Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Yellow Daisies

So, today is Black Love Day...wow...it's been a long time since one felt like a big deal to me. This year's Black Love Day feels like a big deal. I don't feel any longing, loneliness, fear, disappointment, sadness about Black Love today. Today, I went about my normal schedule...I got up, made myself some breakfast and watched the city awaken, did some work, went to see Cheryl, went to my assistantship, went to classes, and came home...Funny, on the way out of my condo, the security guard stopped me and said, "Ayana, I was just about to call you. This handsome guy stopped by and dropped off these flowers and a card." I was touched and I wasn't blown away. I've learned that a persons good deeds doesn't equate to that person being a good person...people can be deceitful. Anyway, he picked out two of my three favorite flowers...orange and yellow daisies. He listened to me...he heard me when I spoke about me, who I am, what I like, what makes me weird, what makes me different than any other person in the world...my uniqueness...That was nice. Oddly, that wasn't the best part of my day. The best part of my day was doing my work. I loved completing assignments, making new connections, talking about my thesis and dissertation topic, learning more about deficit frameworks that affect the education of Black men...that part of my day made me feel fulfilled.

I've learned a lot about the goodness I deserve within the past few years and I feel like those lessons have been and will continue to be ever-present in my life. I like that...I Black Love that! I've also held myself accountable in making sure that nothing but goodness is allowed around me and my love...I've done a good job. I'm proud of myself...that's not something many people can say about themselves and mean it...I am officially tooting my own horn...toot toot beep beep! (smile)

The beginning of the year started off in an interesting place. It began on an optimistic note and then things got dreary...no, they became confusing. I had a nightmare about getting shot in the head by a man in the army and the next day I found out that my homegirl that I grew up with had been murdered by her husband who was just back from Iraq. The murder happened in Columbus, OH...I couldn't figure out why I dreamt what I did and why I dreamt it before I knew about my friend. Oh yeah, it happened across the street from where my brother lived before he had his stroke. I immediately sought some guidance and support. I got a reading, a lot was revealed to me, and I have work to do...I have an obligation to my people that I kinda knew was there, but I just wasn't SURE it was there. My suspicions have been confirmed and I've accepted it. I'm actually happy about it because it makes me make even more sense. Nobody that I told about it in detail was even surprised! LOL! I was pretty much the only one surprised...So, I got my head washed and began my work...life got better after I did. I slept through the night again...

My journal has been filling up and the truth has been flooding out all around me...it's lovely and refreshing. I've started choreographing again. Right now I'm working on a few pieces to some Nina Simone music. It feels gooooooood! They may even be performed in my company's Mother's Day show...I'm excited. The last Mother's Day show we had, my mama couldn't come because my brother was in the hospital...this year will be different and sadder than that year. That year I did a piece that dealt with women who were seeking healing and the ancestors grabbed ahold of me during the piece...it was heavy...

I came to some realizations about how I feel about the loss of my brother...in two months, the anniversary of his stroke will be here. I miss him...The first words he said after he had his stroke were to me. He had trouble getting it out. It took him a while, but he fought to tell me this..."I...Love...You." He had to rest afterwards because it took so much out of him...that's Black Love to me. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You. I...Love...You......................

I'm in love with humanity, my family, my sistas, my dreams, my ancestors, my destiny, my orisha, my peace, my space, my journey, my motivation, myself...that's Black Love for me today. It's looking at us and being totally in love with our goodness. I love our badness because of the lessons learned by it, AND it's the goodness that hugs me when I need comfort.

There have been a few songs that I've been playing on repeat the past couple of weeks and they've begun to fill my head when silence is invading me. Angie Stone, Tiombe Lockhart, Slum Village, J*Davey, Hil St. Soul, Mos Def, Galactic Soul, Roy Ayers, Michael Jackson, Joi...they've been my saving grace for a number of weeks and I'm centered partly because of their gifts...Of course, all of them have been accompanied by my frolicking, spinning, high kicking, and dancing when no one is around...lol....and when lots of people are around...lol...that's how I do and it feels right.

I'm happy and busy...not much time for anything that is bad or evil...only space for the lovely and I'm gonna try to keep it that way...*sigh*

So, yeah, Happy Black Love Day...I hope healing and happiness touch all of my lovely loves today and always...I love my lovely loves and I am so thankful to be on my journey with them right beside me...radiating goodness, wisdom, patience, understanding, respect, accountability, honesty, light, peace, humility, and love...kisses, hugs, kugs...Happy Black Love Day....

Ayana a.k.a. Magic Love Goddess, Dancing Love Angel, Monet, Babygirl, Angel, Orange Blossom, Precious, Love, Queen, Star, Beautiful, Soul Flower...me

1 Comments:

At 8:45 PM, Anonymous Mom had said was, uh...

You never cease to amaze me my beautiful, spiritual daughter, sister, friend. Your reflections bring me such warmth, joy, inspiration and hope for a tomorrow full of possibilities. I feel your love of self and our people in every word and as I savor every syllable, I smile. Who knew that so much wisdom and determination could dwell in someone of your tender years. Everyday, every hour, every moment I marvel at your strength and dedication and realize how blessed I am to be your Mama.

You are my joy, you are my best self and I love you so very much.

 

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