenged you. Complacency is deadly. Challenge does not warrant betrayal and BETRAYAL is what you have clearly committed to. I am so happy to know now that I wasn't crazy and my intuition was right all along. From the beginning to the end. Now I will trust my beloved intuition forever because had I listened to her in the first place I could have saved myself from a monster.
I let my higher self run our interaction for more than six months and she's out for lunch from now on. Check please! That's a wrap (courtesy of Divine)! We might have been able to be friends if you could have honored me just a little. You didn't and now I have to close the door on all of your empty words, deceitful tears, and malice. I don't want to think of you again. I hope to never see you again. I want you to never exist for me again. If you ever see me again, disappear. Make sure that I never see your face again. You owe me at least that. So, go away, evil doer...you don't belong in or near this love. It is divine and you have too much devil in you to be around it. I have no more interest in being what we could have been had you been half the man you claimed to be and foolishly thought you were. I have no use for you. I have no more patience for you. I have no desire to be with you. I have no use for your words. I have no use for your tears. I have no use for your secrets. I have no use for our tainted memories. If I could erase every thought of you from my mind I would...in a heart beat. I would dispose of any thought of you because you were a waste of my life...lessons learned and still a waste. I have no use for you...my heart is closed to you...it would take a miracle for me to want you again...
You continuously disguised your fear and hatred for me with niceness and false ignorance. Our exchanges mean nothing to me anymore. "Good", bad, and very ugly...nothing. Just a mistake. It was a mistake to say yes to you. It was a mistake to let you live in my home for free and offer up nothing. It was a mistake to take you to my family and let you feel what it really feels like to love and be loved in a genuine Afrikan way. It was a mistake to feel bad for hurting you with my words after you hurt me with your words and actions. It was a mistake to make plans to be with you forever. It was a mistake to believe you when you told me that you wanted me to be your Queen and mother of your seeds. It was a mistake to wipe your tears two months ago as you shivered and quivered in my arms. It was a mistake to wipe your tears and stroke your head as you cried on my floor after your father passed. It was a mistake to tell you that I loved you. It was a mistake to allow you to "tuck me in". It was a mistake to allow you in my life when you only had your own best interest in mind as you still do. It was a mistake to offer my friendship to you in all of these ways and in other ways unmentioned. You are my mistake and I'm clear about that now.
I long for a temple laced with honesty that will hold the magic potion to make my mind eternally spotless in terms of you...I've been able to achieve that before, but come February 2, 2006...here comes the devil incarnate with a plastic bag come-back. You have made it impossible for you to be real to me any longer because "real" is foreign to you, Dr. Jeckyll...or is it Mr. Hyde?
Not only do I want to clear you out of my life forever, I want you to be clear that I don't want to be with, near, around, involved, or associated with you. As I told you months ago, I no longer exist for you. I don't want to know you. I don't want to see you. I don't want to breathe the same air you breathe. You are poison. And I want to live a good life with nothing but genuine, loving, affectionate, worthy vessels surrounding me. I release you. As I said before, you don't see me and so it will never happen again. You don't know me and so it will never happen again. This orange souled love goddess was/is serious about coloring her life with love and you are not love. I am love and you are hate...everything you've done and said to me displays that and now that is all clear to me. May your arrogance, insecurities, and foul intent suffocate you and bring you back better than you are...with a soul or at least with humility.
I will continue to pray for your liberation from the lie that you call your life. I pray that you will come clean with yourself and those around you about who you are and what you have become. I hope that my higher self will forgive me this brief lapse of honesty without compassion. I hope to be forgiven...She knows what you did and I'm sure she understands my position and would even offer more allowances on my behalf. I am here to give love and to expose evil at every opportunity and if that doesn't sit well with you...who gives a damn?! I rock and you don't, so bite me! It doesn't matter because you no longer rent any space in my heart...it's open to real Afrikan love and nothing less. Unlike you, I'm not driven by fear, insecurities, or lies and I stomp through my life with lovely intent and truth. I fly above this world watching folks like you talk the talk that they are incapable of walking. Magic Love God-Is is my way, so I hope and pray that the Creator forgives you your trespasses against one of her angels. I hope you cease being a living memorial to this European way of dealing with the heart of a Queen...and if you don't, then good luck with the "run of the mill" girls you adore. Just stop saying you want more...you want better...you want a Queen. Lies lose loves...remember that.
My last day in La-La-Land Incorporated is April 16, 2006...the day of resurrection. I would be happy to discuss with you at my convenience the transfer of my love, respect, consideration, and compassion from your wretched soul to my deserving Afrikan King. I do not expect a response because I know you deal from cowardice...frightened and crying in a corner is your mode of operation. I know you better than any other unsuspecting sista and that is why you can't face me. I see you and no one else does...I pity them, for if they only knew, they would oust you like the disease you are...
*sigh*
There...it is time to close the door. I know you don't have the courage to try to stop me...(chuckle)...po'thang. I hope that you get exactly what you deserve in this life...peace...
In the light,
Ayana (aka Magic Love Goddess, Dancing Love Angel, Monet, Babygirl, Angel, Orange Blossom, Precious, Love, Queen, Star, Beautiful, The Best Thing to Ever Happen to You...me)
The truth is...
I deserve an apology...So, apologize...
I think I'm telling...
So, I tried to wait before I told my mama and my dad about the very, very, very ugly deeds of someone in order to spare that person trials and pain if they returned to my life (they said that they would...right! We all know how that goes...*crickets*) So, it seems to me that they're not doing anything that they said they would and now it seems like the time to close that door altogether by letting my sources know what happened some five months ago. Let them know what only a select few know. I know that if I share with them what happened it will be over for that person being in my life in any way, shape, or form. They will never be allowed in my corner again. My sister told me that person doesn't deserve more time...actually, the select few who know said the same thing, but I was trying to allow the person a chance to be a man of their word and to be quite honest, I've run out of patience (one month, two months, three months, four months...) and if I decide to share with my sources then it will happen this week...so, what to do? Moving on, folks, it's a trip! Philly was great...I had lots of good, umm, clean, umm, fun...ummm....LOL! Psych! Really, I did have good clean fun and I love it there. If I could move some place right now, it would be there. If I could move some people out of and far away from Atlanta, I'd love to stay here. At any rate, I'm back in Atlanta wanting to make it mine again...So, yeah, I wrote this because I wanted some opinions, some advice, some words of wisdom...possibly from those I know, those that I don't know, those I wish to know, whomever...I just want to stay away from mistakes this year and I want to make the best decision in this situation...making sure I do right by my self, my spirit, my heart, my future, my senses...that's all...I have to decide by this weekend. My mama will be here on Saturday and she's staying a week...If I tell, I'll be telling her within this upcoming week...hurry back with your wisdom. I eagerly await your gems (via email, comments, phone calls, whatever! I'm open!)
Spinning with arms wide open in the light and taking in all the orange soul I can...want some? I love to share...kisses, hugs, kugs...*muah*
Love,
Ayana
