Sunday, April 16, 2006

My relationship resignation letter...

Please accept this as official notice of my resignation. As you know, over the last five or so months, we have had many conflicts ranging from your violation of me to your blatant lies followed by empty tears. Although, you asked repeatedly for me to be in your life and tried to make me believe you when you said a few days ago (4/14/06) that you have not fully given up on us building together and creating a real Afrikan union, it is now clear to me that I will not be able to participate in that foul fuckery. It is important for the truth to guide me and you have yet to offer the truth to me.

We will not be able to resolve our differences because I am incapable of dealing with liars, cowards, fakers, violators, or womanizers. In order for me to create an honorable and genuine Afrikan family, I would not feel right forcing a nigga in conscious clothing onto my seeds. Although they haven't chosen to come forward yet, they are still way too precious to me for me to expose them to evil, lies, and quite frankly, to a poor excuse for a man...a male by-product. For those reasons, I feel that resigning is the best decision for me and for my future seeds.

Although, I have learned how to honor and trust my intuition while enduring your ridiculousness, I would really like to operate in a more genuine relationship than the one you are capable of offering. As you know, you stated that you wanted an amazing Afrikan-centered partner but the last few people who occupied that position left much to be desired in terms of that (the one before me and the one after me)and I am not convinced by your choices in the past five months or so that you are equipped to receive that magnificence, but you are only able to build with "run of the mill" employees. I cannot and will not be able to lower myself to those standards. We were in agreement at the beginning of our journey that I rocked and that's why you pursued me. Unfortunately, you were not and are not in a position to be comfortable with and unafraid of my rocktivity, therefore, I am no longer available to you.

Against my better judgment, I did not have you arrested for your illegal activity and now must suffer the consequences of being the good natured, compassionate, and understanding Queen that I am, who did not want to destroy your life despite the lack of love and lack of respect you showed to me in your violent actions. I understand now that it had to do with your weakness and insecurities. The only way you could overpower me was in that manner and that was why you chose to harm me in that way. Unfortunately, you never wanted an equal, you wanted an inferior. Because of my innate orange power, I am not the kind of woman you want or can handle and that is why I feel that is time to erase you from my life...by any means necessary.

Who would of thought that you could hate me so much that you would lie, violate, mislead, and behave cowardly at every turn? Ok, true...I challenged you. Complacency is deadly. Challenge does not warrant betrayal and BETRAYAL is what you have clearly committed to. I am so happy to know now that I wasn't crazy and my intuition was right all along. From the beginning to the end. Now I will trust my beloved intuition forever because had I listened to her in the first place I could have saved myself from a monster.

I let my higher self run our interaction for more than six months and she's out for lunch from now on. Check please! That's a wrap (courtesy of Divine)! We might have been able to be friends if you could have honored me just a little. You didn't and now I have to close the door on all of your empty words, deceitful tears, and malice. I don't want to think of you again. I hope to never see you again. I want you to never exist for me again. If you ever see me again, disappear. Make sure that I never see your face again. You owe me at least that. So, go away, evil doer...you don't belong in or near this love. It is divine and you have too much devil in you to be around it. I have no more interest in being what we could have been had you been half the man you claimed to be and foolishly thought you were. I have no use for you. I have no more patience for you. I have no desire to be with you. I have no use for your words. I have no use for your tears. I have no use for your secrets. I have no use for our tainted memories. If I could erase every thought of you from my mind I would...in a heart beat. I would dispose of any thought of you because you were a waste of my life...lessons learned and still a waste. I have no use for you...my heart is closed to you...it would take a miracle for me to want you again...

You continuously disguised your fear and hatred for me with niceness and false ignorance. Our exchanges mean nothing to me anymore. "Good", bad, and very ugly...nothing. Just a mistake. It was a mistake to say yes to you. It was a mistake to let you live in my home for free and offer up nothing. It was a mistake to take you to my family and let you feel what it really feels like to love and be loved in a genuine Afrikan way. It was a mistake to feel bad for hurting you with my words after you hurt me with your words and actions. It was a mistake to make plans to be with you forever. It was a mistake to believe you when you told me that you wanted me to be your Queen and mother of your seeds. It was a mistake to wipe your tears two months ago as you shivered and quivered in my arms. It was a mistake to wipe your tears and stroke your head as you cried on my floor after your father passed. It was a mistake to tell you that I loved you. It was a mistake to allow you to "tuck me in". It was a mistake to allow you in my life when you only had your own best interest in mind as you still do. It was a mistake to offer my friendship to you in all of these ways and in other ways unmentioned. You are my mistake and I'm clear about that now.

