My brother's Earthday...yesterday
Yesterday, I danced my heart out for my brother for the fourth time...it was his birthday...he would have been 38 years old...1st time: Last July...the EXCEL program
2nd time: This July...his funeral
3rd time: This July...the EXCEL program
4th time: Yesterday...his memorial service
It took a lot and I'm trying to get right about a lot of stuff surrounding his illness, his last few years, his last few months, his love for me,the pain he had to endure, his smile that I rarely saw towards the end, his pride, his messages, his presence in my dreams and in my home, his position as my mama's other half, how he felt about me being violated (I just found out that my mama told him because he could feel that something happened to me), his strength, my selfishness, how much I miss him, his excessive smacking at the dinner table, the way he could win any and every battle of wits, his wisdom and knowledge, how much smarter than I he was, how happy he was before I was born, how BIG my big brother was to me...in all senses of the word...I've always just been trying to keep up, how cold he felt when I touched his face at the viewing, how he seemed to smile when we saw his face to identify his body, how I feel him here with me...protecting me like he wanted to but couldn't because his 5'10 120-something lbs. frame wouldn't allow him to, how him working to get better by July 30th this year so that I wouldn't see him in the condition he was in when I came home for the celebration may have led to his heart stopping on July 3rd, my anger...it may take a long time for the Creator and I to be square again..I want my big brother and s/he took him before I was ready...he said he was tired and I would have fought his battle for him...I love him...I'm just starting to start dealing with this and it's gonna take a while to get right with this...it's been 6 long years of pain that I watched my big brother endure...he fought to stay here towards the end for my mama and I...I wish his body wasn't so tired...I wish I could have carried that load for him...I wish he had more time...he was too good for this world...I wish that he would have been better equipped to fend off the evils of this life so that he would have been protected by the insincerity of man...I wish I could have helped him...I wish his body, his voice, his laughter, his embrace was here for me to touch again...
Friends in this time of need:
Friend #1 - "Let me know if you need anything" and then they disappear..no phone calls...no visible sympathy
Friend #2 - "Let me know if you need anything" and they show up with the expectation that if I need them on "that level", I'll tell them...unfortunately, my needs don't always get met in our friendship because it's just not my style to let others know that I'm in need...
Friend #3 - "Do you need anything?" after I've told them that I haven't been eating, sleeping, crying, feeling...I just wander aimlessly. My thoughts when that situation occurs are, "What does it look/sound like to you? If you lost one of your closest family members and you haven't been eating, sleeping, crying, feeling and just wandering around aimlessly, I'd think you needed my help and I'd be force feeding you healthy foods, enforcing a bed time, letting you know that it's safe to cry, and urging you feel your feelings..genuinely....geeez!"... and still they hit me with another form of befriending from afar..."Let me know if you need anything"
Friend #4 - "Girl, let me tell you about my issues...." and they never ask you how you are doing...
Friend #5 - "I'm gonna make sure you're alright, baby girl" and calls almost everyday to see if I need anything, to shoot the s@#$, give laughter, to share sisterhood...like I've known it in the past
Friend #6 - "Let's go get you some peace! By any means necessary!" and they come through to sit, to listen to me, to help me get my home in order so that my mind and my heart can have a proper place to heal, they ask me how I'm doing, they hear the hard to hear truth about my brother, his condition, my pain, my anger, my confusion...my truth...
I've learned that people are just different...they give what they give and sometimes that's little to nothing at all...and sometimes it's more than I ever expected...
I spoke with a good friend of mine...she told me that I should take the positive out of all of my relationships and move forward. People are really going to show me who they are during this time and it may be time to shut a few doors AND that's okay...their season is over and there is some positive that I have received from them...take it and go...go to where I can find peace and don't look back... Thank you, Kiana...Sharp Sisterhood...This will take courage AND I will walk that suggested path...
This is going to take me a long time...if people only knew how hard I love and how much pain I saw that magnificent being endure...he was/is an angel trampled by the foul intent of those not worthy of his goodness and I am on the path to avenging my brother, his memory, my mama, and myself...they are the only lovely's that know the love that I know and its richness in my being because they themselves possess it...I feel like flying away though, but my wings are broken...they're stuck to the ground where blood stained pain floats in front of my eyes and ties me to the ugly in this world...I want to get away and I can't...I have nowhere to go that's safe anymore...who knows me like he does? Who knows me like my mama does? Who knows me enough to know that I am in serious need? Who knows me well enough to know that I want to rejoice in the fact that he is in no more pain? Who knows that right now I just can't? So many things going on in this head and heart of mine...
Others: How are you?
Me: I'm here and that's best I can do right now
I wanna be more than just here...I'm working on it and it's hard to do when the support system I thought I had around me (with a few exceptions) just isn't...not like I need them to be. I think following Kiana's words and making them my actions will assist me though...I'm gonna try this thing out...and I'm gonna push through this and fight...'Cause that's what we do, right, brother? That's what we do...
posted by The Funky Fly Fresh Goddess @ 8/02/2006 06:42:00 PM
1 Comments:
Dear Funky Fly Fresh Goddess...
I was reading your blog...dancing your heart out for your brother...that's really touching. I also dance, and I know the power of dance. I know how it's a form of communication. It's an outlet of stress and emotion, especially those emotions that are easily conveyed through physical expression. (I should explain that it's easier for me to communicate my deepest emotion through verbal expression or with the dance.) I'm rambling I know, but I feel so compelled to thank you. I could not imagine losing my brother, but recently my brother and I had a difference of opinion over something that I thought was a releatively small thing. It got blown out of proportion and we haven't been speaking. The distance and the silence cuts like a knife... Then I think about you and your brother and I remeber what Oprah always says..."is it going to matter on your dying day?" Honestly when I weigh what was said and done against that, it's true; it won't matter on my dying day. Please keep the dance and your brother in your heart; keep them right next to each other. You'll find the love of your brother will make you a more passionate dancer, and you will always be able to honor your brother through the dance. You'll have the ability to honor him in a way that mere words could not convey... And I'm going to try to look past my brother's faults (or what I feel to be faults)and I'm going to hope that he can look beyond mine. I need to keep my brother in my heart and use the dance as a tool to express my frustration and leave it right on the dance floor.(the frustration I mean) I need to dance my heart out for my brother too... Thank you for sharing your grief and your love of your brother with the world. In times of tragedy we often get lost in the heartache and preoccupied with the mundane tasks invovled with living, but good things come out of grief. Good things come out of sharing your thoughts...I don't even know you and you've shown me that I need to repair the relationship between my brother and I. Also, if you haven't read it, you may consider reading "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis. I found it to be very inciteful...
You are in my thoughts.
Thank you again, Sincerely
(sorry, I didn't mean to post this twice. I'm new to this blogging thing, but I wanted to post it on the appropriate date.)
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