Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Stepping Back

Many things on my mind and not a lot of time to share. Wow...just lots to share and I kinda don't know where to start. I'll try to keep this short...

I've been attempting to identify this heavy feeling I've had for the past couple of months. I realized how bad it was when I went home to visit my parents and as soon as I saw my mama, I broke down into tears. She just asked me if I was okay, and, of course, I said "Yes." I meant it...kinda. I was okay because I was there with her and I didn't feel that feeling at that moment. The feeling always leaves when I'm with my mama, but when I leave...when I leave, it comes back with a vengeance.

I was told by one of the few people I trust in this world to be honest with me that I need to get new friends. Shocking, I know. LOL. I have a few problems with that suggestion...to say the least. LOL. This is how I see it...I can have a relationship with the people in my life and approach the interactions from a place where I'm being less like myself and that will allow me to protect myself and to not get injured, but there is a flip side to that. I have one worry when considering this as a course of action...I am worried that I will not be able to or not have enough courage to come back to myself when I find friendships and other relationships that not only feel safe, but are truly safe for me. This is a significant concern for me because I adore the person I am when I am true to myself. I like giving and being completely there for people who I consider to be my real friends...unfortunately, life just doesn't allow me to do that and still be protected or for it to be reciprocated. So, that's a decision I've been grappling with.

That issue plays a significant role in the other heavy feeling I've recently come to terms with. That other feeling is loneliness. I've finally identified and acknowledged the fact that I'm lonely. Wow...that was even difficult for me to type! It's true...I am lonely. I've been lonely for a while now. Over a year...yeah, a long time. Loneliness is a peculiar feeling. It covers everything with gray, defeat, and longing. I have even begun to wonder if this is it...if I will always be in this space...alone and lonely. Although there are many people in my life, I still feel lonely. It's a very odd phenomenon. An extremely peculiar condition. An utterly uncomfortable position...to be surrounded by people and to still feel like you're alone. I don't really know how to move forward and away from this place...I think the battle I am having between being my genuine self with people or not and feeling lonely are joined at the hip and my hip is broken and the break is making its way up to my heart and my spirit. It just feels very vicious...it feels unkind and dirty.

So, yeah, just a few things that have been on my mind for a while. I guess it's the darker side of me lately...hopefully, it all will work itself out and all will improve and be made clear for me. I'm taking suggestions and words of wisdom, so, by all means, feel free to share with me!

Looking for light,
Ayana

2 Comments:

At 7:05 PM, Blogger Craigjc had said was, uh...

Light is there, baby, upward.

Just showing love.
come visit sometime.

http://popwife.blogspot.com/

 
At 9:40 PM, Anonymous Your Mom had said was, uh...

Baby Girl, As I often tell you never allow anyone or anything to take your joy or your light. You are magnificent and adored by your lovely loves. When you enter a room the radiance that emanates from your beautiful spirit touches everyone around you and brightens up even the darkest corners of your surroundings. Because your light shines so bright, those whose souls are dark and whose spirit is burdened will attempt to drain your light and your spirit. They won't be successful, however, because the Creator has blessed and will continue to bless you with a radiance that no one can extinguish. Loneliness is something we all deal with at one time or another. Just remember this too will pass. You are divine in every way and never compromise the essence of who you are. If you must remove yourself from those who seek to drain your energy or harm your spirit, then so be it. Be true to yourself and the Creators blessings when come when you are ready to receive them. As I've said many times before, you are everything a mother could wish a daughter to me. I love you from the depths of my being and feel priviledged to be your mother.

Shine on Baby Girl, shine on. The world, my world and the world of those who truly love you is a better place because you exist.

 

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