Thursday, January 17, 2008

Make it Through

"She said that she would prefer a broken neck over a broken heart...
Shed my last tear
Couldn't cry if I wanted to
Took my last breath
Couldn't breathe if you asked me to
Shed my last tear
Couldn't cry if I wanted to
Took my last breath
Couldn't breathe if you asked me to...
I'm trying to make it through
Just trying to make it through...
" ~~~ Amir Sulaiman


The professor that told me to write everyday died last week. His death is a huge loss for the world...he was extraordinarily insightful, intelligent, and personable (outside of a classroom setting...I remember he saw me in the hall one day and gave me his iPod to listen to his favorite Tori Amos song. He just wanted to share something that he loved...) I'm sad, it's heavy...

A sistah of mine lost her father and brother on the same day from an act of violence. All of us, her sisterfriends, were with her at the time it happened. I spent only a few hours with her the day after it happened and I saw her floating...seemingly blinded, blinking, and hurting. I hugged her long, hard, and genuine. I so wanted to take the pain from her...she was amazing and human...I'm empathetic, it's heavy...

There's this brotha...he is sooooo nice and sweet to me. He is patient and kind...I like him, but he's not for me. We don't have much in common other than we enjoy each others company. He'd do anything for me and truly treats me like a queen in anyway he can...an upright brotha. I like that he's admittedly flawed AND has good intentions (we have this in common), which is more than I can say for any other brotha I've dealt with...his intentions are good. He seems okay with my strength and he exercises his strength without physically harming me...my ex and my college boyfriend chose to harm me physically in various manners (hitting, choking, etc.) for various reasons (they cheated, I wanted to leave them, they couldn't over-power me in any other way, I didn't answer my phone for two days, etc.) This brotha is more Kingly...It would be nice if he were for me. At least I'd have a man in my life that treats me very well...he's not though...I'm tired, it's heavy...

I went to Virginia for the first time since I buried my brother a year and a half ago. I couldn't bring myself to go to the graveyard. I'm not accepting it, it's heavy...

This is the darker part of my new year. Some of it is sad, some of it is trying, some of it is unnecessary, some of it means little to nothing to me under my orange sky, some of it is just truly unbearable. There has been some light this year and that will be shared soon. I am a true believer in balance, so I'll get on that part as soon as possible. *sigh* This song by Amir Sulaiman helped me get through a really hard time in my life (around September 2005 - January 2006) and it helps now because from time to time I feel like I'm just trying to make it through. He reminds me that although times can be rough, I should remember that, "even the beauty of birth leaves its own scars and know that you will find your home right where you are..." *sigh* I'm committed to staying in the light and spreading juicy goodness to all my lovely loves...Let's blow this pain out the water and usher in comfort and perseverance....love...

Kisses, hugs, kugs...

In the light,
Ayana

1 Comments:

At 5:12 PM, Anonymous Clarissa had said was, uh...

Good for people to know.

 

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