*sigh*
1st and foremost:
I really enjoyed being at home. I went home to Ohio and I spent a lot of time with my family (blood-related and chosen), my old dance company, and my love. It felt sooooo good. I didn't want to leave that space. Even though there was a certain level of drama, which is to be expected in any situation, I still felt like staying in that environment...it felt genuine and safe. I saw my brother's best friend yesterday and we reminisced about my brother...I almost allowed myself to cry...that part was pretty rough. When I did my solo I had a bit of a breakdown...I miss him being around...I miss him...Home was good though. I really enjoyed the love...Now onto the nitty gritty!
So, before I share my thoughts, I'm gonna pose a few situations and see how other folks see it...
A brotha tells you that you hava a tail-light out on your car. This brotha calls himself your friend. He does not take care of that for you. You share the situation with a few other brothas in your space and they don't take care of it either. What should a sista do with these brothas? I have my own opinions, of course, LOL! I've been taught that brothas, friends and intimate companions alike, are supposed to take care of that. Not only should they bring it to a sista's attention, but they should also take it upon themselves to alleviate the problem. That old-school Black man and gentleman is who I would expect to show up on the scene. If that man didn't show up, I'd get to the business of deleting numbers, closeness, and relationships with the quickness. I'd like to know what other folks think about a situation like that...what is a sista to do about brothas that don't kick in?
A brotha tells a sista, out of the blue without you even mentioning it, that he is not ready to be in a relationship. The sista hasn't said that she was interested in pursuing a relationship with said brotha and he is clearly assuming that this sista is on his tip, like that at least...what is a sista to do about a brotha who is that full of themselves?
I'm really not a fan of talking about the tragedy that is the state of Black folks relationships, AND I just can't even be quiet about what I've been seeing lately. Boy, we have GOT to do better! I'm sooooooooooo disappointed in brothas these days! Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE US, good, bad, and very, very, very ugly, AND some of our brothas, possibly a lot of our brothas, are NOT honoring us...it's sooooo sad. I really wish it were different. I really wish I felt different at this point...I just would love for a brotha to prove me wrong. I'm sooooo hoping one will...possibly two...I'd love for a whole lot to prove me wrong. I've been wrong before, I'm okay with that...I'm open to learning a lesson on this one too. So, yeah, what's a sista to do?
Let me tell you...
So many things going on and so little time to get it all out in the open! I've had a very full past 3 months. So many thangs! Sheesh! Yeah, I'm gonna have to section this one up. How about dancing, family, friends, and brothas...wow. That's a lot.
DANCINGA sista in my dance company asked me last week if I've blogged lately and she seemed interested in reading what I had to share or at least getting an update on where I am emotionally and such...I was surprised and I'm gonna update some folks. I'm taking that as the universe asking me to let it out. Here goes...
So, there has been some sort of virus infecting people in my dance life. People have been filled with ego, back-stabbing, hating, lying, insecurity, thievery, lack of appreciation, pseudo-Afrikan behavior, and pure selfishness! Honey Boom! I'm totally disappointed in some key people in my space and because of their un-sisterly/un-motherly behavior I am unable to see them in a positive light. I no longer trust them and they have done NOTHING to gain my trust back. I mean, it's gotten as bad as someone committing to look out for me like their own daughter, promising to do that to my mama, and then stealing from me and not honoring my artistry or commitment to the excellence of the company. It's bad. I'm not even the only one who has had such negative experiences with these people, so I KNOW it isn't me.
I was sooooo angry about this lack of integrity shown to me that I was at the point where I wanted to inflict physical pain onto a few people. Now, for those who know me and have known me, they knew/know that I have done a significant amount of work on myself in terms of not resorting to physical violence when dealing with fools. I'm good at verbal communication now, but I used to think that was unnecessary. I used to think that if you crossed me in that way, we didn't need to talk...I just needed to fight you. I've worked on that...long and hard. It takes a lot for me to get to that point now. The fact that I was ready to throw out all of that work to just lay hands, feet, drum sticks, and such on these individuals meant that I was severely wronged for an extended period of time and my limit had been reached. So, yeah, it's not good and I've come to terms with the fact that I am not able to look to the company I'm with to provide the sistahood that they claim to have as a present, essential, and functioning element of the group because it's inconsistent and biased. I feel like I've been bamboozled...It's really sad too...I used to think they were like my sisters, but sisters don't behave the way some of them have behaved to me and/or to each other.
The flip side of dancing for me is that NEW YORK ROCKED for me and my lovely loves! My uncle, who has never seen me dance before in my 27 years, came to see me perform and he loved it! I met some fly sistas and brothas who shared some good energy with me...it was nice. I got to live as an artist...I lived, ate, breathed my love (dance) and it was electric! I got some fabulous feedback on my performance and I made it through a rough earthday (May 22)...it was love in New York and I can't wait to plant my roots there again...
