Tuesday, November 29, 2005

I wanna...

write, walk, learn, hug, kiss, talk, think, breathe, see, dance, live, trust, believe, engage, create, recreate, humble, educate, give, love, blow sun kisses over skin, spread orange over bodies, and lay across the earth...again and again and again....to be continued....

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Learning...





What did I say before? I love hard, I fight hard, I hurt hard, I miss hard, I dance hard, and it's magical...hmmm...It's still true and I think right now is a good time to reaffirm it. I've learned a lot about self and myself in relation to other people in the past 10 months. I am different now. I'm different than I was five months ago, a year ago, two weeks ago, three years ago, and beyond. I'm proud of that. I'll be different in the future when I receive my next adventure, my next experience, my next...anything. I'm not scared anymore to share my softer side if it's the right thing to do. I'm not foolish enough to share my softer side if it's not the safe thing to do. I'm not afraid to see the harder side of me. I've learned that I will be judged. I'm learning not to be afraid of my strength. I've learned that being strong won't always be appreciated. I've learned that it's best to allow myself to be weak and tired and to let that show. I've learned that I need to surround myself with people who can do that too. I've learned that I can give when I feel empty. I have learned that my body is precious. I've learned that life is always beautiful. I've learned to embrace, hug, kiss, and share affection when those that I adore aren't looking. I've learned what it means to really appreciate people. I've learned how to say "Goodbye". I've learned how to say " I apologize". I've learned how to say "I was wrong". I've learned how to say "I love you...all parts of you..." in the eyes of doubt. I've learned how to forgive. I've learned how to be more patient. I've learned how to laugh at myself in front of others again. I've learned how to cry out loud. I've learned how to wail. I've learned how to smile while I bleed. I've learned how to hope. I'm learning how to trust in others. I've learned about the importance of physical communication. I've learned how to be careful. I've learned that she is not me, me is not she, and I only want to be me. I've learned more about Aries. I've learned about my interpretive dance skills. I'm not afraid of being snowed in with a crazy person. I've learned that making sure someone has food, shelter, clean clothing, support, and love doesn't necessarily say "I love you" or "I appreciate you" or "I trust you". I've learned that hurt feelings can't always be fixed with an apology. I've learned that I like to be held. I've learned that I want someone to catch me when I fall (and that I will fall from time to time). I've learned how to be thankful for African men. I've learned how to pray for the strength of my King. I've learned how to pray for the strength of my King when I have no strength myself. I've learned how fear has the power to destroy. I've learned how to want more. I've learned that I deserve more than I imagined or desired. I'm learning how to realize my Queendom...I have learned...I am learning...I will continue to learn...


This song means a lot to me...more than it used to...

If I asked you to trust me on all things,
Could you do it?
If I needed you to map your position,
Would you try it?
You're constantly talking about how much you love me, want me, need me, you told me stop talking.
No more conversation necessary.

Show me, show me, show me, show me, show me, show me, show me, show me, show me.
Show me, show me, show me, show me, show me.

If I needed you to replenish my faith in brothers,
Could you do it?
If I needed you to be, cool with my strength,
Could you do it?
You're constantly talking about how much you love me, want me, need me, you told me stop talking.
No more conversation necessary.

Show me, show me, show me, show me, show me, show me, show me, show me, show me.
Show me, show me, show me, show me, show me.

Your word is love but you push me away, and won't say why.
You show me your exterior, I need to see your interior, I need to be absolutely clear wit cha, if we are to ever stand a chance.
It's the last dance, don't you see, show me the warrior you're born to be.

Warrior keep fightin, I know you're there.
Keep fightin, warrior I know you're there.

-Jill Scott
"Show Me"

And the Oscar Goes To...

I'm going to make a movie and this is how the awards will go...whatcha think?

Best Movie: The Nigga in Conscious Clothing

Best Director: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Best Musical Score: The UnconditionaLove's Strength Chant

Best Leading Actor: The Great Pretender

Best Leading Actress: The Foolish Believer

Best Supporting Actor: The Bad Example

Best Supporting Actress: The Run of the Mill Slickster


Song of the moment: I knew you by The Pharcyde

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Today...


This is today...I'm in Philadelphia and it's new. It's refreshing and it was right on time for me to make this journey. I spoke to my mama today. I talked to myself today...Conversations...I danced this weekend like my heart depended on it. Dancing was the only real support available to me (other than my mama) that supported me without requiring me to give first. It felt good. I wonder what it feels like to have a person love you so much (with all of your pluses and minuses) that they want to be there for and with you just because...and that "just because" is genuine, steady, and permanent. You know, they give you strokes when you're down and out, instead of kicks (silence, more negativity, or negligence). I wonder...I don't even know if that can exist all the time in any relationship, but I think it can most of the time. Call me a dreamer...Hmmm, to tell me "You are an amazing person" and the proof of their honesty always lies in their actions. I bet that feels like having a rainbow reside in your heart. I want a hug right now. I want a kiss right now. I want someone to stroke my hair and tell me that I'll be alright and to really mean it. I want to not make the same mistakes again. I want to be more careful. I want to watch what I say more often. I want to feel appreciated. I want to be understood. I want to play Ms. Pac Man while listening to Talib Kweli and know that it's just for fun. I hear lauryn hill right now, " We give rise to ego, by being insecure...too engaged in denial to admit we're immature...open up your eyes Mr. Intentional..." I wonder if this truth is present in my life. Do I know people like this? Have I identified them? Should I make myself unavailable to them? That person just sounds toxic. "Stop blaming other people cause it's nobody else's fault...Accept the truth about you, know that life goes on without you...disguising your intentions....don't worship my hurt feelings, Mr. Intentional...The only wealth I have to give is not material, and if you need much more than that, I'm not available..." These words really resonate with me...I overstand...I need to be available to myself now and tell truths about the good in me and tell truths about the danger in this world...I want to paint orange in my life and put myself first now. I haven't done that for what feels like months..."You say love and then abuse me...I see past your disguises...but I get out...psychological locks" Lauryn helped me find some clarity...I think music can equal healing sometimes...I love myself deeply...The sun is shining here...there is a breeze that seems to honestly promise me...These songs of freedom...redemption song

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