I long for a temple laced with honesty that will hold the magic potion to make my mind eternally spotless in terms of you...I've been able to achieve that before, but come February 2, 2006...here comes the devil incarnate with a plastic bag come-back. You have made it impossible for you to be real to me any longer because "real" is foreign to you, Dr. Jeckyll...or is it Mr. Hyde?

Not only do I want to clear you out of my life forever, I want you to be clear that I don't want to be with, near, around, involved, or associated with you. As I told you months ago, I no longer exist for you. I don't want to know you. I don't want to see you. I don't want to breathe the same air you breathe. You are poison. And I want to live a good life with nothing but genuine, loving, affectionate, worthy vessels surrounding me. I release you. As I said before, you don't see me and so it will never happen again. You don't know me and so it will never happen again. This orange souled love goddess was/is serious about coloring her life with love and you are not love. I am love and you are hate...everything you've done and said to me displays that and now that is all clear to me. May your arrogance, insecurities, and foul intent suffocate you and bring you back better than you are...with a soul or at least with humility.

I will continue to pray for your liberation from the lie that you call your life. I pray that you will come clean with yourself and those around you about who you are and what you have become. I hope that my higher self will forgive me this brief lapse of honesty without compassion. I hope to be forgiven...She knows what you did and I'm sure she understands my position and would even offer more allowances on my behalf. I am here to give love and to expose evil at every opportunity and if that doesn't sit well with you...who gives a damn?! I rock and you don't, so bite me! It doesn't matter because you no longer rent any space in my heart...it's open to real Afrikan love and nothing less. Unlike you, I'm not driven by fear, insecurities, or lies and I stomp through my life with lovely intent and truth. I fly above this world watching folks like you talk the talk that they are incapable of walking. Magic Love God-Is is my way, so I hope and pray that the Creator forgives you your trespasses against one of her angels. I hope you cease being a living memorial to this European way of dealing with the heart of a Queen...and if you don't, then good luck with the "run of the mill" girls you adore. Just stop saying you want more...you want better...you want a Queen. Lies lose loves...remember that.

My last day in La-La-Land Incorporated is April 16, 2006...the day of resurrection. I would be happy to discuss with you at my convenience the transfer of my love, respect, consideration, and compassion from your wretched soul to my deserving Afrikan King. I do not expect a response because I know you deal from cowardice...frightened and crying in a corner is your mode of operation. I know you better than any other unsuspecting sista and that is why you can't face me. I see you and no one else does...I pity them, for if they only knew, they would oust you like the disease you are...

*sigh*

There...it is time to close the door. I know you don't have the courage to try to stop me...(chuckle)...po'thang. I hope that you get exactly what you deserve in this life...peace...

In the light,

Ayana (aka Magic Love Goddess, Dancing Love Angel, Monet, Babygirl, Angel, Orange Blossom, Precious, Love, Queen, Star, Beautiful, The Best Thing to Ever Happen to You...me)

5 Comments:

At 10:36 AM, Anonymous William had said was, uh...

Relationships are funny creatures. The people you love own the keys to the ugliest bogs of your inner soul. They know what makes you tick, they know what makes you laugh and they know what motivates you. It takes strength of character to expose yourself to another person; to remain vulnerable so that other person may learn to love you unconditionally. Love is a risk. Someimes you bite the bullet, other times you are wisked away in a hot air balloon of hope. Whatever your scenario, I think it is important to keep at it; to keep taking risks. Even if you develop a few cuts and scars,the reward is still greater than the downfall. I hope your hot air balloon comes when the time is right. When the flowers of your life are still blooming and the smell of summer is in the air. I hope that the king inside matches his queen's strength and faith.

Take care Ay

Will

 
At 3:03 PM, Anonymous Zi had said was, uh...

baby girl...

