Monday, March 13, 2006

Venting...(My Journey Home)

Bury me deep, spread me thin, share me not, keep me now, hug me still, see me clear, hear me pure, know me true, love me real... I'm tired now. I'm weary tonight and I want to go home. I'm tired of disappointments and being unappreciated. I wonder how many times one person can endure being abused, misunderstood, treated badly, or given less than they deserve before they retreat...

My sister, L', she told me that my love of love delights her...I do love love and loving love comes at a price...It's not easy because that love never goes unchallenged. I pray to meet and keep a living, breathing realization of what I yearn for...a love that looks, feels, tastes, and drips what I see when I see love. I don't know why people in my life have tested my commitment to that love. I love love so deeply that even when those that I love so deeply tear me apart, I fight my mind and I love them still...sometimes harder. That pain makes me want to love them so much that they aren't able to be anything other than divine. I want to love them into devotion. I want them to be faithful to love, purity, humility, and me...You know, sometimes it really feels unfair for me to be blessed with this type of heart. The heart that loves so hardcore even when it doesn't feel reciprocated. It feels like there is no safe place and it takes a lot of faith to keep loving when you don't feel loved by those that you love. I do love love and I look forward to the day when I can share freely all the love that I hold in my hands that shake and stroke weary heads filled with fear, my eyes that weep and see, my smile that frees, my fingers that reach and tickle, my mouth that prays and sings and laughs, my heart that beats devotion even after shattering to pieces...

I want to hear only truth NOW...I want to never encounter cowardice...I want to be treated with decency and compassion NOW...I DESERVE NO LESS...I'm tired of being shorted...I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired....I'm so tired....I feel disdain burning in my belly for all those who have harmed me recently and I want to destroy it, but they haven't given me one good reason to do away with it. I've tried and everytime I do, they do things to make me feel as though I made a mistake. I'm clearly giving them more energy than they deserve...what's that about? It's more. You wanna know me? Prove it. That's my approach from here on out.

I am love, therefore I am divine, and I'm no longer available to those that do not behave as though they know that...Love is filled with faith and it begins and ends with the divine...It is ethereal and gritty and so important and delicate that it deserves to be handled with care and grace. Goodbye to ugly ways and foul intent because love lives here and she won't leave without a fight.

So, if you are ready for love, bury me deep into your soul, spread me thin over your skin, share me not with those unworthy, keep me near you now, hug me through trials and I'll make you peaceful and still, see me and I'll make the future uncertain seem promising and clear, hear me and I'll whisper, holler, sing, purr love's prayers into your weary soul, know me and touch what your heart knows as true, love me deep and unconditionally and discover that heaven is real...Love, I have returned...I am here...I am home...


At 8:56 PM, Anonymous Mom had said was, uh...

I absolutely love this "ode to love", primarily because it reveals growth, resilience and determination not to block the blessings and to be open to all the Creator has in store for you. You recognize your self worth and realize that those who cannot see and/or appreciate the "totality" of who you are can't love you because they don't really "see" you. So many of us are willing to settle for less than we deserve and this willingness diminishes our value and dulls our existence. Your honesty and your willingness to share your life's lessons through your words honor me, the Creator, the ancestors, and all womankind. Let those words flow, never stifle them ... You feel what we feel. You say so eloquently what many of us can not. Your words reflect the essence, sensitivity, the pain, the desires and the complexity of the Black Woman. You speak for us, and for this I thank you. Your understanding of who you are, of what you have to offer and your selflessness are valuable attributes that will define your destiny. Your goodness, your wisdom, your courage, and your insight that life is a gift, not to be wasted or approached timidly, but to be embraced, explored, enjoyed and lived in a manner that exemplifies the essence of Afrikan women. Live every second, every minute, every hour of the day knowing that you are loved. You are a precious jewel, a beautiful flower. I adore you. Because I am blessed to have you as a daughter, I know the Creator loves me. I am so very proud you chose me to be your Mama. You are love.

At 7:20 AM, Blogger AnanaJohari had said was, uh...

Without question you are loved and by choice we all can let it in or cling to anger or fear. I was at Hillside this past Sunday and Betrice Berry was talking about visiting the midwest and it was unseasonably warm... about 70. She was getting a ride to the airport and she expressed how happy she was with the weather. The driver responded with not so good of a perception. He said it wasnt good for them because they needed the frigid cold a little bit longer. She was in complete disagreement cause sunlight meant love to her. He said they survive on crops there and the seeds they sewed would only be able to grow if the winter.. a frigid winter was allowed to come in and kill off the bugs that ate the crops and distroyed all thier hard work once it warmed up.

It made me realize that even though I, like you, am an emotional and loving being that hates the absence of love, i still need to be able to recognize the absence of it from people to better appreciate my own crops. I need to allow those who have been absent to be absent because some are parasites who are so consumed sometime with thier own sadness, or ego to be able to give back thereby becoming chronic takers with great excuses. Parasites. I know because I have been one. I have been a taker for short time spans but I have been forgiven and still offered love back. I am thankful for those who have done that in my life. Overgiving and welcoming parasites is not ok even if you love love. Let the parasites go and STILL enjoy love. The message made me realize I need to spend more time with those who give back to me. And also be aware of those who are takers.

Enjoy your love from within and cleanse yourself through your writing so you dont become a fearful parasite as well. You have a lot of love surrounding you and I am proud as well that you are courageous enough to share ALL of your emotions. It means you are living life and like your mom said being true to yourself. What a beautiful example of a woman she is for you.

Stay that way and you will reap the crops you are supposed to and share those crops with those who will last your winters.

I appreciate you sharing love with me at my lowest moments last year. You were a giver and a receiver. Thank you for sharing as usual lady I aspire.

Love you truely,

At 11:54 AM, Blogger Brittastic had said was, uh...

You don't know me. I've come across your site accidentally (are there any though?) but I love everything I've read. Your honesty and willingness to expose everything you feel is very inspirational.

Good luck with wherever life takes you and I hope that you keep writing and sharing your love/hate/anger/confusion/pain with everyone that's still looking for the right words to do the same thing.


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