Sunday, November 06, 2005


This is today...I'm in Philadelphia and it's new. It's refreshing and it was right on time for me to make this journey. I spoke to my mama today. I talked to myself today...Conversations...I danced this weekend like my heart depended on it. Dancing was the only real support available to me (other than my mama) that supported me without requiring me to give first. It felt good. I wonder what it feels like to have a person love you so much (with all of your pluses and minuses) that they want to be there for and with you just because...and that "just because" is genuine, steady, and permanent. You know, they give you strokes when you're down and out, instead of kicks (silence, more negativity, or negligence). I wonder...I don't even know if that can exist all the time in any relationship, but I think it can most of the time. Call me a dreamer...Hmmm, to tell me "You are an amazing person" and the proof of their honesty always lies in their actions. I bet that feels like having a rainbow reside in your heart. I want a hug right now. I want a kiss right now. I want someone to stroke my hair and tell me that I'll be alright and to really mean it. I want to not make the same mistakes again. I want to be more careful. I want to watch what I say more often. I want to feel appreciated. I want to be understood. I want to play Ms. Pac Man while listening to Talib Kweli and know that it's just for fun. I hear lauryn hill right now, " We give rise to ego, by being insecure...too engaged in denial to admit we're up your eyes Mr. Intentional..." I wonder if this truth is present in my life. Do I know people like this? Have I identified them? Should I make myself unavailable to them? That person just sounds toxic. "Stop blaming other people cause it's nobody else's fault...Accept the truth about you, know that life goes on without you...disguising your intentions....don't worship my hurt feelings, Mr. Intentional...The only wealth I have to give is not material, and if you need much more than that, I'm not available..." These words really resonate with me...I overstand...I need to be available to myself now and tell truths about the good in me and tell truths about the danger in this world...I want to paint orange in my life and put myself first now. I haven't done that for what feels like months..."You say love and then abuse me...I see past your disguises...but I get out...psychological locks" Lauryn helped me find some clarity...I think music can equal healing sometimes...I love myself deeply...The sun is shining here...there is a breeze that seems to honestly promise me...These songs of freedom...redemption song


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