Thursday, September 02, 2010

A juicy/good side of me :-)

I've been having some pains in my life and I've shared freely about some of them. One that has brought me to an ugly place often is my natural desire to give love and affection to people until I'm empty and not get it back. I'm usually pretty guarded in relationships until I feel like the people I'm dealing with have my back, are loyal to me, and can reciprocate at least half of the time AND if they do something to change that idea I have about them, I become very hurt and pull back and may even cut them off emotionally without them knowing. SO...now that that's out of the way...to the juicy side. LOL!

I have a real appreciation for the intensity of my love for others. I've noticed that it's something most folks don't have or don't show. This has allowed me to genuinely cherish that part of me. I know that I want to give love and give affection and support to people in my life. I like giving words of encouragement and support. I love hearing someone smile over the phone or seeing it in person and making people feel good about themselves. I love it when I can be there for someone I care about. It feeds me and makes me smile on the inside. I love being a cheerleader for people...especially those whom I love. In the past, I've loved beyond my past limitations and it felt amazing when I felt like it was reciprocated. I think that's a part of what makes me me...I love people with sugary persistence and consideration. I so enjoy seeing happiness and peace in and on people I love. It rocks! It truly warms me. Also, I am well-versed at this act of putting others before myself and I think that's an admirable trait to have. I'm trying to do better at putting myself first, AND it's not something I find easy to do...it's actually quite challenging and unnatural to me. But, hey, I'm a work in progress :-)


AND...


when that kind of love, care, consideration, concern, straight up goodness is returned, I fall deeply in love with those people in my life. Dudes become loves, friends become sisters or brothers, acquaintances become friends, etc. I want to keep giving because I am addicted to the feeling of loving and being loved...especially by my man. (WARNING: Very specific mushy, dreamy, sugary, lovey stuff to follow) It makes me want to lie down in his hugs and smother him in chocolate kisses that heal pains of a thousand years and bandage his heart with comfort and protection. I want love him like this kinda love…I want to grab his hand in public and allow myself to tap back into that part of me that is outwardly lovey dovey, caking unapologetically, kisses in front of friends and foes alike, note passing, secret looks and touches that let him know he can come home (code word...lol) whenever he's ready, I'll gladly cook you breakfast, lunch, and dinner while I'm on a liquid fast, run up, smile, and embrace you whenever you walk through the door, laugh at your corny jokes, choreograph a dance in honor of the man you are and the husband you will be in our union, sing every love song I hear with you in mind, plan for us to journey on together in pursuit of fighting the oppression of Afrikan people and follow-thru in our battle side by side, heart fluttering whenever I think about walking through this life with you and our seeds, writing books about my life and having you be the King in the story, helping our community and giving my all to the cause while battling fatigue and pain and always finding a space in my arms, in my heart, in my soul, in my space, in my life for you, truly seeing you and accepting you…flaws and all…and knowing that you do the same for me, us both being so comfortable in and committed to our union that apart is not an option, being emotionally naked in front of each other and knowing it's safe so our deepest and darkest fears can be spoken and released into nothingness because the only space we have between us is that of warriors who walk steadily and together to make our worries no more, picking my battles and knowing that the war to fight isn't between he and I but outside of the space we call us, whining it up with you all night at the club and not needing to be anywhere else but in your grasp because that's where you want me anyway, I'm gonna have to tell my homegirls to count me out because you and I are the only parts of this equation this weekend, be so mad at you that I could straight slap a fool and melting in the first moment you grab me up with gentle eyes that say, "Babe, let's not fight...you know I love you," and arms that say, "Put your tension away and relax with me," and lips that say, "Just because we don't see eye-to-eye about this doesn't mean that we are broken...just breathe and rest your mind...I'm here...and we'll get through this," and us both wanting to do nothing more at that moment except for exercise our very healthy desire for each other and focus on choosing peace and love, keeping my shoes on cause you like it, picking out outfits and scents and *clears my throat* just because I know you'll like how it looks, feels, and smells and I love the way you send a charge through me when you look at me with pleasure and hunger in your eyes...and pleasing is what we aim to do for each other, imagining sending the children to you for discipline and piggy-back rides, hugging our babies while you look on with pride...proud of your children, your wife, your family, your journey, your manhood, your husbandhood, us holding hands through the rough moments in life and wiping each others tears when they fall, being ride or die because that's just how we roll for each other, picking up your clothes off the floor and being so annoyed, but being pleasantly surprised when I close the washer door and you've closed the laundry room door and we're back to peace, speaking Twi in the bedroom so our spirits, words, souls, bodies are connected in our true tongue...so, yeah...when I feel loved and I am loving (with my man) it makes me want to be this person again...without reservation or fear because I know he got me and I got him...partners in crime...together...

I love that part of me and I’m just chomping at the bit to be able to give and have that kinda love between me and my man. I think it's lovely and can serve multiple purposes and one being that it will allow the love from generations of loving Afrikan women like me to be shared for the purposes of healing, feeling, protecting, building, nurturing, and making a loving Afrikan family and community...Not everybody loves that part of me or appreciates it, but I think it’s kinda cool and definitely super dope! lol ;-)

So, yeah...this is just something that has been on my mind for the past couple of weeks...loving all sides...good, bad, and very ugly because that's what makes us who we are...gonna keep living and learning and hoping to journey through this in good company...


Kisses, hugs, kugs…

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