He crawled up the stairs...
Today is Black Family Holiday for me, Christmas for most, and I had to witness something very sad...That's been the norm for the past 6 years and this year has brought the same sadness...I watched my young and once agile older brother crawl up the stairs. His thin legs can no longer withstand the weight of his 37 year young frame. The marrow in his bones is now hard and every movement he makes makes pain rush into his space. When I was younger, I used to be so angry at him for sitting around while my tired mama waited on him hand and foot. She fixed his plates, bought and washed his clothes, cleaned his quarters, purchased his cars, hurt for him when pride kept him from hurting aloud, all the while enduring his unappreciative remarks and false accusations that were created to make her feel the pain that surfaced in his chest whenever he thought about the father who failed him and his poor judgment that ruined him. A transfer of energy that I witnessed for years. Now, when she fixes his plates, buys and washes his clothes, cleans his quarters, purchases his cars, hurts for him when physical and mental pain forces him to hurt aloud...I just sit quietly and long for those days when my brother could lift me with his laughter, fly me above his head like superwoman and then stand to his feet with his position as "My Big Brother" filling the room and walk up the stairs towards possibilities and promise. I'm quiet now. I ask what I can do for him now. I ask my mama what foods he can eat to keep him with us longer just in case she has to go home. I act like I don't see his swollen feet, legs, and hands. I smell the sadness every time I am home. I am home and there is sadness in my heart on Black Family Holiday. The gift I would give to him is hindsight in the present 10 years ago. That way, my brother could walk beside me when I walk to hug my mama. My brother could look at me and tell me that not only is he thankful to be breathing, but he is happy. My brother could fly me above his head with his feet and hands like I was superwoman, toss me against a wall, hug me with warmth and not pain, make his own plate, clean his own quarters...just be my Big Brother and not...what he has become..."My head is filled with dreams of my handsome king and my days are spent by his side-singing songs of love...I help my mother care for my brother..." and fear the day when I must become my Masai mother...She is not strong...she is strength. She's the mother of the community. She carries a heavy load...like my Norma Jean (My MawMaw)...she cares for everyone, their children, her children, her sisters, her brothers...so, I was put here by her mama to care for her...I am Tiny's gift to her and she and my brother are the Creator's gift to me...So, I thank HER for the made plates, bought and washed clothes, silences, sight, and all...sight...I saw...I heard, I watched, I cried as I saw my big brother crawl up the stairs while his pride suffocated his voice and kept him from crying out from hurt...aloud...as he crawled up the stairs...
The O'jays
My new theme song...folks have been sleeping on the O'jays way too long!!! Coupe de Ville Theory knows the truth! (smile) So, yes, back to the point...my new theme song...I can dance to it and feel like it's running through my veins...oooohhh...goodness! Drum roll please!
(Drum roll...gosh I wish I had a drummer...lol!)
Darlin' Darlin' Baby (Sweet Tender Love)
By The O'jays
I'll be the oldest 20-something year old to ever exist...I'm okay with that...that means I'm advanced...Shoot! I been here before, playa! (smile)
Sending light and love,
The Dancing Love Angel...
Grappling
I've been doing some thinking. I've been thinking about forgiveness. Should one offer forgiveness to those who don't ask for it? Should one offer forgiveness to those who don't own their wrongdoing? Should one offer forgiveness to those who don't show that they even care about being forgiven? Should one offer forgiveness to those who don't even show that they care about you? Should one offer forgiveness to those who don't tell you they love you as many times as you need to hear it? Should one offer forgiveness to those who don't even think of you? Should one offer forgiveness to those who don't even know that they have hurt you? Should one offer forgiveness to those who don't want forgiveness? I think that I'll continue thinking about it. I was thinking about bringing more forgiveness into my life for the new year. I don't know...dislike and disgust takes up too much room. I guess I'll just have to see though...I need to answer these questions first before I can decide if that's something I want to do for the new year. I want brand new journeys that smell of my past year experiences...I had a long, challenging, whirlwind year. Lots of mistakes, lots of growth, lots of risks, lots of successes, lots of failures, lots of laughs, lots of smiles...(sigh)...2005 will be over soon...I look forward to it. I look forward to a new year with a new/old me...the magic love goddess...the dancing love angel...baby girl...yanamo...precious...monet...queen...love...star...me
So, I may be back here soon...I may not. I've also been thinking about saying "see ya later" to the internet for a while...I think that if people really want to reach out to me, they can call because if they got the email address they definitely have my number and folks who have the email address don't always use it anyway. They usually call before they email...hmmm...I'm rambling...the reason for the likely hiatus is that the internet has served as more of a troublemaker than a peacemaker this past year, so I think I might have to jet. I'll let ya know...Someone told me this the other day, " Yana, you don't know this but ever since I met you, I've always told people ,'If you ever wanted to know what a Queen looks like, smells like, acts like, lives like, loves like...it's this woman.'" My homeboi told me this on one of my lower days at a lower moment. Someone else told me that he loved me. My homegirl told me that I'm amazing. Another homegirl told me that when I walk in, I fill up the room...All of these wonderfully kind words have been received and have penetrated...I never knew that people saw me like this...I knew I was loved, but not like that...I could only type a little of what I've been told lately and all of it has been helpful and necessary...thanks to those in my corner...you rock...and I like rocks! I've been rambling again. That's how I've been lately...just trying to get some things straight...My higher self is banging at my door and I'm thinking that I might need to let her in...I'll just have to see what the new year brings...(sigh)
Please don't let me...
