Wednesday, January 04, 2006

I Will Love...With All I Got...

This year...I was eager to receive 2006. It wasn't like the fear and suspicion I felt about the coming of 2005...it felt different this time. I read the Globetrotter's entry and I was inspired, so pardon me as I bite her style....

First I will reflect...in the spirit of Sankofa

In 2005, I:

1. Rushed to grab hold of my position as Matriarch before I was ready

2. Danced hard, danced soft, danced free, danced under the control of something unknown yet familiar, and danced in tongues only spoken by the ancestors

3. Endured discrimination, racism, classism, and evil in order to pay my bills

4. Re-met someone

5. Baked pumpkin bread

6. Went to the High (Romare Bearden)

7. Had a picnic on my living room floor

8. Went to concerts...lots of 'em! Love it!

9. Fell in love with people...one of them is me...I fell in love with me again...all of it was intense, it was hard, it was necessary, it was worth it...

10. Traveled to Richton Park and met an African man who gave me a shell to protect and I proved myself...he said I was a keeper...ashe...

11. Renamed holidays

12. Changed my mind about having children...

13. Saw Farrakhan speak with my family

14. Was surprised and disappointed...many times

15. Had my heart broken at least 5 times...(family, friends...etc.)

16. Danced with Digable Planets

17. Learned to wail

18. Went home...to a place where people love me...courageously and out loud and all the time

19. Started my locs

20. Learned how to say goodbye with love and from love

21. Put others first

22. Re-established how important a mans fight is to me...yep...it's a necessity. Especially now...hmmm...so, I guess that means a mans humility and bravery are important too since you can't genuinely fight for love, in whatever form, without them...so, yes, fight, humility, and bravery...

23. Laughed until my stomach hurt

24. Told the truth...good, bad, and very ugly

25. Learned the power of both/and

26. Fasted for over a month in total...(it was a challenge)

27. Told my mama that I appreciated her...Nakupenda (I love you...)

28. Said goodbye to my brother

29. Lost myself

30. 30 is special for me because my mama was this age when she presented me to this world...she was told that she wouldn't be able to have anymore children after my older brother and I burst through that barrier and proved them wrong...wouldn't be the last time (chuckle). So, 30... my birth number...30...30.Found myself...she was seemingly beaten, scared, shivering, and crying in the corner, but I brushed her off and am nursing her back to health. I've worked, walked, moved, lifted, kicked, cried, reached, fallen, grown, and carried on...Thank you 2005...I wouldn't want to relive too much of you, AND you have definitely given me experiences to grow from...asante...

For the New Year...I want to be proven wrong about the negative I have gathered from the past year. I want to prove to myself that I have learned. I want to hug, kiss, kug all of those who love me...genuinely and relentlessly. I want to capture and hold close all the moments that warm and comfort me in my subconscious. I want to take away the pain and burdens that my mama endures. I want to help my father be a good, supportive, faithful, and loyal partner for my mama. I want to slay all of my brothers demons. I want to get into grad school. I want to be in love with someone who lives, eats, breathes, cherishes, and honors me and his love for me in every moment of every day in every way possible. I want to write everyday. I want to persevere. I want to paint orange pictures all over every inch of my life and make it powerful and lovely...literally and figuratively. I want to go to New York. I want to go to Sierra Leone. I want to make people happy. I want to make people try harder. I want to help people feel and be okay with that. I want to wipe away tears. I want to be magic. I want to be yanapooh, babygirl, monet, yana bana, star, yana, cousin, earth, wisdom...me. I want to be a better daughter for my mama, my dad, my grandma, and all the ancestors. I want to give my love freely...before the Creator calls me home. I think about death a lot and I want to spend whatever time I have left on this earth in love, giving love, sharing love, being love, experiencing love, learning love, seeing love, knowing love, feeling love...I want to take it all in...one day I won't be here and I want to be able to look back at my life and be warmed by the memories of love and how it saturated every part of my existence...these are my wants for the new year and my new journey...24 years young, but I've been here before and I know how important this life is and that is why I want love to color it...

So, here goes...I look forward to new joys and new journeys this coming year and I look forward to the growth and exploration that will be experienced and shared with my loved ones...I look forward to building...building strength, friendships, intimate relationships, knowledge, patience, peace, and healing...and I look forward to doing that beside my love warriors, so I hope you brought your armor cause you, I, and all the rest of my folks have a battle to fight, a war to win, a destination to reach that will shower us with all the love, orange power, and light we can hold...I'm ready...let's prosper...

1 Comments:

At 1:39 AM, Blogger Sarah had said was, uh...

I think I'mma do one of these. I feel like I have done a lot and experienced a lot this past year.

Favorite statement: I want to prove to myself that I have learned.

One thing I want to do is make more freggin noise. I'm done being so silent! Thank you for your jems of knowledge, as always.

 

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