Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Breathe - Brothas

So, I'm sitting here with an insane case of insomnia. I'm not really able to find a peaceful space to be in, at least, not peaceful enough for me to fall asleep. I've had some very interesting moments in the past couple of months...as usual. lol. I said before that because so many things were going on in my life, I would address the different situations one at a time...well, the time for brothas has come...dun, dun, Duuunnnnnnnn! (Scream!) LOL! I'm also fairly certain that I will be sharing more than I should...being honest to a fault is usually my way AND I would much rather be honest about my life, my journey, my experiences, and my lessons than insincere, ashamed, or only partially open about how I came to be who I am today...it's my story and think there is no need for censoring one's story...it's yours and it's lovely...good, bad, and very ugly. lol.

I think what made me want to write about this part was the very disturbing experience I had with my father the other day. He and I had a very heated conversation that ended in a really bad place. A number of his poor choices came up, how they keep happening, how they effect our family, and his inability to hold himself accountable...I would go into details, but for fear of my fingers falling off from typing out his extraordinarily long list of faux pas, I'll spare my fingers and anyone who reads this the details...

So, the conversation with him and conversations with my homegirls about my conversation with him made me think of some pretty disturbing ish. My homegirl said something that crossed my mind after my father and I's conversation...she said how sad it was that he laid such an ugly foundation for me and such an ugly blueprint from which I was to pattern my partners after...I've patterned my boyfriends after...hopefully not my husband though.

I am officially nervous about this...I didn't think I was patterning my partners after my father, and now that I take a good look at them...I was. I have never had a serious, healthy, intimate relationship with a man. They have all been emotionally and physically abusive, dismissive, self-centered, and completely incapable of holding themselves accountable. Each and every one of them...this is something that I'm a little embarrassed about. Knowing all that I know and seeing al that I've seen...I still have not picked good men. There were times in my life when I would allow horrifying things to happen to me and not speak on it...in the moment, I would even think that them doing those horrible things meant they REALLY loved me. They wouldn't do those things if they didn't, right? What did they say in that movie? "I don't believe my man loves me unless he hits me once a week..." I wish that was the extent of the awful things I went through...looking back, I'm so afraid of who that girl was...I'm so afraid of becoming that person again...I'm so afraid of loving someone so much that I don't have any room to love myself...it petrifies me...

I have attracted men who may seem to be polar opposites of my father in the beginning, but in the end, they always turn out to be like him. The flip side of that is that I have taken to being dismissive to men who say kind things to me...I have difficulty believing that men can say nice things to me and mean it. I've become suspicious, extremely cautious, afraid, and untrusting...I've become the total opposite of what I used to be. I feel like I've said this before and I WISH I could have moved beyond this place...I WISH I wasn't in this place anymore.

My homegirl, Shelley, told me to visualize my husband and what kind of man he is and how we are going to be...I told her that I was having some SERIOUS difficulty doing that...more so like I just couldn't because I've never been with a man that behaved like I want my husband to nor have I seen a man behave like I would want my husband to behave. I've seen parts of him in different men, but not ONE man has had ALL of that. What's that saying? Need to take a whole lot of pieces of men to make a good one? LOL! I don't really believe that all brothas are that bad...the saying is funny though because I can see how someone could REALLY believe it to be true! lol. Anyway, so yeah, visualizing a good man is considerably hard for me to do these days and I think that's really sad. I go back and read my old blogs and see how much I was REALLY TRYING to stay positive and hopeful about brothas and to not be able to visualize my King is so disheartening for me...I really want to have that hope again...I need it so...

So, I wrote this piece after my last heart/soul/spirit break with the most recent ex. I want to be done with that type of pain. The piece is called "Please don't let me"...Here it goes:

'Please don't let me do it again. Don't let me love like this again...I just want to come out of my skin. I want the memory to end. I want the truth to begin inside these palms that my broken heart, wounded spirit, and red eyes lie in...I want to feel genuinely whole again...I hate the stench of mistakes and foul play...I want lemon scented new to wash over my heart and make it hard again...I want to disappear again...cut off my hands for reaching for him...burn my skin with hate for ever allowing it to touch his skin...remove my brain for thinking of him...Where is the one for me? Where is my king? When will I meet the man worthy of me? Please don't let me do it again. Don't let me love like that again....I just want to come out of my skin. I want the memory to end. I want the truth to begin inside these palms that my broken heart, wounded spirit, and red eyes lie in...I want to feel genuinely whole again...I apologize to the one meant for me because these tired feet and battered peace are no longer trusting...for trust leads to "sorry"'s without reconciliation, "I love you"'s that I can't rest my body in, lies, lies, lies that destroy and forced pro-creation...I don't want to hate, and what other choice can I make? To make this all make sense...make him past tense and no longer a part of my present...I commit to goodbye with new levels of despise...I wish I felt loved enough to forgive, and he won't allow that wish to live...it dies and falls to the ground like empty words spoken to disguise the contempt in a selfish mans eyes...I......am......begging......you...Please don't let me do it again. Don't let me love like that again...I just want to come out of my skin. I want the memory to end. I want the truth to begin inside these palms that my broken heart, my wounded spirit, and my red eyes lie in...I want to feel genuinely whole again...'

I don't want to feel this anymore or ever again. I want to trust again...I want a man who will treasure me...I want a king who will always put me and our family first...I want a man who will rush peace into me by just touching my shoulders...I want to dive into his chocolate arms with my eyes closed and know I'll be caught...I want to be his perfect reality...I want his intentions to be honorable...I want to be able to pour cocoa kisses onto his forehead while he sweeps me up in his comfort...I want to blow sugary goodness into his ear while he massages away my worries...I want to carry his seeds in my womb, on my back, in my dreams, in my reality...I want to build an Afrikan tribe with him...I want to two-step in our family room with him...I want to be his eternity and fill it with honey and kugs...I want to speak to him in our own secret language...I want to wipe away his pains and replace it with delicate pleasure that rebuilds and nurtures...I want to give him me without limits and without reservation...I want to trace my name in his back while he traces his name on my legs...I want to listen to him...I want to hear his voice at my neck...I want to hear his voice in the morning...I want my King...and I want to treat him as such because he treats me like his Queen...I want to get to that place and never go back...I want to REALLY be ready to fly towards the cosmos with my magnificent man and have people create Afrikan fairy tales about our love...but the tales will pale in comparison to the love we share...the love we are...

I want to be ready and I acknowledge that there are very real parts of me that are still very bruised and I want to be healed...I want to be ready for him and KNOW that he's coming...

Feel free to share...shoot, I need as much insight as possible! LOL!

Kisses, hugs, kugs...


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At 8:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous had said was, uh...

This is a moving piece. I too have gone through some crisis moments as well, but nothing like this. This reminds me of a story I wrote regarding an abuser, from an abused woman's point of view. I'm speechless actually; however, this is understandable. Your father, from what you've written here was not a good person; however, somehow, by being positive, you have overcame your heartbreaks and tragedies and became a powerful, beautiful woman that you are now. Funny, well, not really, but by just looking at you I would not have noticed all this happened to you.

But, those words I told you earlier. Those compliments were true. I kind of just want to hug you tight so you'll know you're not alone in the world. I can relate about being alone in the world, so if you're in need of positive reinforcement, you can turn to me.


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