Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Intimidation is a b.i.t.c.h. (brotha itching to capture heaven)

A friend of mine sent me a text letting me know that he noticed that I haven't been blogging. He also let me know that he wanted to be notified when I did blog again because he likes to read what I have to say, so this is for him, my peace of mind, and my empty blog space. Many things to do and nowhere near enough time to do them all, so here's to me blowing off my academic work to talk about my personal work! Woo Hoo!

So,, man. It's soooo very predictable and surprising all at the same time. Where do I begin? Hmmm...well, how about at intimidation, then maybe to a dab of convo on insincerity, then maybe a helping of some hope vs. belief. I might even throw in some cut-off for dessert.

This word has been haunting me for a number of years now. I've learned in the past few years that I've intimidated many brothas and sistas. It really blows my mind. This one brotha told me fairly recently that because I'm doing everything that I'm supposed to do, I'm strong, I'm intelligent, and because I am fly, I am intimidating. That sounds crazy to me. I'm fly and because I'm fly, I intimidate. I wonder, if a brotha handles his business, does that make me any less intimidating? Intimidation is an annoying creature. It makes people behave like children, it causes them to be impotent, I mean incompetent, I mean impotent, I mean incompetent. lol. It makes people shy away from people who could actually assist them in being magnificent individuals. They claim that they want heaven and they see GOD in you, but they are too intimidated to claim it and all that it would require of them to lay claims on bliss. It leads people to search for partners who will idolize them as opposed to grow with them. As Joi says, they start "dealing with somebody that's, like, 50 leagues under the sea below where you are." Woo! Honey Boom! What a brotha will go to and through to get that precious ego stroked! LOL! Intimidation is a b.i.t.c.h. Hmmmm....

So, yeah, I hate liars and cowards. It doesn't matter in what form they come, I hate 'em. What happened to out loud living? Where the hell did that shit go? What happened to humility, modesty, and honesty being intermingled to the point of colorful juicy clarity? Blows my mind.

Hope vs. Belief:
It was recently brought to my attention that I have hope that I will realize something very important to me, but I don't believe that I will realize it. I was unaware of my line of thinking surrounding that topic. I had no idea that I didn't believe it would be for me. Wow. It threw me into analysis paralysis (courtesy of my lovely mama...she coined that term in her 20s). I have been chewing on that issue for days. I'm just about to stick it in my hair, possibly comb it out, possibly cut it out, and then dissect it again with all my many question marks. My homeboi and I spoke about my life and what I want in it and he asked me a number of questions that really made me think. I love that brotha...he rocks. He said some rather flattering things to me and I'm not ashamed to say that I cried in Barnes and Noble after reading what he wrote about the flyness that is Ayana. LOL! It was so moving to hear such wonderful things about myself from someone that I care about and respect so completely. Seriously. Full on tears in the middle of transcribing 2 hours worth of interviews. I mean, projectile crying! I'm sure I looked every bit of the part of psycho, AND it was a pivotal moment for me. So, yeah, I'm going to work on visualizing to improve my hope to belief ratio. I need to address that mess sooner than later. I believe I will. :)

Yeah, I've been acting a fool. I've allowed many things to happen that shouldn't have within the past few months and I'm done with that. I know why I did though. I wanted something and I tried to make things fit that just didn't. For example: I wanted to build a friendship with a brotha who wanted to be my man. I allowed things to mutate and become blurry, but then I had to come to terms with what I knew when we first met, that he was not strong enough (spiritually, emotionally, physically, etc.) to be with me. So, he became the cut-off unintentionally...he had not enough balls to address the cut-off, so the cut-off took hold. The cut-off is here to stay unless homeboi grows a pair to address it, which is very unlikely. I clearly made space for this foolishness and I take full responsibility for it. I also take full responsibility for all the other foolish things I've participated in for the past couple of months. I gotta get back to slowing down...I've got my foot on the gas in my personal life and I need to be easy...fall back...So, yeah, I've been opening up my space and that was foolish, so now I have to cut-off all a nut-shell!

Dessert is is the main course and appetizer. lol. So, yeah, back to trying to save the world. I'm sure this is incoherent, but hey, such is life.

Kisses, hugs, kugs to all my lovely loves...


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