Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Grappling



I've been doing some thinking. I've been thinking about forgiveness. Should one offer forgiveness to those who don't ask for it? Should one offer forgiveness to those who don't own their wrongdoing? Should one offer forgiveness to those who don't show that they even care about being forgiven? Should one offer forgiveness to those who don't even show that they care about you? Should one offer forgiveness to those who don't tell you they love you as many times as you need to hear it? Should one offer forgiveness to those who don't even think of you? Should one offer forgiveness to those who don't even know that they have hurt you? Should one offer forgiveness to those who don't want forgiveness? I think that I'll continue thinking about it. I was thinking about bringing more forgiveness into my life for the new year. I don't know...dislike and disgust takes up too much room. I guess I'll just have to see though...I need to answer these questions first before I can decide if that's something I want to do for the new year. I want brand new journeys that smell of my past year experiences...I had a long, challenging, whirlwind year. Lots of mistakes, lots of growth, lots of risks, lots of successes, lots of failures, lots of laughs, lots of smiles...(sigh)...2005 will be over soon...I look forward to it. I look forward to a new year with a new/old me...the magic love goddess...the dancing love angel...baby girl...yanamo...precious...monet...queen...love...star...me

So, I may be back here soon...I may not. I've also been thinking about saying "see ya later" to the internet for a while...I think that if people really want to reach out to me, they can call because if they got the email address they definitely have my number and folks who have the email address don't always use it anyway. They usually call before they email...hmmm...I'm rambling...the reason for the likely hiatus is that the internet has served as more of a troublemaker than a peacemaker this past year, so I think I might have to jet. I'll let ya know...Someone told me this the other day, " Yana, you don't know this but ever since I met you, I've always told people ,'If you ever wanted to know what a Queen looks like, smells like, acts like, lives like, loves like...it's this woman.'" My homeboi told me this on one of my lower days at a lower moment. Someone else told me that he loved me. My homegirl told me that I'm amazing. Another homegirl told me that when I walk in, I fill up the room...All of these wonderfully kind words have been received and have penetrated...I never knew that people saw me like this...I knew I was loved, but not like that...I could only type a little of what I've been told lately and all of it has been helpful and necessary...thanks to those in my corner...you rock...and I like rocks! I've been rambling again. That's how I've been lately...just trying to get some things straight...My higher self is banging at my door and I'm thinking that I might need to let her in...I'll just have to see what the new year brings...(sigh)

1 Comments:

At 9:52 AM, Blogger AnanaJohari had said was, uh...

Yana,

I understand your plight, been there and I STILL need to forgive people.

Forgiveness is YOUR gift not thiers.

My ego is the one who wants me to hold onto being mad and not forgive. My ego keeps telling me I'm the only one who has been hurt by a situation and somehow Im going to FORGET and get hurt againg if I choose to forgive. Forgiveness doesnt mean you will forget how to protect yourself again.

You are rehurting yourself everyday though each time you dont forgive cause everytime you see that person you relive WHY you dont forgive them.

Its hard but I tell you applying grace into you own heart and beleive you can protect yourself is one ay to begin.

I love you sweety and if you believe you will feel better when you forgive you will. If you dont think you will feel better then you wont.

I know we are not machines. Some forgiveness rituals are needed ON THE REGULAR for me but I know for the new year and at difficult times whether its forgiving myself or orther who know or don;t know or dont care if they have hurt me.. i KNOW it feels better to forgive. So on new years eve if you wanna get togther and doa forgiveness ritual let me know. have things I need to let go of too.

You are definitely not alone. I like your blogs. i keep forgetting my dog on username and password. I think this is a brave thing you do. the ones who dont reply may be busy, dont know how or are not prepared to deal with their own feelings as bravely as you do. this is very important and I applaud your courage.

One day at a time for some things oneday at ta time ;)

Love You Love You. Enjoy your Queen walk the rough times and the great times cause your strut has never waivered even though it feels like it. Forgiveness NOT FORGETING is in the walk of a queen cause the more you choose to not forgive the more your Queen walk becomes the walk of a "bag lady".

Step light queen Yana it helps with your jumps :)

Love you again,
Anana
aka typo queen. i refuse to edit :)

 

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