...How I wish I could take the pain away. People take for granted how delicate the heart is, how disrespect from a loved one - especially one who you decidedly share yourself with - hurts so much. It hurts your energy, your belief system, your logic, your heart...robbing you of sleep, understanding, self-assurance, and most of all peace! I've been both the victim and the culprit of such actions, and prayerfully I now know better. When someone transfers their negative weight, you HAVE to release. Don't feel no kinda way (yes, I said 'no kinda way') about venting, yelling, laughing, screaming, crying, dancing, cussing, or wiping your hands clean. You've got to get that off your chest in order to move on! Don't get me wrong, you may look back at this Blog months from now and not relate to the emotion behind it, but don't discount it ever. It's not good, or bad, it IS. It is you - you who is Godly, lovely, funny, naughty, wise, confused, beautiful, and mighty (and I could go on...). So don't even sweat the nay-sayers...they'll have their time. Cuz that's LIFE.

I love you sis!!!!!!!!!!!!
Z-Eye

 
At 10:50 PM, Anonymous Kia had said was, uh...

Well, a comment such as the one we're all referring to coming from someone who has not seen the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual drain this "man" has put on a very dear friend of mine is to be expected. Honey, the people who matter know what went on and yes the words are full of anger, hurt, and pain but who doesn't feel these emotions after experiencing heartbreak?? Grieve on sista

 
At 1:10 PM, Anonymous Mom had said was, uh...

Integrity, candor and courage are admirable traits. Those who possess them willingly reveal themselves. Those who do not are deceitful, immature and untrustworthy. This is your Mother speaking out of love. This is your Sister/Friend speaking out of anger. I am always amazed that the Creator chose me to be the mother of such a beautiful, loving, sensitive and compassionate young woman. That you chose to heal yourself by writing about a violation that all women fear as opposed to treating the perpetrator as the criminal he is, is evidence of your compassion and your spirituality. I aspire to have your courage, your strength and your compassion. That some coward would attempt to ridicule and harass you anonymously as you purge yourself of the filth and vileness that was welcomed into our hearts and homes is contemptible. Your words have healing powers not only for you but for others who have or will encounter a warped mind and a diseased spirit. Your words tell me that you have purged yourself of the foulness that invaded your space. Your words tell me that you have survived this experience more courageous, more spiritual and more loving than you were before your sanctuary was invaded by evil. Now that you have cleansed yourself emotionally, continue to spread your words of love, of joy, of inspiration to those of us who eagerly wait for you to shower us with the orange blossoms of love that emanate from your heart. Let your words flow Baby Girl. They are gems that are more precious than diamonds and warm the hearts of all those whose souls understand, appreciate and love the fierce, the magnificent, Goddess of Love. You rock Baby Girl, and we love rocks.

Loving you forever and a day,
Mommy

 
At 7:32 AM, Blogger AnanaJohari had said was, uh...

i think someone is too attached to your words to admit it (cause you are a good writer) and too chicken to fess up to who they are. an emotionally intelligent person would realize that this IS how you are releasing your hurt and pain and just like TV if you dont like the show turn the channel. everyone cant handle seeing someone elses pain. if a person is trying to enlighten you they should learn that it best happens when sent through love not anonymous emails. let he or she have thier thoughts.. who cares. tell them get thier own blog about people who blog to get out thier "masked" anger. haha i dont think you are masking anything yana hahahaha you are very clear haha. good for you girl yap on. God gave you a mouth to help heal yourself and others and if you are healing then heal on.

It must be frustrating to the anonymous person to read about someone who can express 100% of thier anger, fears and worries yet be met with 100% love from thier true friends no matter what they share.

There are parents who dont want to even deal with the pain of thier own children so those children grow up lop sided.. no blogging ... no dancing .. no way to get it out and STILL receive love.

So to the anonymous chicken ... i hope you continue to watch Ayana share her inner most fears and pain written beautifully while all her folks love her back.

Ha.. watch us give Ayana love.. dont be made just do it for your family and friends. I bet they need it.. and by the way when you send love to them I bet you wont forget to sign your name.

Love you Ayana.. good bad ugly beautiful shaky and divine.. all of you ;)

Nana.. the "that was last weeks blog" blogger

 

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