Overrated
Knew Lessons...
I've learned
1. People will lie about any and everything if it means that they may be able to keep the truth from breaking down their facade...despicable...
2. Tears and requests for forgiveness in private are not as important to some as what is said and done in public...
3. Just because you ask for something, it doesn't mean that you'll get it
4. Early violence should be minded and not excused
5. Fear is not an excuse for violence
6. Ancestors teach all the time and always listening is imperative
7. People love me and people would die and have died for me...
8. Kicking and pushing is the only way to break down some walls
9. Expecting truth is too much to expect from some people
10. My brother knew what happened to me before he went to the other side and he is protecting me now as he couldn't then
11. Crazy is as crazy does
12. Friends are relentless in their love of you
13. Foes are relentless in their comtempt of you
14. Some people grow...some people don't
15. I still despise liars and cowards
16. I still adore truth, honesty, and humility
17. Two-steppin is still fun
18. Random high kicking feels the same as running through the rain as a child to me...carefree
19. Musicians are interesting
20. Actors aren't always self-proclaimed
21. Truth doesn't depend on who believes you...truth just is...truth
22. Manipulation is a dangerous thing
23. Moving was the right thing to do
24. I regret being deceived
25. I love home and home loves me
26. My brother loved me dearly...my brother
27. Between Me, You and Liberation is love
28. Black love is home...I am home
29. Hoping and wishing are okay
30. Smiles are contagious
31. Children make me happy
32. Kisses, hugs, and kugs are priceless
33. Intrepid is a great word
34. So many things to say and do...so little time
35. I sure do know how to pick 'em! lol! At least, that's what Mr. Black thinks...
36. I can say things through dance that I cannot put into words...and I do
37. Peace is within my reach
38. People lie about their feelings allllllll the time
39....to be continued after I get back from dancing at the studio...
Kisses, hugs, kugs to all my lovely loves...
Ayana (aka Magic Love Goddess, Dancing Love Angel, Monet, Babygirl, Angel, Orange Blossom, Precious, Love, Queen, Star, Beautiful)
Tell me more...
Gemini Horoscope for week of August 17, 2006
In her song "Deeper Well," Emmylou Harris says she's "looking for the water from a deeper well." Make that your assignment, Gemini. And if you're feeling brave, extend your search to an even more challenging quest: what Harris refers to as searching for a "holier grail." According to my reading of the omens, your biggest, brightest dream isn't as big and bright as it could be. Raise your standards.
My brother's Earthday...yesterday
Yesterday, I danced my heart out for my brother for the fourth time...it was his birthday...he would have been 38 years old...
1st time: Last July...the EXCEL program
2nd time: This July...his funeral
3rd time: This July...the EXCEL program
4th time: Yesterday...his memorial service
It took a lot and I'm trying to get right about a lot of stuff surrounding his illness, his last few years, his last few months, his love for me,the pain he had to endure, his smile that I rarely saw towards the end, his pride, his messages, his presence in my dreams and in my home, his position as my mama's other half, how he felt about me being violated (I just found out that my mama told him because he could feel that something happened to me), his strength, my selfishness, how much I miss him, his excessive smacking at the dinner table, the way he could win any and every battle of wits, his wisdom and knowledge, how much smarter than I he was, how happy he was before I was born, how BIG my big brother was to me...in all senses of the word...I've always just been trying to keep up, how cold he felt when I touched his face at the viewing, how he seemed to smile when we saw his face to identify his body, how I feel him here with me...protecting me like he wanted to but couldn't because his 5'10 120-something lbs. frame wouldn't allow him to, how him working to get better by July 30th this year so that I wouldn't see him in the condition he was in when I came home for the celebration may have led to his heart stopping on July 3rd, my anger...it may take a long time for the Creator and I to be square again..I want my big brother and s/he took him before I was ready...he said he was tired and I would have fought his battle for him...I love him...I'm just starting to start dealing with this and it's gonna take a while to get right with this...it's been 6 long years of pain that I watched my big brother endure...he fought to stay here towards the end for my mama and I...I wish his body wasn't so tired...I wish I could have carried that load for him...I wish he had more time...he was too good for this world...I wish that he would have been better equipped to fend off the evils of this life so that he would have been protected by the insincerity of man...I wish I could have helped him...I wish his body, his voice, his laughter, his embrace was here for me to touch again...
Friends in this time of need:
Friend #1 - "Let me know if you need anything" and then they disappear..no phone calls...no visible sympathy
Friend #2 - "Let me know if you need anything" and they show up with the expectation that if I need them on "that level", I'll tell them...unfortunately, my needs don't always get met in our friendship because it's just not my style to let others know that I'm in need...
Friend #3 - "Do you need anything?" after I've told them that I haven't been eating, sleeping, crying, feeling...I just wander aimlessly. My thoughts when that situation occurs are, "What does it look/sound like to you? If you lost one of your closest family members and you haven't been eating, sleeping, crying, feeling and just wandering around aimlessly, I'd think you needed my help and I'd be force feeding you healthy foods, enforcing a bed time, letting you know that it's safe to cry, and urging you feel your feelings..genuinely....geeez!"... and still they hit me with another form of befriending from afar..."Let me know if you need anything"
Friend #4 - "Girl, let me tell you about my issues...." and they never ask you how you are doing...
Friend #5 - "I'm gonna make sure you're alright, baby girl" and calls almost everyday to see if I need anything, to shoot the s@#$, give laughter, to share sisterhood...like I've known it in the past
Friend #6 - "Let's go get you some peace! By any means necessary!" and they come through to sit, to listen to me, to help me get my home in order so that my mind and my heart can have a proper place to heal, they ask me how I'm doing, they hear the hard to hear truth about my brother, his condition, my pain, my anger, my confusion...my truth...
I've learned that people are just different...they give what they give and sometimes that's little to nothing at all...and sometimes it's more than I ever expected...
I spoke with a good friend of mine...she told me that I should take the positive out of all of my relationships and move forward. People are really going to show me who they are during this time and it may be time to shut a few doors AND that's okay...their season is over and there is some positive that I have received from them...take it and go...go to where I can find peace and don't look back... Thank you, Kiana...Sharp Sisterhood...This will take courage AND I will walk that suggested path...
This is going to take me a long time...if people only knew how hard I love and how much pain I saw that magnificent being endure...he was/is an angel trampled by the foul intent of those not worthy of his goodness and I am on the path to avenging my brother, his memory, my mama, and myself...they are the only lovely's that know the love that I know and its richness in my being because they themselves possess it...I feel like flying away though, but my wings are broken...they're stuck to the ground where blood stained pain floats in front of my eyes and ties me to the ugly in this world...I want to get away and I can't...I have nowhere to go that's safe anymore...who knows me like he does? Who knows me like my mama does? Who knows me enough to know that I am in serious need? Who knows me well enough to know that I want to rejoice in the fact that he is in no more pain? Who knows that right now I just can't? So many things going on in this head and heart of mine...
Others: How are you?
Me: I'm here and that's best I can do right now
I wanna be more than just here...I'm working on it and it's hard to do when the support system I thought I had around me (with a few exceptions) just isn't...not like I need them to be. I think following Kiana's words and making them my actions will assist me though...I'm gonna try this thing out...and I'm gonna push through this and fight...'Cause that's what we do, right, brother? That's what we do...
