Monday, September 04, 2006

Baby love with a dash of Me love (reflections)

I guess I always thought it would be me...way down the line of course, and still...I think I must have thought somewhere way in the back of my mind, buried under new loves, damaging relationships, writings, promises, loss, growth, good friendships, colorful memories, new and old fantasies, and thoughts of ridiculous spinning, I thought that it would be me. I was speechless when I found out. I kept reading the words over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. I knew right now wasn't the time. I was clear about that. I was clear that where we were at this point in our own individual development meant that "we" just couldn't be. I was clear that I had some growing to do as did you...What is even crazier is that I never even knew that I had this little needle sized idea in my mind until I found out.

I was told recently that I should take some serious time to myself. Just love on myself a little. Give myself that good good attention I offer to others. That advice has been given to me a lot over the past year. People are seemingly concerned about me not giving myself enough love and loving others (some extremely undeserving) more than myself, thus opening myself up to abuse. So, I made the decision to be solo for a while...against the wishes of some hopeful candidates (sorry guy' must be done). I decided to love myself even harder than I have been this year, which in all honesty has been more than I ever had in the past, so gold star for Yana loving herself so good for all of 2006 so far! yeah, lots of lovin! After I made that decision, there were lots of things in my life that whispered well-wishes to me for my love journey...notes, words from loved ones, words from new-comers, professional situations, and now abrupt halt in any ideas I had about baby love.

I wonder why I had to wait so long to be brought up to speed...why? I know the reason isn't as simple as just figuring I'd find out sooner or later. The reason gave seemed so devoid of the baby love I knew back then and still feel when my mind reaches back to grasp those sugar drenched memories of us....*sigh*...Bram Stoker's Dracula, bottom of the stairwell at baby love's place on my way home every night, markings, water fights, birthday surprises, me coming home from dance workshops and being greeted with a warm candlelit bath sprinkled with my favorite scents and sounds as baby love waited outside the door to follow that up with a foot massage, eating and laughing, putting love in baby love's hair (it made me so tired and I poured love into it everytime cause that was my baby love), piggy back rides, high highs and low lows that always led back to "I love you", beating the boys in Spades, getting the promise bracelet, random poetry written just to tell me how much I meant to my baby love, finding notes all around my home that always led to my baby love...At any rate, finding out the way that I seemed to close a door. It made me sad...I felt like I lost my baby love...I wasn't ready. I just wasn't.

Affirmations come in many different forms and fashions. I have no other person to focus on right now other than me and I plan on doing that focusing. Not just saying I'm taking time off of people and working on me on my own and then a month later I'm seen taking time off of myself because I'm pursuing something else other than my lovely self (loving me in action...Go me!). I'm doing this because I know that I'm worth the work...I just know that I don't want to repeat bad habits, bad relationships, bad stuff...Boooooo!!!!! Kick rocks, yucky stuff!

I do miss my baby love, though...Baby love pushed me to look at myself and helped me to make some much needed changes (Unfortunately, I went from one extreme to the next, AND I'm working on finding a happy's a process people! lol). I hope I did the same for baby love...I hope I touch/touched baby love like baby love touches/touched love, I remember calling your name when my nightmares woke me. Baby love, I wonder if we would have been had I not asked you months later,"You still mad?". Baby love, I wonder if I still own any space in that heart of yours. Baby love, I remember stroking your hair as you slept hugging my sweater while you waited for me to join you in your slumber. Baby love, love, love...even if you never read this...I thank you for everything you taught me...then, now, and later...I'm here if you need me...

(a.k.a. Star, Monet, Love, Queen, Dandelion, Magic Love Goddess, Dancing Love Angel, Babygirl, Angel, Orange Blossom, Precious, Beautiful...among other things)


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