Breathe - My Brother
I haven't been able to write for a while...I've really needed to though. It's been so long that now I don't even know where to start. I told my homegirl that today and she suggested that I start at the end and then work my way back. I'm going to try that...and because it's so much, I think I'm gonna have to do it in installments because I don't know if I can take unloading it all at the same time...So, the past month has been interesting. Lots of things were going on around me and inside of me. So, I think I'll just start on April 20th...
April 20th is the anniversary of the day my brother had brain surgery after his stroke...the year he died. I woke up with a migraine that day. I planned on going to the bookstore to write, to blog, to release some of the things on my heart...I didn't. Other things came up and once I got a moment to myself, I was in too much pain to do anything other than sleep. At that moment, I really needed to write about how much I miss my brother and how I wish he was here and how I wish I could accept his transition. I remember having to explain to someone the fact that when my brother was buried, he had to be buried with part of his skull missing. He died before they could replace his skull, so the last time I saw him.............I can't even talk about it with my fingers....with myself...I can't see the screen through tears and I'm not ready to be that weak and to do it alone. So, I don't talk about it. Folks lose people suddenly, I've lost people suddenly...it's a little different to watch someone die for 6 years and never talk to anyone about it. It's different...
You know, God-forbid something happens to my Mama....your siblings are supposed to be there to hold your hand when you have to walk up the stairs to say goodbye to your parents...I'll be walking up the stairs alone. I don't have anyone to hold my hand. When she goes, if she goes before me...I'll be alone. I feel angry and sad that he's gone and I have to do it alone. I have to go at this by myself and it's just not fair. Folks say I'm strong enough to do it, AND F#&@ that! I don't know if I am and I don't want to and I shouldn't have to. I miss my brother and this life is NOT the same without him. Also, while I was losing him and after I lost him, people treated me really badly...people who were close to me completely disregarded what I was going through and I had no one to talk to and that ish pisses me off too. While I was getting calls every other week about my brother having to go to dialysis or to the hospice, learning about his growing addictions that were ignited because he couldn't stand the pain he was in and me having to go home and see my brother sitting in pools of blood with catheters in his neck, his legs and feet so swollen that they wouldn't fit in his damn shoes, unable to walk at age 37, defeated, abused, laughed at by hospital workers and called step-n-fetchit, called a F#&@ing coon name because of his ailments!, and without his future that was once glowing and bright....during that...people mistreated me horribly. This ish is jacked up and I feel some kind away about it. Yeah, I smile and laugh for everyone else to feel comfortable, but the truth is, I'm dealing with a heavy load and this is only a part of it...I've been doing this ish solo for a while and I don't think it's fair for me to have to. I want to be able to move through this, but I'm not sure where to start...I hope that a path will be made or suggested for me because the sadness and the anger is suffocating...
So, I'm breathing...I breathe deeply to keep from crying and stopping. I'll keep breathing...just breathe...
Labels: brother, Healing, loss
posted by The Funky Fly Fresh Goddess @ 5/15/2009 02:15:00 PM
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