Monday, October 20, 2008

Be good to yourself and others

So, I have had so many life changes in the past 3 years. I'm going to avoid talking about all of the changes because, quite frankly, I don't have enough time to speak on them carpal tunnel might kick in! lol.

More recently I've come to some very real understandings about the woman I am and what I need to be happy in relationships...relationships with men, relationships with my sista-friends, relationships with my family, relationships with my work, relationships with myself...I'm still gathering what those relationships look like in their entirety, but some things have become very clear.

That process has been very painful for me and it has frequently manifested itself in very I-yana-like manners. For those who don't know what that means, let me clarify...I-yana is the other side of this gemineye...she is more willing to behave in ways that are not centered in being mature, patient, or from a higher-self space. That side of me is always down to "go there" with folks who also want to "go there" and I feel unapologetic for meeting people where they are. The bad part of me being in that space is that when I get to the space in which I want to address why I feel the need to "go there," I'm left to deal with the pain I felt in the relationships that house those not-so-nice interactions. I end up having to confront intense feelings of hurt...I end up coming face-to-face with what has injured me in those relationships and have led me to behave in a manner that is reminiscent of the girl I was before I did any real work on self.

Usually, I can take that part of me and put it on the back-burner, but for the past few months I've been unable to do so and that let me know that I was very much in the mix of feeling some kinda way...I hate being that person because what usually follows is me being even more like my younger self and behaving from a space that lacks filters. The flip side of that is that if I "go there" all the way, people who have been taking my kindness for weakness become aware of the person that lurks within me that just isn't so nice and that may lead them to be more careful with my feelings, how they treat me, and then treat me with more respect than they have been.

I've had conversations with a few people recently that have actually seen me be more I-yana-like, namely, Shelley, Jackie, and my mama and I remembered that girl. I used to only give a brief 3 chance warning and I would just fly off the handle. I'm not proud to say that I was that person within the past 3 years...not a good look. I lack control of myself when that happens, I am totally driven by emotion, and that concerns me...I am not interested in being that person anymore and more importantly, I'm not interested in the feeling the pain that drives me to be that person.

These past 3 years, more specifically, the past 3 months have reminded me that loyalty is an integral element in all of my relationships. I have come to terms with loyalty being a necessity in all of my personal relationships if I am to be able to go all in. Generally, I go all in with my relationships...I do my very best to be my very best in those relationships and when I feel as though someone is being disloyal to me, I am extremely hurt by that. I pride myself on being a loyal friend...for example: A really good friend of mine and I were once really good friends with this one sista. The sista said some really nasty things to both of us separately , so we distanced ourselves from her. I've found it within myself to forgive that sista for the awful things she said to me, but I will not make moves towards patching up that friendship because my homegirl really does not like loyalty is to my friend and I am not interested in betraying our friendship...our sistahood...loyalty. Some folks don't get that and don't support my approach, but when you've been betrayed by so many folks like I have, you become very focused on avoiding betraying those you love and consider to be important parts of your life. I would never want to inflict the pain of betrayal on anyone...I know how excruciating it is to feel as though someone you trusted betrayed you.

So, yeah...loyalty. It's very important to me and seeing how few people in my life have loyalty to me has been very painful for me to realize. It reminds me of how alone I really am down here in Atlanta. So, today I plan on taking time and energy to heal myself...I don't want to participate in passing around hurt and in order for me to avoid that, I need to be very aware of the space I am in...hurt and working on healing. If anyone has ANY suggestions on other ways I can move beyond this feeling and move into a more positive space PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SHARE! *deep breath*

As usual, I'm working on being better and I hope some other folks will join me in my journey...Kisses, hugs, kugs...

Loving light,

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At 1:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous had said was, uh...

In your lifetime you may only encounter a handful of people who really care to know who you are and respect you for your differences. Even family dont show each other the respect and attention that a member might need. That's why we find friends, and only one or two out of many will always be there. These friends are the ones who probably know and like Ayana and I-yana. Life is about balance and overstanding yourself. Let those in who want overstand you and let those who dont. I think everyone struggles with this. Be loyal to yourself first. People/friends will always come and go. Being alone is not always bad. It helps me think... and heal.
Who Jah Bless


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