FAMILYSo, the anniversary of my brother's passing is on Thursday and I am dreading it. I am nowhere near over it and that's mainly because I have not been dealing with it. Still haven't moved the clothes and I still can't bring myself to go to the grave. 7 people transitioned in 2 years...Too much. I miss my mama and even my dad...
I thought about working on the developing of my relationships with my half-siblings, but that hasn't really worked out too well either. I've been wanting to do that since I was little. I had begun to ask my dad for info on my sisters while in college and I wanted to facilitate us getting to know each other and growing closer. That was blocked and now the doors are open and it seems as though I'm out of facilitating that. I feel like the outcast in that crew...for a few reasons.
1. My father was married to my mama when they were all conceived and he stayed with her even after my half-siblings were born. My parents are still together and I think that dynamic may make some of my half-siblings feel like I'm the one to oust.
2. My half-brother, who I met when I was 13 (I think), has made it very clear that he feels some kinda way about my father not being there for him how he would have liked. He even went so far as to send me a very long email a month after my brother died detailing his feelings. That email pissed me off royally too...it began with him offering his condolences (1 sentence or 2) and then the rest of it detailed how he felt about our father. He used my brother's death as a space for him to talk about himself and my father and I thought that was in bad taste, completely selfish, and inconsiderate. I still have not forgiven him for that...we haven't spoken since.
3. They're all born and raised in NY (my parents lived there before I was born) and they have that in common.
4. There have been sibling interactions and attempts at sibling relationship building that have occurred without me, which is fine. I just feel like the lack of inclusion means that folks don't want me involved. I'm alright with that...I only had my brother growing up and we were 13 years apart so I played solo a lot, but it would've been nice to have siblings...it feels lonely to know that after my mama passes (if she goes before me) I'll be alone...it really saddens me...
FRIENDSSo, I have been on duty, son! I've been really busy lately trying to do things for my sistas and I've neglected myself a lot. I've been working on giving myself more time. I truly enjoy being with myself...I love me. Lots going on around me and I have NO problem with being a sistafriend...I actually love it! My sistafriends are family to me. They're the family I got to choose and I'm super lucky to have them in my life...I am exhausted though. LOL! I'm telling you! I don't know how my homegirls do half of the stuff they do on a daily basis. They are soooo dope! Folks be sleeping on them! LOL!
My homebois have truly disappointed me...they have been shamefully absent when I've been in need of a MAN to do some MAN things for me...like...changing my flat tire. Yeah, I can do that on my own, but I would have loved to have been able to call one of the "MEN" I knew to handle that. I mean, really! My surrogate grandmama passed away, my homegirl let them know, and none of those MF-ers checked on me once! WTF?! So, I've had to come to terms with the fact that my homebois aren't really my homebois...not really. People who care about you check on you...they show up. Those suckas didn't show up and they almost made me show out...I have some homebois who are married and trying to mack sistas...I mean, REALLY?! I think that is sooo dishonorable and, frankly, TRIFLING! I'm soooo disappointed in and disgusted by the brothas in my life...make it hard for me to even look at them...they're bad news bears...not a good look for brothas.
BROTHASSo, yeah, my brothas! I wish I had some goodness to share in this department, but I've had no such luck. All the brothas I've interacted with have been utterly disappointing. They've self-absorbed, high all the damn time, totally consumed with being rappers, without transportation or housing, sporting gold teeth by choice, and wanting all of the perks without doing any of the work. I'm not saying that any of those things are bad, I'm just saying that's not what I want. I want to be given wings to allow me to float with my king...there are no wings in sight. All I see are brick filled timberland boots! It's sooooo hard in the yard for a sista like me! If only I didn't expect our Afrikan men to be the lovely embodiment of determination, manhood, brown and sugary affection and concern for me and their people...if only I would accept brothas who don't hold themselves or each other accountable for how they carry themselves, how they treat Afrikan women, and their families...if only I didn't want to build chocolate love in the sky and bounce from cloud to cloud on the scent of an honorable, genuine, rugged, and raw Afrikan love...if only...then I'd have all sorts of options out there! I can't do that to my heart though...I can't do that to my spirit though...I can't do that to my future seeds though...I can't do that to the community though...I love us too much to not expect and require our inherent greatness...So, yeah, I'm still waiting to be swept up in the strong, cocoa, loving grasp of my unknown love warrior so that we can walk through this life with a revolutionary love that has no bounds and no end...still waiting...
That's about it...I'm gonna get back to work. I've shared and hopefully it touched someone or something and ignited goodness!
In the light,
Ayana