I wrote this through tears as I mourned a lost love...It is my plea to the Creator...
Please don't let me do it again. Don't let me love like this again...I just want to come out of my skin. I want the memory to end. I want the truth to begin inside these palms that my broken heart, wounded spirit, and red eyes lie in..I want to feel genuinely whole again...I hate the stench of mistakes and foul play...I want lemon scented new to wash over my heart and make it hard again...I want to disappear again...cut off my hands for reaching for him...burn my skin with hate for ever allowing it to touch his skin...remove my brain for thinking of him...Where is the one for me? Where is my king? When will I meet the man worthy of me? Please don't let me do it again. Don't let me love like that again....I just want to come out of my skin. I want the memory to end. I want the truth to begin inside these palms that my broken heart, wounded spirit, and red eyes lie in...I want to feel genuinely whole again...I apologize to the one meant for me because these tired feet and battered peace are no longer trusting...for trust leads to "sorry"'s without reconciliation, "I love you"'s that I can't rest my body in, lies, lies, lies that destroy and forced pro-creation...I don't want to hate, and what other choice can I make? To make this all make sense...make him past tense and no longer a part of my present...I commit to goodbye with new levels of despise...I wish I felt loved enough to forgive, and he won't allow that wish to live...it dies and falls to the ground like empty words spoken to disguise the contempt in a selfish mans eyes...I......am......begging......you...Please don't let me do it again. Don't let me love like that again...I just want to come out of my skin. I want the memory to end. I want the truth to begin inside these palms that my broken heart, my wounded spirit, and my red eyes lie in..I want to feel genuinely whole again...
I'm so Famous...
I'm so famous...
I made you drop it out on the one
I'm so famous...
everybody needs a little light under the sun
And I'm so famous...
15 minutes will never hold me in
And I'm so famous...
I'll never die I'll just be born again and again and again and again and again and again and again...
I'm so famous...
Way bigger than sex, or drugs, or rock and roll
I'm so famous...
I took any half you had and made it whole
I'm so famous...
I can make a deaf man hear a symphony in his head
I'm so famous...
Put the motion in your ocean when you're sailing in your bed
I...
Even if you didn't know my name
Like sugar on a candy cane
It's a memory you can't forget
The very first time you met me...
I'm so famous...
I made you drop it out on the one
I'm so famous...
everybody needs a little light under the sun
And I'm so famous...
15 minutes will never hold me in
And I'm so famous...
I'll never die I'll just be born again and again and again and again and again and again and again...
I'm so famous...
Took the place of your daddy when he left you and your mama alone
I'm so famous...
Made the sound of the scratch on your record player feel like home
I'm so famous...
Put the rhythm and the shakin' in your old ass washing machine
I'm so famous...
Put the pencil to the paper of a microphone fiend
I...
Even if you didn't know my name
Like sugar on a candy cane
It's a memory you can't forget
The very first time you met me...
I'm so famous...
I made you drop it out on the one
I'm so famous...
everybody needs a little light under the sun
And I'm so famous...
15 minutes will never hold me in
And I'm so famous...
I'll never die I'll just be born again and again and again and again and again and again and again...
Thank you
Joi
Words...they rarely fail me...
This song has become somewhat of a theme song for me whenever I think of the magnificence that is Queendom...All my thoughts about my sisterfriends, the baby girls in my life, my mama, my grandmama, myself...just all of the strong, beautiful, powerful, vulnerable, inspiring, amazing, delicate, sensual, intelligent, creative, determined, warrior Afrikan women in my life...my thoughts of them make this song dance in my head...Wearing these many, many, many hats by themselves...and wearing them well...fierce...
I wonder...are there any Kings/Queens out there that can hang? I mean, can we be all of this and then some and still have balance? A counterpart that truly believes that our Queendom isn't a threat, but an asset? Another half to form a powerful Afrikan union? I believe our community needs that...What happened to Our strong Afrikan families (in general of course)? I want to create one and again I wonder...are there any Kings/Queens out there that can hang? I'm sending support, energy, light, and love to all the Queens in my life (past and present)...I aspire to re-create love in your name and the name of the Creator...You have my word...
You move me...
Love always,
The Dancing Love Angel aka The Magic Love Goddess
"Is this going to be ugly?"
I'm working on not taking people's comments personally. People just say whatever...Bulls in China shops...So, if you want things to be ugly, I will reluctantly oblige. If you want to approach me and this with love, from your heart, and respectfully...it will be beautiful...I PROMISE...I've gotten very familiar with my higher self this year and I'm ready to take on any situation with her leading the way...So, let's just see how it goes...to be continued...
